Working, preschooler and another on the way!!!!!! Heeeelp

[reneet]

I am very desperate at the moment and would like to know if any mums out there are in a similar situation and how they are coping. I work full time, my job is very high pressure, now more than usually, so generally doing 9-10 hour days. I have an active preschooler who I have to take to nursery and pick up. And to top it all I am 15 weeks pregnant. I actually feel like I am 9 months, I am exhausted and nauseated all the time. I know I need to rest but when I get home I have to attend to my daughter and cook dinner before hubby gets home. He then takes over and I can relax but I can't because I am too tired. Starting to think I am just a sissy, don't remember it being this difficult last time and I was working full time and the job was more high pressure. Just want reassurance that I am not alone.

[womanofdulwich]

you are working a long day, pregnant and then coming home and cooking a family meal?

Not on. Either get him or you to cook/ freeze ahead by preparing food at weekend or get help at pick up time from nursery.Think about getting a local teenager to pick up 2/3 nights a week- it wont cost much and they will be able to commit themselves to this as it wont hurt their social life/ studies. As you get bigger it will get harder and you need to get help now. YOu sound like someone that should have had a nanny - you are trying too much. good luck.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Reneet: I work 3 days a week (2 actually at work, one from home) and although my job involves lots of planning etc, it's not as highly pressured as yours (10 hour days?! WAH!). My son is 14 months, and is either active and cheeky or ill, so something always stops the lovely, serene baby-free post bedtime hours. I am 19w pregnant and EXHAUSTED. So much so, that I couldn't handle anymore children whilst Cheeky S and New Baby are small and, actually, my plans of 3-4 kids are no longer and I have requested Husband gets a vasectomy (!). It's really, really tough, you are certainly not alone. It's so much more hassle this time- arranging childcare when I have MW appointments and such. It's been qite a tricky pregnancy as well, and I've had to take S to the MAU/labour ward with me when I've had to be monitored as husband, god love him, is crap at coming back when I ask him to. (He does eventually, then takes S off my hands and I get a break but if I waited for him to mosey on down from work so I could make sure New Baby is okay, I'd be waiting hours).

The low point was a few weeks ago: S had a temp of 40, taken off to Kings in an ambulance, mystery rash, lumbar puncture. All this was helped along with neither me or husband or S sleeping properly for 2 days and me having HUGE braxton hicks and being kicked in the bladder by New Baby. S was screeching, couldn't get a hold of Husband, and I just wanted to cry.

It'll get easier, thats what I keep telling myself. It has to, or I shall be going away on holiday by myself for 4 months. Will leave a postcard on my side of the bed saying 'Gone fishing'.

[Ruth_Baldock]

on a more practical level. totally agree with WOD.

[pebbles]

I'm sorry I can't help with the work/pregnant/toddler balance HOWEVER i will say that in my opinion that nothing is worse than being pregnant with a toddler. Things get soooo much easier as soon as you have had the baby, ie don't be disheartened as things will get easier.

I think you sound amazing balancing so much and I agree that even if it's just the evening meal that you take out of your day it'll be worth it. Don't be afraid to ask for help, there's nothing wrong with help

[littleEDfamily]

reneet (and actually RB too), I really feel for you. You are not, repeat not! being a sissy. If you have the funds to buy yourself some help, do it! What about that lovely home cooked meals service? Any chance hubby could do some of the nursery pick ups? (I know that sometimes it only works for one person to do it for any number of logistical or job reasons, so not criticising your hubby).

Pregnancy is a phenomenally amazing thing, it's a temporary body transformation if you think about it. It's 100% acceptable to feel differently while pregnant and to bow out of anything that feels too much. That includes work - can you take sick leave, or ask for alternative hours (your employers would be obligated to be flexible, but I know how things are often not that simple....).

Oh and a second pregnancy is a world away from the first from an exhaustion perspective. The lack of sleep ins and constant work of a toddler erodes any time you have to recharge.

[reneet]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> It'll get easier, thats what I keep telling

> myself. It has to, or I shall be going away on

> holiday by myself for 4 months. Will leave a

> postcard on my side of the bed saying 'Gone

> fishing'.

Had to laugh at that. The long hours are temporary as its the end of the financial year and our new year begins in April and so we have to be ready by then. Thing is, i left the private sector and moved to the public to cut pressure and hopefully work less and spend more time with my daughter, but now she spends far more time in nursery than she should and i feel guilty.

I tried cooking and freezing and hubby does a bit over the weekend but there are some weeks like this one when we never did anything over the weekend and it has turned out to be a crappy week.

Sorry I am now rumbling while I should be getting some much needed sleep. Maybe I should go fishing.

[littleEDfamily]

pebbles, you're so right. I am watching 'relocation' - can you get over here and shine my sink?

