What is the problem with co-sleeping?

[Lochie]

Genuine question, as I don?t really understand ? but what is the problem with co-sleeping from 1 year +?

Until the age of 1 my son was a very good sleeper. From that point though, he seemed to pick up bug after bug - normal I know (he is now 17 months). Night time sleep for the last 4 or 5 months has been difficult, and the bottle of milk that usually settled him no longer works. With some of his worst bugs (painful ear infections with fever etc) I bought him into my bed to comfort him to sleep. The problem now lies in the fact that he wakes in the night and will not settle unless in my bed.

I have been referring to ?What to Expect: The Toddler Years? recently as I find it quite neutral, practical and offers arguments from both points of view. However, this book suggests that co-sleeping is bad bad bad, even in the case of molar teething for which I feel I have no choice but to comfort him in bed with ibuprofen etc. I have tried the controlled crying route but after about an hour I just can?t bear it anymore. I went in a few nights ago after resolving to stick at it, to find him sitting-up cross legged in his bed sobbing into his teddy (lump in throat just thinking about it). At that point I just thought ?How can I leave him crying like that it seems too cruel? and scooped him up and back into our bed he came.

So co-sleeping for us actually works (except husband sleeps on single mattress in our room which isn?t ideal). It is a real way of us all getting some sleep during the night. However, I know it can?t go on forever and will at some point have to nip it in the bud. As I work and study I keep delaying trying to fix it because I can?t afford to have no sleep (though I have some time booked off in April and will tackle it then if I have to).

- I was just wondering if anyone can tell me of the long term effects that co-sleeping has on toddlers (good or bad?)

- How on earth do you comfort a child that has bug after bug without co-sleeping?

- Does controlled crying actually work ? at what point is it detrimental?

Perhaps I am asking the unanswerable, but am desperate for advice from those with older children who know what is around the corner. Though co-sleeping is the better of two evils as the moment (the other being leaving him in his cot to cry into oblivion), I am genuinely starting to find it detrimental as my sleep is so patchy and am feeling a bit resentful of the fact that my little lord is calling the shots....

[regalia]

Full marks for a very patient and extremely tolerant Mr Lochie.

The problem is getting the child out of your warm inviting bed.

Try a warm water bottle filled from the hot tap in his bed, it may make it more inviting.

[Saffron]

Co-sleeping is the norm in many cultures. We sometimes still have Little Saff (13 mo) in our bed, usu if she wakes up a bit too early. It's only a problem if it's a problem for you. There isn't anything wrong or bad about co-sleeping. If you're co-sleeping with an older child, as far as I can see, the problem is mainly space. Would a super-kingsize bed be a good investment?

I shall be following this thread with interest to see what parents of older babies say!

xx

Edited to say there's nothing ever wrong with comforting a crying child. When we hear reports of elderly people in care homes being neglected, people feel outraged, but yet we're told to leave our children crying 'for their own good'? Rubbish. (sits back and waits for the criticisms)

[SummerMum]

I think it is more of what is considered 'normal' in our culture. We have three children, and the worst will have been when there have been nights with all three in our super kingsize bed, and then one decides it is time to wake up, or play footsie with a sibling, or poke Mummy's nose and eyes, and then what started as a way of actually getting some sleep turns in to a very early morning whispered argument about whose fault it is all the kids are in our bed in the first place.

From reading what you have to say, Lochie, it sounds like right now, your co-sleeping is just a sensible solution. What is around the corner... who knows. If you can stick to getting the little one back in their own bed in April, then good for you... you have managed more than me!

(but honestly, there are times when they are in our bed, when they are all asleep, or one or two of them are asleep, and it just feels like bliss! Then there are times, few and far between, when we wake in the morning and no one has climbed in during the night, and that feels like we are a parenting success story!)

And it is on my to do list to sort it out, I think I was going to do it over Christmas...

