Some reassurance that i'm not doing a bad job!!!

[jennyh]

Hi

I'm a new mum to a 2 week old girl and we had a really rough start with feeding and it's been really distressing for is both. She was born at possibly the busiest time on the kings labour ward and in our first 24 hours we didnt have a visit from a midwife. She was put on my chest minutes after being born and shown to go to the breast which she did. After that I blindly carried on 'feeding' her for her first day and thinking we were doing ok. Sadly she was really lethargic on the second day and after seeing a midwife I was told that the breastfeeding technique was poor and as a result she hadn't fed at all on that first day. I was given help with latching but by that point she was very sleepy abd si wouldn't work at it, things went downhill and she got jaundiced and then wouldn't wake up for any feeds. I had to give her formula as she wouldn't even try the breast, we gave her formula using a feeding tube at first as we were worried about using a bottle but she didn't pick up in energy and so we had to give her more regular formula feeds by bottle.

I kept hoping she would still breastfeed and jn the meantime I have her colostrum using a syringe. When my milk came in she was still far too sleepy to feed from a bottle let alone learn how to breastfeed. So we stuck with the bottle formula to get her strength up and I started expressing breastmilk for her. We are now 2 weeks in and ive resigned myself to give up the breastfeeding. I found she was tongue tied and whilst I'm waiting for a referral Im not sure if I will have the procedure unless it is likely to impact on her speech etc. I tried to breastfeed at each feed butcut just wasn't happening and became so stressful for her and me, I'd spend 20-30 mins trying and failing to get her to latch on, then I'd give her the bottle and burp and settle her, then spend 20mins minimum expressing. It was a 90 minute routine which just isn't sustainable without killing myself!!! I tried nipple shields which she would take at first but then just chewed my nipples and fell asleep so she was only using them to soothe and I ended up with blistered and bloody nippmes.

Anyway, lobg story but really I've reached a resolution that I cant keep pressuring myself or her to do it. The important thing is her health and I need to put it in perspective. Im not anti formula and actually hadn't planned on exclusively breastfeeding for lobg hut the fact I can't is upsetting. My hormones are still flying high so it's hard to rationalise and I feel guilty all the time!!! I still manage to express enough for 4 feeds a day which we give her in the daytime. I dont know how long I'll manage to do this for as from tomorrow I'm flying solo with dad back at work and every day she is sleeping less and won't be put down! I feel that for my sanity and her health I am doing the best thing, she gets the nutrition she needs plus sone breastmilk ( when she was trying to breastfeed i got such blistered nipples that i couldnt express because of the pain). Im trying to up my milk supply but I know I dont have enough, plus one boob has blocked ducts so gives very little.

It's just very hard and i suppose I want to know I'm not the only one!! The pressure to push on through the hours of tears and pain as it can take weeks to establish but I think ive decided enough is enough and I can't cope as a new mother with all of that too! I need to enjoy this time and I found myself fearing her feed times and hoping she would stay asleep!!

Anyway....not sure what I want to achieve but there are so many mothers in Dulwich and I'm hoping there are some kind souls who can make me feel better! Others with bottle fed newborns who don't judge or believe ive given in too soon! If there are then please tell me where you hang out because everywhere I look I'm the only one bringing out the formula and bottles in the cafes and it feels horrible!!!

Rant over, thank you!!!

Oh...and I absolutely appreciate and will take any well-meaning any advice but I do think the breastfeeding boat has sailed for us, I need to start enjoying my lovely girl and not sit in limbo crying over spilt milk ( ha!)

[jennyh]

Oh and apologies for all the mistakes! Sleepy eyes plus iPhone keypad!!!

[Pickle]

I'm about to head to bed, so apologies in advance for a tired post.

You are doing an amazing job - I had a tongue tied baby so know exactly what you're going through, it's not fun and you have my full sympathy.

Your baby has had 2 weeks of your milk, and no matter what happens that means you have given her the very best start you can. Formula won't harm her, she is better off having a happy, rested Mummy who has the time and energy to focus on her baby.

I know it may feel that people judge you, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I may look at a Mum feeding a new baby with a bottle, but when I do it's because I'm thinking "awwwwwww, look at that cute little newborn, am I really sure I want to stop at 2, or should I have 3....", not "oh my GOD, she's feeding that baby with a BOTTLE". I remember giving my little boy a bottle at the DMC baby clinic when he was just a week old and feeling like everyone was looking down at me. Actually they were probably just looking at the tiny baby (he was under 6lbs at the time).