[womanofdulwich]

Yes sorry reneet the being tired is normal- but I don't think many will be trying to tackle as much as you are! If the above ideas dont work maybe you could cut your work hours back slightly? half an hour a day? (hahaha I hear you say, not in this climate- but if doing your job and being seen to do your job is very important you must get help!)

why are you taking to nursery and picking up? I feel desperately strongly that you are doing too much- surely most couples - one takes to nursery and one collects? I feel like rushing round and giving you a big hug!!

[EDmummy]

I am so sorry to say that it doesn't ever get easier....just different. I have never worked full time with either babies but we did make the decision to leave a bigger gap between the two of them. We also shelved the idea of 3 sadly and me having a more fulfilling career.

Now have two in school but now there are so many other things to take up time - clubs, music, play dates and homework. On the plus side, at least they are not as sickly as they were when younger....on the down side - we don't have as much money because of the need to work part-time to fit everything in.

These are all things NOBODY tells you about but I am afraid you just have to gird your loins (literally in your case).

All I can suggest is to try and make some time for yourself. Massages, reflexology etc., really help with the stress.

Our feminist sisters of the 70s and 80s fought the right fight for which I am eternally grateful...they just didn't tell us the whole story.

My thoughts are with you.

[hellokiran]

Have you thought about hiring a nanny to help you out? I?m 18 years old and currently au pairing in austria but will be moving to east dulwich in April and I?ll be looking for work! It sounds like you need someone!?

I could work full time or part time and can send you my CV and a covering letter if you would like?

Even one or two days of a nannys help will make a difference!

[hellokiran]

I am currently working in Austria as an Au-Pair and Personal tutor to a family with 3 girls. I started in January and will be returning to London (East Dulwich) in early April.

I am keen to continue work in the line of nannying/au-pairing as I want to build childcare experience because I would like to soon start a career as a youth mentor at a special needs school and this sort of work would look good on my cv!

I have worked as a mentor to children aged 4-11 with learning difficulties such as ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome and taken part in organising drama workshops for young children. I am available to work full time or part time and will be dedicated to not only keeping your kiddies safe but building a relationship with them and making them happy!

SO if you have any more questions just message me!

Pretty desperate to start work as soon as I get back as I will be moving in with my boyfriend and will be thrown into the world of rent and bills and having to buy my own milk!!

[Ruth_Baldock]

Agree with LEDF on the cooked meals service; we get ours from Cook (http://www.cookfood.net/) and it's great! Also, on the days MIL has S, she sends home a meal with him for us to scoff but I'm aware not everyone has the luxury of family members round the corner. We try to cook and freeze meals too but tend to fail on that part...

Don't feel guilty about Little Reneet being at nursery more than you'd like; it's not as if you're one of these celeb Mums who have nannies from 1week post partum then spend all their time away from their kids. Like you said, things will get better and quieter at work and you'll get your quality time back soon :) Hang in there!

It's been tough, but it's definitely made me and S stronger- he's quite good and patient now (well, he can be).

All help gratefully received, Forum! Little S should be awake and shouting at about 2am so who is coming over to look after him whilst I snooze with my earplugs in? Any takers?

[new mother]

Reneet, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate. Poor you. Could you even dial in food once a week? Would that help that one night? Sorry you are doing so much....You sound like a typical conscientious mother and colleague who has a lot on and keeps slogging away. Don't hesitate to go to your gp adn ask to be signed off through exhaustion fora few days if that is what you need to recharge the batteries. You don't have the sleep bank that you started with, with numero uno.

Ruth, Sorry about your son's terrifying dash to Kings etc. Really what you DO NOT need. xx

[koteczek]

EDmummy Wrote:

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>

>

> Our feminist sisters of the 70s and 80s fought the

> right fight for which I am eternally

> grateful...they just didn't tell us the whole

> story.

>

> when I read what I have been reading here I really wonder why we should be eternally grateful to our feminist sisters (and mothers). I think women who really wanted to have always been able to do interesting things. Is there any evidence that we are a jot happier or that society is better because of feminism?

[Maki]

Hello!

You are not alone! I work 4 9 hour days in a high pressured role, but we're out of the house for 12 hours each day with a toddler and I'm 10 weeks pregnant. I also do all the drop offs and pick ups! Very luckily I am not suffering with morning sickness, and I only make dinner half of the time. I really feel for you as I cannot imagine having those added pressures.

Love the idea of getting food delivered but have no idea how people afford that! Shame to say that the advice I will give my daughter is to try not be the breadwinner in the relationship she settles in because earning the most and being the mum is bloomin hard work as you have no option but to work a lot of hours and I don't want to!! Boo hoo hoo!!

