HELP with Tantrums!

[bee74]

Hello there

I have been having some difficulties with my 26 month old. He is normally delightful, fun and a joy to be with, but at times, he can be a horror.

This normally happens when 1. we need to get dressed/undressed and 2. when he has to do something he doesn't want to do or when he has to leave a place or activity he is enjoying.

This causes terrible scenes: NO NO NO, screaming, kicking, the lot (you know).

This is how I approach it normally. I warn him of what is going to happen (we are leaving in 5 minutes) and then gently remind him. When he starts his tantrums, I first explain why we need to do what we are doing (because it's time to go home and eat). Then I empathise (I know you would really like to stay longer/ you are having a good time/ it must be really frustrating...) I sometime remove either myself or him from the situation. If we have time, I might sit with him while he tantrums.

But when all this fails... I am afraid to say I lose it that I sometimes just force him into his clothes or drag him away. I get very frustrated and angry and then it feels horrible for both of us. I feel guilty and like a horrid mother. And he is very upset and confused.

I hate this pattern we've got into and it's not what I want for him or me. I also feel my final reaction undermines my authority and his respect of me and teaches him that eventually his needs are not met and the strongest wins.

Does anyone have any tips on how to approach tantrums so that we don't end up like we are both losing the battle?

Thank you.

[damzel]

When my daughter started having major tantrums about bathtime a few months ago, we got caught in the same loop as you and it was awful. However, I did finally break through when I stopped saying it's bathtime and starting asking her about half hour before, what she thinks she might like to play with in the bath later. On the first day of trying this, I blew up some balloons and said hey, won't these be fun to play with in the bath later. It was still 20 minutes before bathtime when she grabbed the balloons and took her and them up for a bath! Run the bath mum! From that point it's been easy.

She's now started having tantrums about all sorts of things (just her age I think) and I always try and take the same approach, rather than dealing with the actual issue, think past the issue and try to get her to think about the toys she can play with when we get downstairs (after dressing) or the books that are in the car, etc. etc. without actually making a deal about the problem in hand.

I hope this gives you some ideas, sometimes just a change of tact can make all the difference. Good luck x

[duchessofdulwich]

this sounds similar to the last post, but with regards to getting dressed, have you tried asking your little one what they might like to wear for that day? if you are in a hurry in the morning perhaps ask him the night before what he would like to wear for the next day?

[BB100]

Children like choices and offering a choice can make your child feel more in control of the situation. For example, ask: are you going to dress yourself or should I? Are you wearing the red top or the blue top? When getting undressed for the bath: are you having bubbles or no bubbles? When you leave somewhere, are you going to ride the scooter (or get in the buggy) or walk? Having a snack ready for when you leave may also help. If he can't decide say: quick if you don't decide then I will. Try to offer only two choices that you can live with, whatever he decides.

Your child is not too young to talk about how his behaviour is making you feel. At a calm time tell him that it upsets you and he is not to do it anymore. Tell him what you expect him to do and remind him of it before he has do it and give him lots of praise when he does it without a fuss. Tell him whilst you give direct eye contact so he knows you mean business.

[minder]

I think too many choices/negotiating for a child that young is confusing.

Also I wouldn't "warn" him of what is going to happen e.g. leaving somewhere he is enjoying a full 5 minutes before because 5 minutes to a toddler is a long time. Just do it. Get yourself ready and then child last e.g. shoes/coat on.

An adult has to make the decisions sometimes for safety and sanity sake. They will still love you the next day.

Also, I would never have dreamt of asking my toddlers what they wanted to wear, especially the night before or do you want the red top or the blue top. They just wore what I put on them! and I never had any problems.

[BB100]

Just wanted to add that I'm an early years teacher and have a first class honours degree in early childhood studies so my advice above is based on professional early years practice, underpinned by international children's rights and included in government parenting training.

Using detraction techniques as Damsel suggests and 5 minute warnings is also used in schools, and is best practice when working with children with difficult behaviour.

[susyp]

The other thing I have done to get out of this type of cycle is to (as they say) reward the good. I.e. "If you leave nicely at the end of the group you can have a good girl sticker". And remind them of that when they start to resist. I've used good girl stickers for all sorts of things and have been amazed at the results. I found that when we got in a pattern of her behaving badly and me shouting it just got worse and worse until I stopped myself and started to think laterally and then I could find a solution.

Also think of a reason why he could leave. I have problems leaving a particular place in the week and now I have just started to take her to the playground after it and now she will leave happily.

