Working, preschooler and another on the way!!!!!! Heeeelp

[Smiler]

Isn't the feminists to blame, is that despite progress society is still not equal. Grrr. Let's start a separate thread though....

[Polly D]

I have just started reading a book on this very topic: the inequality and the presumption that it's the woman/mum who changes her working hours post baby. It's called Shattered and will share link when not on iPhone.

But don't want to turn this into a husband bashing thread. And also let's not forget that SAHMs do very long days too.

My husband has just started a job at heathrow so is leaving house at 5.30am and back well after son's bedtime. I work 4 days/week and have always been responsible for drop off and pick up, living at the mercy of the 185. We are already fearing for our sanity and family life. Good post ryedalema.

[womanofdulwich]

surely it is only the presumption between the couple?

i think you have to lay it on the line for men- explain what you are prepared to do and what they need to do. If they are not going to help- and as most women prefer to deal with the minutae- then women should buy in what they need in terms of extra care. we cannot physically do all of it ourselves. We are not superwomen.

[zeban]

womanofdulwich Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> surely it is only the presumption between the

> couple?

> i think you have to lay it on the line for men-

> explain what you are prepared to do and what they

> need to do. If they are not going to help- and as

> most women prefer to deal with the minutae- then

> women should buy in what they need in terms of

> extra care. we cannot physically do all of it

> ourselves. We are not superwomen.

Exactly womanofdulwich.

I wouldn't blame men at all. You have to be prepared to sit down and work it out together. Men aren't mind readers. And if you need extra help get it in. We're not superwomen and we shouldn't be trying to be.

[Polly D]

No, I'm talking about the presumption at large: in the workplace, mainly. Attitudes towards working parents. Perhaps my husband works in a very male-orientated field. Absolutely no question that he could amend his working hours, whereas my workplace has been very good. Like I said, this is not a moan about blokes. I know loads of dads who pull their weight, including my husband. Like someone said, perhaps this is for another thread.

The OP has my sympathy and support. You must be knackered.

[Maki]

Yep, my husband has also no option to change his hours. He works in Engineering and he said he would actually fear for his progression in the future if he even mentioned it!

We would love to both work 4 days a week and could cope financially with this but it's just not a possibility because of the inflexible nature of the Engineering sector and probably every other male dominated industry out there.

[sb]

.

[Saila]

"How wonderful it would be if it was equally acceptable for the father to work parttime/leave early for pickups etc. How wonderful if say, your male boss (if you have one) or your partner's boss did this. It's all about getting role models in place, so it becomes the new norm. "

this isn't a far off reality at all... i really believe we're nearly there

my boss is a woman (she actually runs the company, which is a globally recognised firm) she brought her baby into a mtg with her once and breastfed him

my direct boss is a man and shares pick up / drop off equally with his wife (at PWC)

so there is hope and there is change happening now :)

[reneet]

Thanks all for the support as this has become a meaningfull discussion rather than my whining i'll move it here

[WorkingMummy]

Reneet, your life sounds a lot like mine (even down to the cooking bit) except I now have the second baby (5.5 months old) and my particulary busy patch at work came just before my last trimester and lasted till the day before the birth. You are not alone. I felt just like you did. And less than a year later I am already trying to talk hubby into going in for round 3. So I promise you it does get better!!!!!

The first 16-20 weeks of most pregnancies really, really SUCK. Things will get better as you get past the pathological exhaustion stage. And as others have said, being pregnant with a toddler is also very, very hard. And not just for mothers who work outside the home. I imagine that being in the home all day could be even harder than what we have. During my second pregnancy, whenever it was difficult at work, I reminded myself what I would/might be doing if I was at home with a toddler and my feet were swelling up. No matter how demanding each of my clients is, they all generally let me go to the loo by myself!

One thing that sounds particularly hard for you is the childcare run. I never had that to deal with as we always took the nanny route, so our childcare comes to me. But there are upsides and downsides to everything. A nursery won't serve notice on you when you are just about to give birth with number 2, as my last nanny did! (I had only a tiny amount of maternity leave before returning to work with an expressing machine.)

The truth is that HOWEVER you cut it, no matter whether you work/he works/you both work, you have a nanny/childminder/day care, pregancy is hard work, toddlers are hard work and being a mum is basically hard work. I cope by just snatching those moments of joy and magic whenever they come by, accepting the exhaustion for now, giving into an element of chaos and remembering that it will get much, much easier as time goes on.

[nancyse15]

Feel for you Reneet. My DS2 is 9 months now, but you have brought back memories of last year when I was only working pt and struggling with dropping off DS1 and generally keeping the ship sailing whilst pg. It was sooo difficult in the early stages and the last couple of months.

Would seriously consider sitting down with OH and see if the household jobs and travel to nursery could be shared a bit more equally though. If you push yourself too hard you could end up exhausted and of no use to yourself or anyone else.

I can't help but thinking we can't (as a society and as women in general)keep going in this way. The amount we all do, the high standards we put in at work and at home - surely it's not good for us or for the kids. In fact it's pretty depressing to think of the impact all this child care has on a little one. 8-6pm is such a long day... sorry I don't want anyone to feel bad about it, but I guess I do feel guilty myself a lot. There must be a better way. Any ideas??

[JessicaR]

OMG, when I was pregnant with my second, we got an au pair for 4 months. She really was a lifesaver! I know it depends on who you get, but often girls who are in the country to study English are happy to live in and help out around the house and with the little one. We paid ours only ?60 a week, but she had her own room, loads of time off & the use of all our facilities (computer, garden etc)

You need a break! Good luck!