Premature birth - how to best support a friend?

[reren]

A very close friend of mine has just given birth very prematurely to twins at 25 weeks - they are getting great care and doing as well as can be expected. I wondered if anyone who has had a baby early might have some thoughts on what are the best things friends can do to help/ say etc? I imagine people often say upsetting things to parents in this situation and i want to avoid doing that? Asking the wrong questions - making the wrong assumptions etc...any advice gratefully received!

[mammamia]

As mummy to a premie baby born at 30 weeks (and the early arrival very much a surprise) my advice on what help you can offer would be along the lines of

- continue to be a good friend! (by being worried about what you can do sounds like you are already somebody worth having around!)

- offer lifts to hospital (esp if she had a section and can't drive) or to be a hospital buddy if you have time to spend with her. Long days in hospital and it's nice to have someone to share it with & just to be there & be a support esp if her other half might have to go back to work at some point

- drop them in a couple of dinners. Last thing you want to do after a 12 hr day at the babies bedside is make dinner & she will need to keep her strength up for when they get home!

- might be some stuff you can get for her or the babies (premie nappies, babygros etc)

In terms of what to say / not to say, we found that we had no idea what to expect ourselves from the whole experience and really didn't mind if people asked us questions about it all - as long as they are not negative based questions,i.e. try to keep them positive about what are the next steps / milestones for them to reach, did they get to touch/cuddle them today etc.

The neo natal units and all the staff at them are amazing, hope all works out well for your friend and both babies. You wouldn't even know ours was a premie baby now, she's a bouncing cheeky, pudgy & very happy little 11month old now!

[bizzylizzy]

get her a 'congratulations on the birth' type card and little pressie. People tend to forget these as either the baby is so early they are not ready for it or just forget or they don't want to get one in case the worst happens but she needs to celebrate her babies' births just as much as a full term mummy.

Echo what mammamia said - offer practical help as her world has just been thrown upside down.

[Fuschia]

A close friend of mine had her daughter at 24.+0

It's a long long haul for such tiny babies

I agree it's important to send congratulations but at 25 weeks the bsbies won't need clothes and when they do the hospital will have some

Maybe tiny knitted hats,,,?

I think helping out with washing, dropping round milk, bread, a meal would all be helpful

Maybe offering to update others with news

What hospital are they in, I hope they are local to her x

[nymom]

I agree with above. My brother and his wife had their baby girl at 24 weeks in November. Baby was due the end of March, and almost 6 months on is still in hospital. She was 1 pound 5 oz as birth and is now 7 pounds 3 oz. It is a very long and emotional process and things swing from high to low from one day to the next. Emotionally is can be very draining on the couple. My brother and his wife were both working - she took 6 weeks off to recover but their days are spend going to hospital before work, going to work and going to the hospital after work. Making meals is a great suggestion, and maybe arranging for a cleaner as a one off treat in a few weeks might be nice if they dont have one. Baby did not wear any clothes for at least the first three months - maybe four. And by the time baby is out of the hospital you wont know the size or season, so I would leave that for later as maybe a celebration gift when baby can come home. Babies of that size often need some surgical interventions - in my niece's case she has had 5 procedures. I think asking question was good for them - they like to talk about the baby. However they also didnt tell many people all of the things that were going wrong at various stages as it was too painful. Just acknowledging how hard things can be and offering to listen is the greatest gift. It was hard for my brother to plan for the future and there is some sense of loss - the newborn stage that you envision with cuddles etc is not the reality. When the baby is allowed visitors it would be nice for you to go, even to sit with your friend in the family area and provide a break from the worry etc. It is a long process as I said earlier. But hopefully the outcome will be a positive one. You sound like a great friend for trying to be such a good support system.

[Fuschia]

If she starts to express milk then moral support and help with that might be useful

Anyone reading this with s baby under 6m - think about registering to donate milk for tiny bsbies like this

It's difficult for thd mothers to sustain with the stress they are under but having breast milk makes s huge huge difference to them

[reren]

Thank you for this! Really helpful - unfortunately she is not in london so im a little limited in how much help i can be (especially as i have a 6 month old) but will try and do some of the things you suggest- i'm going to see her and babies next week and was wondering if it was a good idea to bring presents but after your advice i will! The great thing is that amazingly she is producing lots of milk so is able to feed them which i imagine must help a lot both for their health and for her! Anyway thank you - any other thoughts do let me know!

[Fuschia]

Suggest she join her local twins club now ( maybe look it up for her) and look for An online prem or twin forum if that might help

Lots of twins re born early

She might benefit from a 'buddy .'

[Fuschia]

I am an atheist but I like this

'When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

~ Henri J. M. Nouwen in Out of Solitude; Three Meditations on the Christian Life

'