Do what's best for you and your baby. And enjoy those scrummy newborn cuddles while you can - I have to rugby tackle my 2 children these days to get a cuddle out of them ;-)

P x

[mrs.lotte]

You poor love. Half my NCT group simply didnt produce milk. Some of us did but couldnt force it down our sleepy ventouse babies. I think that many of us are unprepared for breastfeeding to be a problem. I felt like a horrible failure and persisted to the extent that he was upset and I was exhausted and miserable. You know you love your child and what Pickle said re other people.

Enjoy your daughter. You sound like you are going to be a lovely mum.

Good luck.

nb welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood - you feel guilty if you do, guilty if you don't!

[zeban]

There's no way in the world I would judge a Mum for bottle feeding. If I'm looking at you it's definitely because I'm doing as Pickle said and thinking 'awwwwwwww how unbelievably cute is that baby.' Who is anyone to judge anyway?- they don't know you, or your circumstances. They really they have no right to judge.

[mima08]

congratulations on your new baby !

you are doing a great job! i can so sympathetise, as i sit here bottle feeding! like you, i had a fair few problems right from the birth and my ideal of exclusively breastfeeding did not work. i can fully relate to all you're saying but actually, reading your story makes me realize that you ARE doing a fab job and being really smart to put emotional health first - that will have the biggest influence on your baby 's wellbeing of all!

sorry, have to try & get some sleep, hope you get some too :-)

[helena handbasket]

I had a very similar situation. I know all too well how stressful (and also disappointing!) it is and then to also feel so judged.

But I want you to know that it's OKAY! Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up, it doesn't go anywhere good believe me. So the breast feeding didn't work out........ you love your baby and there's so much more to being a mother than breast feeding! Take a deep breath, give yourself permission to move on and just enjoy your baby. You will lovingly gaze into each others' eyes regardless of how you feed them.

Please don't waste another moment worrying about it...... go love that baby!

[jennyh]

Ah you are all so kind. Up doing the first night feed! Thank you everyone for making me feel ten times better than I've felt for days. It's crazy how something has the power to make you feel that way, I can honestly sat that just a bit of support means I'll sleep a bit easier when I get the chance!

Oh and thank you for taking the time to read my incredibly long post!!!! 

[emza78]

The most important thing for your baby is to have a happy mum!

I also tried to breastfeed my daughter but sounds like we had similar problems to you, she also had to go on formula at the hospital and when we got home I expressed and topped up with formula for the first 6 weeks. There's a lot of pressure on mum's to breastfeed but unfortunately for some of us it just doesn't work. Don't feel guilty - as long as your baby is getting the nutrition they need and is thriving everything will be fine! And congratulations on your new bundle of joy

x

[Mellors]

Poor you.

I have had two tongue tied babies, and I can confirm it is HELL. I beat myself up endlessly for weeks about my "failure" to breastfeed, until I was half mad and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In hindsight (which is marvellous when you are not hormonal and sleep deprived!) I wonder why on earth I bothered.

Formula is fine. You are not failing, you are doing everything you can to make sure your baby is happy and healthy, and just as importantly that you are. Give yourself a break and try to accept that this is the right decision for You and Your Baby (and b*gger anyone else!).

((hugs))

Feel free to PM if you want a rant/cry (I will be back on here myself with the same issues when No 3 turns up and I go through the same again no doubt in a few weeks.......)

x

[Moos]

No time for proper post but very moved by yr story - keep goi g, you obviously love your baby immensely and therefore I'm sure will make her a great mum. I'm all for bf'ing but was raised on formula myself foe similar reasons to yours and am very healthy!

Keep posting, let us know how you are

[Fuschia]

Of course you're not doing a bad job. i had very similar problems with my recent baby (tongue tie and readmission to hospital with high BP for me) even despite having bf 3 children for several years each... and it took us to 6 weeks to establish bf and a lot of tears.

You have to look into your heart to know what's best. If you fear you need to struggle on for a bit longer to try to get the bf sorted, then go for it but if you feel you have reached your limit, noone will judge you for it.

us mothers are our own harshest criticsa, but we're not superwomen

xx

[Fuschia]

If you do feel you need to try any more, i would demand a swift appt with clare kedvers at kings .. lovely woman abnd will make yu fell better whatever you decide to do

[mollydoodle]

Please do not feel like you are the only mum to feel like this. I went through a very similar situation with my baby who wouldn't latch on and postponed it as long as possible to try a bottle with hindsight felt I was advised to go to long as we didn't realise that the syringe feeding was nowhere near enough and after four days we nearly had to go to kings to go on a drip unless she had a bottle. We did then try breastfeeding but all she did was chew them like your baby decided to do mixed feeding by a bottle which was a very emotional decision and involved a lot of tears. After a few weeks went solely onto formula as you can only really express when baby is asleep and you get no rest which doesn't help the emotions and ended up getting mastitis!! I did feel very guilty during all of this and did worry that everyone would me judge me when they saw the bottle though of course no one does but I know how you feel about being out in public used to be glad had a big baby as hoped people would think she was older!! To be honest though even now don't really like telling people that she was a formula baby. It was the right thing though for me and my baby and she has been a very happy and healthy baby. As someone offered above please pm if you want any mor support