[dollydaydream]

If it's not a problem for you then go with it, if he's not well all he wants is his mum and the comfort knowing she is next to him. My children would start off in their own beds but would often wake up and get in our bed at night(not everynight)when they felt insecure or ill etc.

They are alot older now and obviously sleep in their own beds in their own rooms.

Your little one is still a baby so forget what the text books say go with what is comfortable for you. He will soon grow out of it.

Good luck

[Fuschia]

We cosleep here.. all our childen have slept with one, the other or both of us ... DS1 started sleeping alone at the age of about 6. As long as everyone had enough space, it works just fine. You can find evidence that CC causes damage to the developing brain and that cosleeping is linked to improved adult mental health. You can probably find some evidence to the contrary too. Point I'm making is that if it works for you and suits your parenting style, don't worry what other people think. It won't be forever. Buy different books! Read stuff by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears. The What to expect books aren't neutral at all, IMO.

[Lochie]

regalia - thank you - have tried warm water bottle! Sometimes he takes that but then stands up in his cot with his arms out crying afterwards, so it is definite comfort that he wants :-(

saffron - yes I know it IS the norm in many cultures. It also feels very right to me on a basic level. I know if I didn't work and was a 'home maker' there wouldn't be as big a problem with this as I wouldn't have to get up and work - and I guess traditionally that would have been my role and is the reason why co-sleeping remains the norm in other cultures. In those cultures being a mother is seen as a primary vocation whese as in the West it is seen as more as an 'add on'. Which is a bit sad really. And yes I totally agree with your sentiment about the elderly.

SummerMum - your comment about 5 in a bed made me laugh!! Funnily enough it sounds like total bliss to me, having all the family snuggling up together though I realise the sleep deprivation that entails makes it less blissful in reality. Sometimes I wonder why we haven't evolved our houses to have a big padded room with nothing else in to make it possible to accomodate the night-time needs of a squirming growing family!

dollydaydream - thank you. All posts have made me feel a bit better. Sometimes I just want to chuck all the books in the bin. Think I am going to shelve them for a while at least ;-)

[bluesuperted]

Also worth reading Three In A Bed, Deborah Jackson - part history, part celebration of the benefits of cosleeping. Really fascinating, well written and affirming of parenting styles that differ from the expected norm. And I don't have the stat to hand but have read that many many more people cosleep EVEN in the cot-liking West than one would think...

Good luck and hope you manage some nice unbroken stretches soon!

X

[Lochie]

...and thanks Fuschia too. The thing with books is they almost always have a 'slant' no matter what they say (was clearly gullible thinking the What to Expect series didn't!) and up to this point I have generally not referred to them at all and used my instinct. But am finding the start of toddler-hood a bit of a head-scratcher and am now referring to them more and more to find out exactly what it IS that my son wants. Guess he'll be speaking in a year so that should resolve a few issues (and no doubt create some more!!!)

[bluesuperted]

Haha we cross posted, me with yet another book recommendation, you shelving all your books for a bit! Sometimes it's just quicker to read the Amazon reviews anyway I find ;)

And I agree re padded room, would be a very good idea!

[Keef]

We still have little girl in with us, at 20 months, but she is getting big for our, not particularly big, bed, so I do head to the spare room for the comfort of the single bed in there sometimes!

I am very happy that we do it, but we are aware that we need to be moving her out in the not too distant future, andwe're a bit concerned how that will go...

[crystal7]

Just wanted to echo what others have said, no problem at all if it works for you it wont be forever. E now 2 didn't sleep through until she was 15 months so always started the night in her cot then came into our bed at some point in the night and we all slept well. We still bring her in when she wakes up now, what with having to get up at 6 and leave the house at 7.30 (with E) 3 days per week I don't have the energy for shushing or the heart to do CC! Happens rarely but was something I worried about a lot in the early days.

Luckily though we all fit in our king size bed!