I'm currently in a battle over getting my daughter dressed in the morning - not that she misbehaves , but she finds it hilarious to run away from me all round the house. Drives me demented and I've been getting really cross with her. Had forgotten the good girl sticker idea so will try it myself again in this situation!

susypx

[cuppa tea]

Bee74 it sounds like you are doing a fine job. It's very hard to stay calm when your kid is kicking off. I think

showing empathy and waiting out the tantrum and just being there is a really good approach. It respects you child and you are modelling understanding and patience. Occasionally we all get angry and frustrated with little ones, as they can really push our buttons. I have found it helpful to allow myself to feel the angry feelings, but not act on them - if this makes sense! It takes practise and I don't always manage it. It's especially hard not to feel under pressure in a public situation and you automatically feel more judged. Children at that age feel powerless alot of the time I think, on top of that have emotional immaturity and no language to describe their feelings, so it's bound to be difficult for them. i have had some success with offering 2 choices of this or that, particularly with getting dressed etc. It doesn't always work, but is always worth a try. Another thing with tantrums I find is that the tantrum may be to do with something entirely different and not the matter at hand. It could be about the general environment not suiting them, tiredness, hunger, general frustration, previous painful feelings etc etc. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it all. Sounds like you are doing great. It's hard to stay calm all of the time.

[Moi23]

Yes, I have a particularly tantrum prone son. Often it's to do with hunger (low sugar level maybe), tiredness or needing to do a pee (he refuses to go), but other times it's more complicated. Like he'd built up in his head he was going to do a certain thing and then it turns out that we are going or doing something else. I think firmness and empathy need to go hand in hand. Also, I'm a far better mother when I'm not knackered. When I have the energy I can distract him and generally deal with him better. If I'm tired and stressed we just both spiral out of control. It's awful. Good luck, remember it's just a phase!

[cuppa tea]

Also wanted to add that I think it's pretty important to show understanding, but not freak out about the level of their emotions and then try and be swayed by them, or compensate them in some other way if the situation is uncompromising. In my opinion it can make things worse if they feel their tears and screams have power over you. I mean if they want toast cut a different way, or to wear wellies instead of shoes, or some other trivial thing then it's surely fair enough to go with their decision and pick your battles. I have a VERY tantrum prone kid and I do generally try to find a way of saying 'yes' first, as there are still lots of things I have to stand firm on.

[crystal7]

Completely agree Cuppa Tea- pick your battles! I'd rather serve vegetables in a separate dish and have (some of) them eaten than put all the food together on a plate and risk a tantrum and nothing being eaten ditto changing into pink monkey PJs as soon as we get home, step MIL does not agree...

[nunheadmum]

I have to agree with Cuppa tea on this - try and decide at the start if you're going to go with them or say no, and then make sure you stick with it. As soon as they realise they have the power to change your decision, they'll try it on every time. If they get the message early on that if you say no, you mean no, they soon learn it's not worth the fight.

It is hard as sometimes you get halfway through a tantrum and realise that really what they wanted wasn't that impossible after all and going back on your decision seems like the easier option. But it's worth sticking with it.

And if I am going with their request, as my youngest's language gets better, I also tell her that if she stops crying and asks nicely, then we'll do what she wants. I'm hoping she learns to avoid the tears in the first place and go straight to asking nicely - but we'll see if that works.

[ClareC]

My daughter has started having tantrums, she isn't even 14mths yet!!!! Any suggestions as to how to deal with this where the child is not old enough to understand all that is being said, also it's hard to guage exactly what she does and doesn't understand.

Thought this wasn't supposed to happen for another year!

[Moi23]

I think at that age it's usually frustration more than anything else.

[helenat1970]

Hey Bee74 -

I would say that the first and the most important thing to remember is that the tantrums are not a sign of personality, they're just a developmental thing and they will pass. And to be honest - don't judge yourself on how you are dealing with them - you are human and it would take a saint not to get stressed with tantrums.

It's worth finding a technique that cuts the tantrums short, for him and for you. It sounds like your boy hates change (not untypical). So, perhaps focus your energy on keeping the process of change swift. Your warnings and explanations are well intended I think, but prolong an event that your son hates - so, perhaps, give a warning (important, preparation is essential to a child), then swiftly go through what you want to do (dress him, leave a party). What works for my son is diversion - so, I always do something he hates (leave nanny's house, get dressed, get in the car) by focusing his mind on something he loves - a chuggington train to hold when getting in the car, puzzle pieces to hold. If he starts tantruming, finish what you were aiming to do - get him dressed, get him in the car, whatever, and then change location immediately - if you can't change the setting in whatever way you can (I turn the radio on in the car, etc). And when he's calm - always say - there, that wasn't so bad, was it? Reinforce the idea that change isn't to be feared.

It will pass. He'll be fine. And you'll be fine too.

[mariober]

thank

[bee74]

wow. Thank you everyone for the very much appreciated suggestions.