[jennyh]

Thank you! Again! I honestly can't say how much better it feels. I always knew I wasn't the only one but for people to confirm the fact is hugely reassuring. I think I have reached my limit and all things considered breastfeeding just isn't the option for us. I am besotted with her and want to pour my efforts into caring for her, not struggling unhappy, overly tired and self-critical. I just need to get to a point where I'm not often wondering if I've tried everything or going over it in my head all day. I'm much happier since I stopped trying the nipple shields 2 days ago, I feel calmer and more content and capable!

I just need to stop criticising myself and genuinely believe that I'm doing ok at this! You are all too kind, there should be a local support group to pat each other on the back and coo at the bottle fed babies!

Xx

[Moi23]

Jennyh, I don't have time to look at what everyone else has said. All I can say, is I think you're a hero for keeping at it as long as you have. It's just soooooo tough to start off with and when things are complicated even tougher. Don't worry, bottle fed babies are absolutely fine! Heck, some mum's point blank refuse to breastfeed at all and that doesn't mean they're doing a bad job either. Congratulations on your little one. Enjoy it!

[sillywoman]

What a lovely Mum you are to your little girl to be trying so hard for her. The first (and often the toughest) lesson of being a new Mum or Dad is that you are not superman/woman. you're just you & you will do/ are doing the best you can with the resources available in the circumstances that you find yourself in. The term 'good enough parent' is one that helps me through some dark moments. Sometimes I'm a brilliant Mum, sometimes I'm a completely crap Mum, mostly I am 'good enough' and that will have to do.

The second thing about being a new Mum is a rather sad lesson in life, and it's this: almost everyone has an opinion about what you do. If you breastfeed there will be people tutting about it, if you bottlefeed there will be people tutting about it. If your baby is in bed, or in it's own room there will always be someone who feels the need to tell you how wrong you're doing it. In the end you do what is best for you, your baby and your little family and hold your head high. No-one knows what your exact circumstances are, so no-one has the right to judge you.

Those first few months are one of the toughest times in a new Mum or Dads life - new babies need to be held and cuddled a lot in the first 6 weeks. Someone used an analogy to me the other day to explain why small babies want to be held all the time; they said if you carried your baby for 12 hours a day you'd still only be holding them for 50% of the time that they are used to being held and carried. That really struck a cord with me. Do what you need to do to get yourselves through it in one piece. She'll grow and in a month or so will need carrying less and in a while you'll look back and miss the closeness of it. It will get calmer soon it really will.

Oh, and congratulations too.

[helena handbasket]

Well put Sillywoman. SW I think it was you who also posted about Harvey Karp's book on here a while back? The first one is called The Happiest Baby on the Block and he suggests that the first three months of baby's life is really more like a fourth trimester. That made sense to me and kind of changed how I approached those months. Great book BTW if you are looking for a nice read. Is that relevant? lol I don't know.

Hope you got a bit of sleep.

[buggie]

really wish there was a "like" feature for all of the lovely supportive posts - not really got anything to add, but well done JennyH - sounds like you're doing a fab job and haven't taken an easy route over the last few weeks.

I remember the 90min offering breast/giving formula milk/expressing cycle from early weeks with my baby, so sorry you didn't get much support from midwives - think the advice/plan I got from Joanne (Claire K's colleague), visits from Oakwood. We were lucky in that the nipple shields worked for us, but even being a paeds nurse (so knew a few tricks) it was still very stressful and wouldn't wish it on any other Mum's.

[Zo?]

Congratulations on your new baby, and even bigger congratulations on being able to see through the fug of hormones to actually do what is right for your family.

I remember so clearly being left to fend for myself with bf in the hospital and a sadistic "nurse" cruelly flicking my nipple & saying "Nothing wrong with your baby, it's your breasts. Useless for breastfeeding." and stalking off down the ward, no doubt to stand on some poor unsuspecting woman's colostomy bag. I also remember soldiering on for months in agony, crying at every feed, unable to leave the house etc etc & having that awful feeling that it was a walk in the park for everyone else & that people were sneering at my failure or ineptitude. Turns out they were probably just looking at my baby, like Pickle says. Madness, in hindsight. Certainly not the best thing for our family.

