Difficult conversations with family members

[Saffron]

R_B your subject line could have been 'Difficult conversations with Forumites'! Hahaha :D Joking aside, just looking at how volatile this topic became with people who aren't even related to each other, one gets a sense of how difficult the issue become among people who ARE related.

Having read through all the posts, I still think a Life Coach is your best least expensive option for the short term, to see you through to the birth of your baby and immediate months postpartum. A Life Coach can help you consolidate and prioritize all the advice you have received.

A Mediator would probably be better for the long haul, helping you with specific topics in conflict resolution. You just might want to be careful that choosing mediation isn't seen by your mother as antagonistic towards her -- another reason why starting with a Life Coach might be best -- unless of course you think the situation needs a little stirring-up to get things sorted... Scarey but sometimes helpful at busting open long-standing problems.

I agree with gwod that writing a letter will help clarify and consolidate your feeling. If you do decide to send the letter, wait 2 weeks. Read it again. If you still feel the same, then send it (or use it as conversation starter).

xx

[Ruth_Baldock]

Thankyou to everyone who replied; clearly, family relationships/children bring out very strong feelings in everyone.

Pocket, Zeban, etc; you are right- I am lucky to have family nearby who want to help, and my Son is very lucky to have so many people around him that really love him (hard not to, he's lovely, but I am biased...). However, as someone posted, a lot of this boils down to a lot of my family's assumption that they have a 'right' over my son. (This has been an ongoing issue since he was born; not just my Mum but a lot of my very pushy family are like this. My son is Jewish, and not circumcised, but a lot of the family felt it was their place to call me in the PN ward at Kings to lecture me about circumcision; didn't see anything wrong with this, because as a new child in their family they had a 'right' to, if that makes sense?)

I have a lot of ongoing problems with my Mother, and since having her baby, my sister is experiencing them too- in exactly the same way, so I know it's not 'just me'. A lot of it is down to trust, following years and years of what I can only describe as a hellish living situation with her, me, and my step-father (really don't want to sound melodramatic, or get into this, but the way she handled the situation back then is why I don't trust her at all now).

SW: All my siblings are my half-siblings, and you're right- a lot of my feelings around it all are that her 'second' family got preferential treatment over me. I probably sound like a whiney child now. I sort of feel that the moment I moved out, no one had a blind bit of interest in what I did until my son came along- when I told Mum I was pregnant she was really pleased (Jewish Grandmother Syndrome ;) ) and said she wanted to help out as much as she could- which gave me the warm fuzzies- until she swiftly followed it up with saying 'because there is no way you'll cope on your own' (am not on my own?!!?)I'm not going to win parent of the year anytime soon, but I think I'm doing okay! She said the same thing to my Sister, who IS on her own, and Sister is doing bloody well. I digress, it's a sticky situation. Your suggestion was brilliant and one I hadn't even considered "She needs to build a solid relationship him before you can think of him staying overnight with her.

I think your conversation with her needs to be along the lines of "Mum, it would be great if you could look after him, but he's very little and he doesn't know you well enough yet for me to feel comfortable leaving him. I know that you're busy, but maybe we can talk about you finding a regular time to come and get to know him (one Saturday a month for example?). When he's more confident with you then we can discuss you looking after him at your house."

It's totally true that she needs a solid relationship with him, he's a very sensitive baby and doesn't like to be away from me or his Dad at all- even though he loves my MIL and is so used to seeing her/spending time away from me with her, he still cries for a good 15 minutes when he's dropped off there. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him there as it is now. The hugely ironic thing is that he's great with my Step-Dad- who was always the crux of mine and my Mother's arguments- but they get on like a house on fire, and SF is HUGELY interested in everything Seb does, and has pictures of him in his wallet and everything. Shocking.

Anyway, I did speak to my Mum about everything- and she wasn't surprised I felt that way and said I had dealt with it a lot more diplomatically than my sister had (apparently she told her to 'eff off out of it' and slammed the phone down, but she's 10w pp so can't really blame her...!). She said that she felt guilty about not seeing Seb as much, which I knew, and that she was jealous of my MIL, which I also knew. But I said it wasn't a contest and a lot of it was down to logistics- my MIL is very local, so it's really easy for her to pop in or whatever, it's not so easy for my Mum to and I DO understand that.

We addressed a lot of 'what had happened' when I was a teenager concerning me-her-my stepdad and I tried to calmly explain why I still felt very betrayed by her because of it; but we never get very far with that conversation, and as usual, it turned into some kind of blaming activity. Sigh. But I do think she gets the gist. We've agreed that she'll spend regular time with my son, every Monday afternoon at the moment; she'll be coming to us initially, but then she'll start to take Seb out locally, and eventually we'll start taking him to her house and he'll get more and more used to it. When I can express, and hopefully leave Baby The Second with a few bottles of EBM, she said she would be delighted to have both of them at the same time (she has a 14 month age gap with two of my siblings and laughed when I asked if she'd find it hard...). Hopefully it'll all work out nicely, and there won't be any guilt-tripping or awkwardness anymore!

Again, thankyou to everyone for your input.

[buggie]

Well done Ruth, have been lucky not to face issues like this, but do find in life generally that anticipating dealing with a difficult situation/conversation is normally much worse than what actually happens. Fingers crossed that all goes well and maybe this will in turn help your Mum's relationship with your sister as well xx

[anna75]

WOW! Ruth! you did brilliantly. Hats off to you, and to be honest, yo your mother who opened up and admitted lots of things in a very useful and constructive way.

Well done all of you and so glad that your SF is also keen on gorgeous little S. That is a real plus anf more than many grandfathers manage at this stage!

[zeban]

Good for you Ruth, I'm so glad you got it sorted, and you had the difficult conversations that needed to be had. It's always worth being honest, facing up to the issues you all have with eachother because only then can you move on. And it's all worth it in the end.

[Saffron]

Isn't great how motherhood and pregnancy can be empowering?! :)

[sillywoman]

Really well done Ruth - you were very brave to take the bull by the horns. I know exactly what you mean about the 'blaming activity' I find that happens a lot in conversations with my Mum. But you've done so much better than I ever managed to, you've arranged regular contact for her & Seb (& you), and are have managed to put all three of you in a position where your relationships can grow in understanding (you & Mum), & confidence (Seb). Wow! hats off to you Ruth. Now all you've got to do is have a baby!!:))

[Ruth_Baldock]

am ignoring impending birth of baby, la la la. It's going to be 1st July, via an elective c/s (thought long and hard about this...). don't want to deal with this, it's not happening, i'm still 18 and young and free, *head in sand*

[sillywoman]

July 1st? Not 4th? ;-)

[Belle]

Ha - aka the date posh has picked for her's, sillywoman? Just saw that earlier.

[sillywoman]

Was thinking more of the 'Independence' aspect Belle, but you're right Posh has gone for the 4th :)

[Belle]

yes, allegedly as a tribute to her new home country.