14 month old becoming a "diva"?

[duchessofdulwich]

I am starting to wonder what happened to my cute little girl recently. I felt really in control and confident as a parent and in the past couple of weeks its like someone flicked a switch.

If I run upstairs to grab my coat or something she will stand at the bottom of the stairs crying and screaming. cooking dinner in the evening is now proving impossible as she clings to me and screams. she wont eat a proper meal and if i try to help her she gets so angry. I ended up loosing my cool this evening, which I know is bad and then I started to cry, then I feel guilty as I dont want to appear weak infront of her etc etc.

People talk about the terrible two's but I never realised tantrums could start this early on (she is my first child).

has anyone got any practical advice on dealing with this? I feel terrible telling her off and wonder if she too young?

[Ruth_Baldock]

Not much advice, just tonnes of sympathy. I never normally link my blog, but I wrote about this recently, maybe it'll make you laugh: www.se5mum.co.uk

Our little boy is SUCH a diva. I took the rubbish out the other day, and I could hear him from the street SHRIEKING and rattling like mental against his babygate. Unbelievable. Don't get me started on if I dare not take him to the loo with me. I mean, HOW DARE I?! I have cried tonnes in front of my son now, normally after I've snapped when telling him off. I know it's just a phase and all, but he pulled a pint of orange juice onto the sofa and floor and then rolled around in it, and I had just had one of 'those' days. I blame my hormones, but I'm pretty sure I'd be bellowing/crying in any case.

I sometimes put him in a 'safe place' (playpen) and say 'Calm down, please' and let him have a scream whilst I sit on the stairs going mad, but usually I just say 'No...NO! STOP IT!' and then cry myself.

I probably won't be winning any parenting awards anytime soon, ah well. Never mind!

[duchessofdulwich]

thanks ruth loved your blog, i dont feel like sucha bad mummy now! I put her in the other room this evening as i was scared she might hurt herself while i was cooking then i feel bad because im being cruel?

[Dudley]

Hi DofD,

I have a 17 month old daughter and she is a bit like this.

She is ok in the mornings but what you said about dinner, in particular, rings true to me.

Mine will just cling to me so now I don't even attempt to do anything significant past 4pm.

I try to prep dinner during her nap in the mornings-ridiculous making pies at 11am but there you go.

Although many might think me 'soft' I still tell her 'no' firmly to bad behaviour such as throwing food on ground etc, but I don't think 'clinging' really falls into this category.

I have read, and have been told, that between 14-18 months they do get very cliny and then after that it gets a bit easier.

Likewise it takes me about 10 mins to leave the house in the mornings and she sometimes cries if I do have to dash upstairs but by this time I have her in the pram.

I then sometimes say out loud to myself; I will not let a 1.5 year old put me under pressure to leave, I will leave in my own good time.

However I will say, mine does generally eat well (apart from when she is sick). Stressful mealtimes are the worse, but if you think she is just looking for attention just ignore her. She will not let herself starve.

So in summary, there is not much you can do (I think) about clingy, be firm with bad behaviour through the day but yes, 4pm onwards is difficult.

It should pass in a few months. I will let you know if it happens for me!!

[Ruth_Baldock]

I don't think that's cruel! I think it's sensible! My son likes to run around when I am opening the oven. Awful thoughts. I don't like to put him in his high-chair because the inevitable screeching makes for more accidents (for me, and I'm accident prone at the best of times...)Something that does help is taping various ceebeebies faves for him to watch for 5 minutes or so, or letting him watch his Baby Einstein DVDs. I'm sure TV won't kill him and it keeps us both happy. He also likes to sit in the living room 'sorting' (putting things into boxes, and tearing up newsaper). But, again, both only last a few minutes, so it's not as if I could cook a five course meal from scratch with Little Man next door.

It IS all a phase, afterall, but I know it doesn't make it easier. They'll grow out of it, surely. I know I don't act like a mentalist when my Mum makes me dinner (on the rare occasions I go round to hers for dinner).

[The Nappy Lady]

I remember spending a lot of time cooking with my now 6 year old in a sling during this phase...not ideal I know, but if you have them on your back they are mostly out of harms way as long as you don't cook anything that 'spits' etc. It has been much easier with No.2 as mostly her sister is around to entertain her, but we still have our moments. I have a set of little kitchen steps which I got from Betterware and I find she loves to stand on them and 'help' - obviously I put her in a safe place, with a bowl and whisk or similar and that will keep her happy, but your little ones are probably still a bit too young to be safe doing that....give it time.

It is really hard, but sooner or later we all 'loose it' in front of our children in my experience, and this is all part of a process.....they are pushing the boundaries all the time. They NEED to know how far is too far, so don't be afraid to let them know. I still remember the first time I really shouted at my first daughter when she was about 2.5 or 3 and was being really horrible to me after I'd had a really long day at work and picked her up from the childminders - afterwards she was sitting on the naughty step crying and I was in the kitchen crying! It felt awful, but do you know, she never repeated the behaviour that led to it.

Now with a 6 year old and a 2 year old I don't think twice about letting them know when they are close to pushing me too far, but I find I can often (not always) calmly crouch down to their level, look them in the eye and say "I don't want to get cross with you, but if XYZ continues then I will" in a firm voice and it often works.