[KristinH]

it's not going to reduce what you're fitting into the day but listening to mp3 downloads when you go to bed (just go to sleep while they play) can really make a difference to your energy levels and how you feel. www.hypnobirthingdownloads.com - free mp3 on homepage and a Stress Release track + Recharge your Batteries would be great. Good luck, you'll be fine and remember your new baby is most important now, even if you have to leave work early or not eat quite so well.

[littleEDfamily]

Something I have thought about too, but not really an appropriate debate for this thread, in my opinion...reneet just needs a bit of tlc...

koteczek Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> EDmummy Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> >

> >

> > Our feminist sisters of the 70s and 80s fought

> the

> > right fight for which I am eternally

> > grateful...they just didn't tell us the whole

> > story.

> >

> > when I read what I have been reading here I

> really wonder why we should be eternally grateful

> to our feminist sisters (and mothers). I think

> women who really wanted to have always been able

> to do interesting things. Is there any evidence

> that we are a jot happier or that society is

> better because of feminism?

[Sanne Panne]

I love the idea of having a local teenager help you out with nursery pick up and the first after-work/after-nursery hour. It might reduce the stress a bit and you may be able to steal 15 minutes to yourself to unwind at home before you jump into the duties and toddler activities again. Maybe only two or three times a week to keep the cost down... might keep you sane. If you don't/can't do this you could even consider building in a ritual, e.g. a long shower right after your husband comes home so you can disconnect from your busy day before dinner and toddler bedtime.

Good luck with it all, I found it tough too to be pregnant with my second and I wasn't working nearly as much.

[Monkey]

I sympathise. I work 7.30am-5.00pm everyday and then pick up daughter from nursery. I have been doing that since she was four months old and she's now 18 months. Last summer I cracked up - went a bit nuts really. Much better now thanks to understanding colleagues but can't imagine doing all this while pregnant so no you are certainly not a sissy. I do hope you have a cleaning lady. I do and also a lady I can call in only when I need to when the ironing pile's gone out of hand. I can give you her number if you want. At the weekend, we exhaust Little Miss Monkey in the morning so we can have quiet afternoons and this new routine has certainly helped. Sorry I do not have any more tips.

[ryedalema]

Reneet - I was exactly the same. Had a 2.5 year old, a very high pressure job (dd in f/t nursery) and my husband worked away from home Monday to Friday. At the time dd was at nursery in Waterloo as I worked in the city and I'd literally pick her up, feed her on the bus and creep upstairs and into bed when we got home - both of us passing out in the 'big bed'.

Weekends weren't much better as there was lots of resentment between dd1 (who thought Daddy had abandoned her) and my OH (who felt outside of the family) and that all came out each weekend while I was trying to referee and keep the family united.

Ughhh..I'm so sorry I can't offer any advice (other than move to a desert island of course) but I really feel for you. I felt like I was an up the duff hamster on a wheel - going nowhere fast but exhausting myself each day doing it.

We changed a load of things about our lifestyle after that. I kept the job (but negotiated better working patterns), my OH found work in London, we moved the nursery nearer so we could drive there and drop off both girls (and shorten the commute), and we decided that two was enough - so we're (hopefully) not going to have me preggers and commuting again.

You WILL come out of the other side.

Good luck xxxxxxx

[helibell]

I struggled with being solely responsible for for nursery drop-offs & pick-ups of my 2 children on top of full-on job. One day I realised - no one I know does this - so why do I think that I can? And is it any wonder that I feel on the edge all the time?

Perhaps there are people out there who manage happily to squeeze a full days work & commute in between nursery hours but I haven't met them yet.

My neighbour now picks up the children one day a week - while I pick up hers on a day that I don't work. I work at home on another day. There are perhaps creative solutions as well as paying for additional childcare.

[Saila]

i'm fulltime working mum with just one toddler and can't imagine how tough it must be pregnant too *and* doing drop off and pick up?!

my partner is away for 7 weeks so i'm about to have a similar set up but not pregnant (hopefully)

what i've found is that since i only need to cook for me now, life is *much* easier.

i would suggest dropping this as your responsibiility - either get him to do dinner (which means thinking about what you're going to eat too, not just being directed by you) even if it means eating late and taht will make life a lot easier

good luck

x

[Jamma]

Am I being simplistic - the only people to blame here are the husbands. It takes two to make a baby, two to bring up a baby. Why should the woman be lumped with all the pick-ups/childcare/cooking etc? I suggest you sit your other half down an demand he pulls his weight.

[Gubodge]

Wot Jamma said. If you are the main breadwinner, then could your partner not cut back on his hours? Particulalry if it's only until April. We only keep our sanity because my husband does the school drop off. It means he doesn't get in to work until 9.45, but he can then stay as late as he needs to as I've been able to get in early and leave early. We share the cooking, share the preparation of pack lunches and share the housework. If I was left to do it all on my own, let alone when I was pregnant, then I'd probably have had a breakdown.