We have tried most of them - distraction, singing songs, cutting the change shorts, options, ... all work but at times. At others there is nothing to do. So he gets frustrated, i get angry and it's mayhem.

Plus, he has upped the game by starting to hit other children more frequently and forcefully and I don't know how to deal with that either. I continue to re-iterate that children are not for hitting, that he won't have any friends, that toys are for sharing. I take him away from the situation, talk to him firmly but calmly in another room, at times leave him there to 'think about his actions'... But it just goes on. And soon enough, no one will want to play with him or come over for tea! I'll feel like a leper. Oh dear. How long does this hitting phase last?

Thank you again.

[susyp]

oh god i'm with you on the rough housing with other children. My daughter has just had 3 weeks of being angelic and I could finally relax and talk to other mums on the sidelines rather than hover over. Today she got in a proper fight. I despair. I am now immediatley taking her home from wherever we are the minute she does anything like that. I figure she knows right and wrong. When I took her home today another mum gave me the thumbs up and said it was absolutely the right thing to do - as my daughter was doing her retch retch scream scream thing tailing behind me . And that encouragement really helped. Awful but I've had a year of it now and I cannot stand for her to do this anymore. She is really big too so can do other children real damage now. I don;t know why some children behave like this and not others. Some children just don;t do it at all. Its awful as she adores other children. Am throwing caution to the wind and starting her in a creche to see if more exposure to children with other people guiding her will help- as often it's over excitement that seems to provoke her or when a child won't play with her. So I sympathise but have no solutions. I am sure others will though keep strong!

susypx

[mackerelfish]

Susyp and bee74 I empathise with you enormously - my little girl started showing signs of aggressive behaviour when she was about 14 months, especially towards her cousin, which was played out in front of all of our extended family on a big family holiday over 6 days...I felt so hideous and ended up in tears by the end. The hitting/pushing went on for 9 months or so and no one was exempt from her (seemingly) wilful & impulsive behaviour, especially her dad in the morning who went to work with cat-like scratches on his face for a good 6 months.

When I managed to control my emotions about the situation (when it started to get better) and relax I encouraged the victims, their parents, my friends etc. if they saw her hit or push, to discipline her as I felt it would be good to get a consistent message from people other than me. The wonderful ladies at Magic Moments, Tessa in particular, were amazing at helping us through this difficult stage (she started when she was 18 months and is now 26 months) being consistent with her and reassuring me every time I went to pick her up.

My girl is now at another nursery and where she tried to continue hitting/pushing but this was soon eradicated (perhaps it was at the end of the "stage", plus she was excluded from the group if caught - I think this, in front of new peers probably expedited the end of it).

I still feel her behaviour is such an irony because she is so demonstrably loving and kind; she loves to hug and kiss and interact with everyone she meets.

[bee74]

hi mackerelfish

my boy is the same: also very loving and caring - giving lots of kisses and hugs to everyone and showing concern and offering toys, caresses, etc if he sees another child crying. the irony! as you say.

i think that like we do, they experience a range of emotions - from anger/aggression to love/care but they just haven't learnt the social rules of how to direct anger towards a non-aggresive behaviour with others..

i think consistency is key. but also not showing any aggression while you discipline but being gentle and graceful. i say this, but rarely manage myself!

thank you

[susyp]

yes I think you've hit the nail on the head - my daughter is the same very almost overly friendly and cuddly and very empathetic towards other children - and then just random bad behaviour. When I spoke to the nursery manager at the creche she is starting tomorrow (saw it friday) she said it sounded like frustration in not kowing how to play with other children (and sometimes focusing on children too young to play) - she was fine when I took her in and has been for the last few "outings" so I think just having something new on the horizon has really helped. Not sure if that's the same with you bee74? My daughter is a little older than your son (2 years 8 months). Good Luck! She is a LOT better than she was just 6 months ago so I think it is just an ageing process thing. But it's AWFUL when you see other parents judging you.

susypx

[Tomcrui]

Thanks for sharing

[Tomcrui]

Hi friend

Friv

[mima08]

Hiya

ClareC - gosh, my 13 months old has also been having MAJOR tantrums. He will get himself into such a state, turning all read with anger, tears streaming - not a pretty sight... I often think that he simply doesn't know how to break out of the frustration (and distractions often don't work anymore).... I spoke to a lady who does the developmental assessments (sorry, I forget the name) and she said because they are so young, explanations are of limited help (although good practice for you to get into the habit). Reflecting the emotions back seems to be the main thing (we also do baby signing which helps sometimes) plus of course making sure not too tired/ hungry etc....

Maybe someone has a magic solution? Or just some tips?

I will keep all the tips on older kids for future reference: can see myself (still)there in 13months time....

mx