Hang in there ladies!

Edited to add...it's hilarious really isn't it - we have this set idea of what sort of parent we will be, and then these little people come along and have us questioning ourselves left, right and centre. I'm sure if I could magically travel back in time and interview the 'pre-children' me about Motherhood and my plans I'd laugh myself horse.....

xx

[canadianlisa]

I'm with you both as well. My 16 month old is a prima donna, yesterday she had the mother of all freak outs when we were waiting for the bus to bring us home from nursery. Didn't want to sit on my lap, or in the buggy or have dummy or have a walk, or a snack etc, etc. Nope just wanted to scream and yell and offend fellow commuters. Loads of dirty looks were sent my way. Then we got on the bus and she spent the 10 minute ride smiling at a teenage boy. Don't get it!

I am trying to 'rise above it' as she has always been noisy and I don't think that it's going away. I think a lot of its down to frustration and tiredness. I do tend to shout a bit mostly 'oh for christs sake, calm down' and then I feel bad/ guilty. Am really going to try harder to keep my cool but gawd it's hard at times.

Oh well it's all a phase.

[Pickle]

I'm through the other side of it now that my daughter is 2.5 (closer to 3 now, where's the time gone?), but she was a total diva for a while and it was very trying. Do your best, try to give consistent messages about what's appropriate and what's not in terms of their behaviour - even though they're probably too young to understand they will understand eventually.

Then all of a sudden one day you'll discover that a reward system consisting of pink tutus and the option to chose her own clothes in the morning works wonders :) She's still a stubborn little madam at times, but will do just about anything if it means she gets to wear a "princess" dress. The joy of girls!

[littleEDfamily]

Our daughter has been a handful since around 15 months. She's a wonderful, bright sweet girl most of the time, but some kids are just destined to be harder work. We are now (at age 4) seeing much fewer 'episodes' but today we had a corker over not wanting to wash her hair after swimming.

On at least 3 occasions I have completely lost it and then cried - which amazingly she seemed to really 'get' and it reset the balance in my favour for a couple of weeks afterwards.

But in general, I do think it is best to do whatever you can not to show you are affected by their behaviour. I think a firm telling off and ensuring you follow through with consequences is best eg. if you don't let me wash your hair, I am not reading you a book after your bath. But I also think, as long as they are not endangering themselves, you or anything valuable, and esp if you think they are tired (our daughter is definitely a different child when not well rested), try to let it go. Put them in another room and walk away.

One thing that I have noticed in terms of managing my own feelings in challenging times is that, it's all or nothing for me. If I tell myself that I am not going to get wound up no matter what when it all kicks off, the 'incident' passes more quickly. Conversely, if I allow myself to get outwardly irritated, it inflames the situation and then it escalates.

Good luck from someone who has been down but not out by diva antics for quite some time now!!!

[Beany]

Resurrecting this thread as DofD's original post could have been written by me right now! Nearly 14 month old's day seems to consist of one long tantrum, punctuated by a few moments of calm. Any small thing seems to set her off eg not being allowed to insert phone charger lead into electric socket and, yes, not being invited to join me whist cooking in the kitchen or going to the loo!

Soooo, just wondering whether things improved for DofD and others, and what helped/ didn't help?? I'm reading above that things seem to get better 'in time' - but any more coping strategies for the meantime? Am also wondering if I've done anything to bring about her (ahem...) spirited behaviour - am not the most confident mum.... can the little tinker sense it? The nursery she's with a couple of days a week say she's fine with them, if a little 'cheeky'.

Ugh - I love her fiercely, and miss her loads when I'm at work, but in recent times have been wondering if it'd be better for both of us if I up'd my days.

Any thoughts/ encouragement appreciated!

[cuppa tea]

@ Beany - the mad crazy tantrum stage does pass, but some kids are definitely harder work than others and seem to have more need to be in control. Sounds like she's really wanting to explore. Can you find similar actions for her to do, rather than the dangerous stuff? eg. my second has spent ages putting a blunt pencil into a (safe style) pencil sharpener. He also has his own cupboard in the kitchen with lots of bit and pieces in that he can empty. I change what's in there to keep it interesting for him. Somtimes I put him on a chair at the sink to play in the water when I am washing up. Takes ages then obviously, but keeps him occupied and happy. Or dried pasta in a metal pan with a big spoon. It does buy you some time. Basically if you can work out a safe way to say "yes" to them you can often avoid a tantrum. I have got alot better at this second time round. I think with 1st children it's just a such a shock to how much they change your life and that you can't go to the loo on your own any more. But taking them to the toilet is much quicker than dealing with the ensuing tantrum if you don't!

My 1st is very spirited. While hard work for you, it's a positive thing for them. Bundles and bundles of energy...how great is that! I think from what I can make out it is personality driven. I have found that seeing these personality traits in a positive and more long-term way helps. As an adult being assertive, energetic, driven, motivated and determined are all really good things to be...not perceived to be so in children, weirdly. They probably can sense when you're not confident. I am not as confident with my eldest and he does pick up on it. But they are trailing the way and I'm not sure there is much you can do about it. It's a learning curve for us.

Looking at the earlier posts, I think it's ok to sometimes cry in front of your kids. It shows them you are human and that there is nothing wrong with crying...which there isn't.