Anyway, 4 years down the line and with another baby due in a few weeks, I have written myself a letter to read once the baby is born (whilst I still have a handful of marbles). Top of the list is - "Have a crack at breastfeeding, don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out, and just enjoy your new child."

I admire you very much and think you are doing a better job than you will probably ever realise.

x

[jennyh]

It sounds like everyone has had such difficult experiences with something purported to be so natural! I have it ib very good authority that a documentary has been made that illustrates there us no proof that breastfed babies are any less healthy than formula fed but that the NHS have paid a massive amount of money to stop it airing because of the damage to their expensive breast is best campaign. I wonder how many women would be saved from depression and post birth stresses if there was more openness and honesty. I feel Luke going out onto lordship lane with a sandwich board sticking up for us all!

Once again you have all been my saviors and helped me hold my head high. In other news my little girl has put on good weight and is now fitting some if her bigger clothes! She has no more jaundice and is a perfect peachy pink.

I'm off to pump again to make enough for half a feed!

Keep going everyone and good luck to all the new arrivals!

X

[MrsLL2b]

I don't really have any advice or anything to say that hasn't been said but just wanted to also pass on my support. Sounds like you are a really lovely mummy already and I think your little girl is very lucky to have you regardless of how she is fed.

I would say roughly half of the mums I've met have struggled with breastfeeding and have gone onto formula or are putting themselves under so much pressure to express as much as they can. There is so much pressure from the health visitors so just ignore them!

The first couple of weeks are such a scary, emotional roller coaster as it is without putting more pressure on yourself. As was said above, your baby will be better off on formula with a happy mummy than being breastfed but you being stressed out and upset.

It is also scary when your other half returns to work but I found that once I was forced to start having a semblance of routine again things became much better. So don't worry about that.

My baby is 13 weeks old now and I promise you it will get easier soon and all your hormones will calm down. Enjoy your baby and good luck with it all x

[buggie]

jennyh Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> It sounds like everyone has had such difficult

> experiences with something purported to be so

> natural! I have it ib very good authority that a

> documentary has been made that illustrates there

> us no proof that breastfed babies are any less

> healthy than formula fed but that the NHS have

> paid a massive amount of money to stop it airing

> because of the damage to their expensive breast is

> best campaign. I wonder how many women would be

> saved from depression and post birth stresses if

> there was more openness and honesty. I feel Luke

> going out onto lordship lane with a sandwich board

> sticking up for us all!

>

> Once again you have all been my saviors and helped

> me hold my head high. In other news my little girl

> has put on good weight and is now fitting some if

> her bigger clothes! She has no more jaundice and

> is a perfect peachy pink.

> I'm off to pump again to make enough for half a

> feed!

>

> Keep going everyone and good luck to all the new

> arrivals!

>

> X

Don't think the NHS will have had to pay anything to stop a documentary like that airing - it's

actually against broadcasting regulations not to promote breastfeeding as best.

Am sure even the most far up their arse bureaucrat would agree that rather than stopping a doc like that the money would be better spent improving care given to new mums to help them be able to breastfeed.

[littleEDfamily]

I have a slightly different perspective and please don't interpret this as judging or pressuring, but really, the views anyone else about how you proceed with regards to breastfeeding are totally irrelevant, although of course it is natural to seek reassurance. What really struck a cord with me about your post is that it sounds like, in addition to the physical hell you are going through, a lot of your pain is coming from broken dreams about your the birth, the bit directly afterwards and now the nightmare of breastfeeding. All I would say is that if you have even an inkling you might regret not perservering with breastfeeding, and that it may be something that haunts you later on (I do have a few friends who have found this), maybe keep trying a little longer.

Only you know yourself and your baby. Do what is best for you both, but also try and think past the now. And as the others have said, you won't be judged.

PS Edited to add, don't get stressed about not enjoying this time - you have a lifetime to enjoy your lovely baby. I think for most people the idea of post natal bliss (although there are definitely moments of bliss) doesn't materialise. Half of us can barely walk, or are struggling to feed, or are worried about their baby's health etc...in the days and weeks directly afterwards and thinking 'THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!'

[sillywoman]

If you do decide to try a little longer, then it might be worth investing a little money in a Lactation Consultant (if you haven't already). They are people whose area of expertise is breastfeeding. Really, they have seen it all. For a fee they will come to your house, sit with you for as long as it takes, discuss your experience so far, and see if there is anything that can be done to change the current cycle of expressing, pain and exhaustion and improve your experience while still maintaining some breastfeeding if possible.

If you do a search on this forum some past recommendations for Lactation Consultants will come up, or someone might come along soon who can give a more current personal recommendation.