[Smiler]

We co-slept for part of the night with our first daughter out of desperation as she was a dreadful sleeper, then when she turnd 9 months and teething/illness/separation anxiety kicked in we co-slept the whole time, one of us (mainly me) in a double bed with her in her room. Had pros and cons. When she was close to two, Mr Smiler had enough of sleeping alone and decided to make her settle herself in her cot, so basically did CC but remaining in the room with her as I am anti CC and wouldn't let him leave her completely alone.

When she was two she just one night slept through and since then has slept well (now nearly three!) bloody fantastic! Mr smiler claims the credit, but a friend whose little boy was similarly a bad sleeper til two just continued to co-sleep and he too just one night started to sleep through, at the same age.

With our second daughter we have co-slept from the start and have got a superking bed! Thinking now about whether to carry on or move her to here own room in next couple of months.

[Smiler]

Btw the "what to expect" book is so not neutral on soooo many things! Not looked at it once ths time around and am glad!

[taper]

Some very sensible advice on here. William Sears' books are superb.

[WorkingMummy]

I cannot imagine how co-sleeping could possibly harm a child? We slept with our first from the get-go (although that was not the plan). After about one week, I started to freak that I was making my baby too dependent on me for this and that. My very sensible husband shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well she is dependent on you!" We moved her out of our bed part time when she was 3 months old, but frequently had her back. Her bed did not become the norm until she was 21 months. At that point, I did do controlled crying - only because I was about to give birth and expected to have a new born in bed too. It took 4 days too get our first going down nicely alone without trouble. So boo sucks to all those books that say if you don't teach a child to sleep alone before X months, then you'll never manage it. Controlled cying techniques are easier when the child is old enough to hear you explain what is going to happen. Now that our second is 5 months old, I regularly have both in bed at once. No 1 only comes in when she is poorly, though. This does mean that my husband gets booted out to the spare bed, but he doesn't mind. He gets a good night's sleep.

Our LOs are LOs for such a short time. If they need you at night, they need you at night. What are we here for, other than to meet their needs?

[Keef]

but he doesn't mind. He gets a good night's sleep.

Good lad >:D<

[lillyanginger]

Have you thought about getting rid of the bedframe and putting the mattresses on the floor...It really won't be forever, our DS2 slept in our bed for a long time before he moved in with his brother. Sometimes just a mum/dad will do and I agree with the others who say make do with whatever works for you. Mine are now 9 and 13(tomorrow) - and nobody wants to sleep with us any longer...our bedroom is definitely ours and has been for quite some time.

[prdarling]

IMO, nothimg wrong with co-sleeping per se. Never heard of any teenagers who still co-sleep so it's clearly something they grow out of, plus there is nothing nicer than snuggling down with a toasty warm toddler, knowing that those days are inevitably numbered.

BUT and it's a big but....maybe I am the only one but my God it's an uncomfortable night in the Darling house with a child in the bed. Even if MrD is out of town and I just have one small fry with me, I am kicked about the head 45 times a night as the lunar pull sees them attempt to swim the Channel in their sleep.

If MrD is present and someone appears at my bedside, I'm afraid they get frogmarched back to bed as the combo of the oblivious MrD snoring and one boy or the other beating me senseless with flailing limbs is more than I can take.

Am envious of you co sleepers who can all tuck in for a good nights sleep but it doesn't sound like much of that is happening anyway, as one parent (Dad) is inevitably turfed out. While I agree that a sleeping baby is the holy grail when you are a new parent, I have to say that I'm feeling sorry for those Dads who are on mattresses on the floor or in a single bed in the spare room like an unwelcome guest...especially when the poor devils are off to work the next day. Am I the only one who thinks everyone in the family deserves a good nights sleep??

Not a criticism of co sleeping...I have done my fair share but the maths don't stack up, 2 adults and 2 small boys into one bed do not go

[Ruth_Baldock]

Our son full-time co-slept with us for about 10 months. By that I mean every single nap was with me, or me and husband in our bed and every nights sleep was with us in the bed- he wouldn't settle before about 10pm and was up all evening until we took him upstairs. He'd crash out in between us watching telly, then we'd drop off about an hour later.

When he was a wee little thing, it saved our sanity and was actually lovely. Husband would come home from work at 7ish sometimes, and we'd all go upstairs and veg in bed, Cheeky S breastfeeding and watching what was going on. He was a frequent feeder, waking up every 90 minutes or so, but I'd just roll over, pop him on the boob and we'd both snooze off. It only became a problem the more wriggly and cheeky and mobile he became, and that's when, after weeks of angst and discussion, decided to sleep train him. He CAN sleep through now, but he usually (on a good night, like last night) will come in with us from 5-7.30ish. It's lovely, Husband wakes up and hears him chatting, brings him in with us, and he snuggles in between us and normally snores back off. On a bad night, he wakes up between 1 and 2am and takes a good hour or so of wriggling and shouting and being cheeky before he drops off but we still get more sleep than if we were shush patting him for ages or whatever. He's 14 months now, and I don't really see it stopping anytime soon, but do worry about him sitting on New Baby when she arrives in July (now I know how much MORE rest you get with co-sleeping with a newborn, I have no problem with doing this from the get go).

I love co-sleeping with our snuggly son, even if he is a bit of a trial. Our 2 hour shared naps in the day are lovely, and it certainly works for us.

[EDmummy]

I echo prdarling, who heard of a teenager co-sleeping with their parents?! Have co-slept with both of mine. Used a gentle take to bed approach with No. 1 just before No. 2 was born (took about 4 days). No. 2 still comes into our bed about 2am every night but know he will soon stop this and, although I am looking forward to a bit more room in our king size bed, will finally have to admit my babies have grown up. I think, do whatever feels right!

[susyp]

I coslept with my daughter mainly out of sheer exhaustion and beat myself up for doing it. But have since been told by a couple of counsellors that it is GREAT for the child. Not so good for Mum and Dad's relationship. She is now 2 1/2 and for the last 6 months has been happily sleeping in her own bed at her own instigation . (she is still in a cot so doesn't get up and get into ours....yet). Like so many things in bringing her up I wish I hadn't worried so much about it - it's just a natural thing. If I were to have another child I would do it from the beginning and just not worry. You all get much more sleep and it's lovely - hubby and I were discussing the other night how we miss our night time cuddles with her!

susypx

[hpsaucey]

um. Good to see positive reactions! We just got a bigger bed to solve the 'problem' lol! our two boys aged two and five usually appear in our bed at soMe point in the night. If they still want to do it in ten years time then i'll worry. Have many friends who don't really understand why we do it but its horses for courses, and the time when they want to snuggle up will be gone all too soon ........

[bluesuperted]

Second that it's lovely to hear all the positive stories as like hpsaucey I often meet with confused looks when I explain our set up. I agree it will pass in the blink of an eye and while it's not for everyone, if it's working for you go with it. Ruth - like you did I co-nap and co-sleep with my LO and while I rarely sleep in the day myself, I do get the chance to relax, read, stare at him (!), and it's keeping my energy levels up and my baby very contented. Not a lot of housework getting done but luckily husband rather tidy (read VERY tidy!). Next time we are lucky enough to have a newborn I'll be budgeting for a super king sized bed to replace our current king size and just going with it!

[Ruth_Baldock]

Yep, me too, even when I am not napping (rare these days, moan groan pregnancy yawn) I would read or watch telly (quietly ;) ) or check my emails or just take the weight of my feet and enjoy the quiet for a while. It is LOVELY to scoop up my tired boy from the living room and carry him into our bedroom, he is always giggling like a loon by the time I pull back the duvet of our bed. It makes any crappy day better, especially when he's had a 'Mummy can't do anything right/I'm going to be really, really naughty/I AM GOING TO TANTRUM ALL DAY. ALLLL DAAAYYY' type of morning.