What is it really like after having a baby

[Fuschia]

Having just surfaced back to reality and started to regain my grip on life, 6 weeks after the arrival of the latest little fuschlet, I wondered if people would like to contribute to a thread about what it's REALLY like after you have a baby.

Having had 3 pregnancies now, I think I have grasped that for me I spend about a month indoors mostly in my pjs getting to grips with breastfeeding, napping whenever I can, forgetting important dates, not wanting to worry about day to day things, and of course having the usual PP symptoms (still bleeding, leaking milk, night sweats etc and not fitting into my normal clothes yet) (Sorry for the TMI)

How about everyone else.. any tips for those expecting their first baby?

[Moos]

Constant anxiety and fretting whether you're doing the right thing... even 2nd time around. So silly, esp as all you really need to do is keep the baby happy by any means you can and ride it out till the baby is bigger, and you can decide what parenting style suits you and the baby.

[Gussy]

I have to say I felt quite let down by the fact that nobody told me what it was REALLY like after having a baby. It's almost as if there is a universal code of silence on the subject. Often, the reality is that it's tough, really tough and sometimes a bloody nightmare, which is hard to tell people. Nobody wants to say to a pregnant lady, hey congratulations, but boy you're in for a shock etc. I know I do it, I just smile sweetly and say congratulations, but inside I'm thinking 'oof, good luck!'. Well, actually I have to say I'm only going on my experiences of having 2 kids, both of which I think were difficult and I was totally unprepared....I know lots of people who seem to sail through, or at least really enjoy the first few months, (or say they do :))especially if they have a good support network and babies that sleep and feed well (neither of mine did). So from my rather skewed viewpoint - I would say it goes like this:

You may not be up to getting out of the house/PJs for weeks or even months. I don't think I got into a confident routine of going out for at least 6 months with my first (with second I was out in the second week!).

Come to terms with your post-baby body. I just thought being slim and athletic things would go back to how they were quite quickly. Nope, I still look 6 months pregnant (9 months post baby no.2). Also, there's lots of other things that change, not just the jelly tummy. Your hair falls out, your skin changes, you're memory goes, my ribs have never gone back into pre-baby position once they were forced upwards by bump, my joints are creakier, my feet are a size larger?, boobs always changing, things 'downstairs' may be very sore for a while, night sweats, pre -pregnancy clothes are gathering dust somewhere....

Get used to constantly getting your boobs and bits out to strangers (well, healthcare professionals anyway)

You have to make yourself a TOTAL pain in the ass to all healthcare professionals in order to be heard (took me a baby to work this one out...)

Breastfeeding can be really hard and you have to (again) pester like hell to get help if you need it.

Be prepared to only sleep for intervals of 1-2 hrs at night for many months (and never assume that once baby 'sleeps through' you've cracked it!)

It's very lonely after all the visitors go

Your relationships with your family (especially grandparents) changes and it takes a while for everyone to work out their new roles/family dynamics

You never get time to wash regularly ever again (2 years on and counting...)

You have to make a whole new set of mummy friends and its a bit like starting at a new school

You meet many people who think they know best

Cbeebies becomes the only thing you watch on tele

When people tell you its get better at 'X' months, take it with a pinch of salt.

Having re-read, I'd like to balance with a positive note, and which by the way, makes all of the above worth it:

You experience a totally overwhelming love for your baby and they take over your life in the most wonderful way. Everything that worried you before (work stuff, bills, price of petrol etc) melts away (ok so that stuff comes back now and again). I am often taken aback by my total devotion to the kids and animal instinct to protect them (especially as I never thought I was that type).

I hope some of this turns out to be helpful (and is not misinterpreted as a moaning session). There should also be a note to add that this was only based on my experiences - I didn't suffer any postnatal depression for example, or have really difficult births or multiple births etc. Some people may snap back into shape after their baby is born, lucky them! Or have great breastfeeding experiences and support, and lots of friends and family nearby to help out, which is a godsend.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Gussy; COULDN'T agree more!

However, if someone had told you how hard it would be- would you have listened? I wouldn't have, that's for sure.

I remember feeling very over-whelmed and lonely in the early months; I thought I was the only one! Turns out, it wasn't just me crying everytime her baby cried.

What I did feel was it got so hard, that I went full circle and suddenly, everything was quite easy. Like I had been pushed to the edge so far that I just...got a lot more confident and it was not so awful anymore.

Relationships changing; totally agree. My ILs and myself have had to find a new...way of being in the same family and loving little Sebastian.

I also think you never really know your partner until you have kids with them. This past 13 months have been a massive eye opener. In good ways and bad ways.

It can't have been that bad, though, as I am typing this with the netbook balanced on my bump (Hubster took Seb out so I could have a lie-in i.e. sort the bedroom out and SHINE THAT BLOODY SINK)

[Gussy]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> Gussy; COULDN'T agree more!

>

> However, if someone had told you how hard it would

> be- would you have listened? I wouldn't have,

> that's for sure.

Hi Ruth, yep, you're probably right, I wouldn't have listened! :)

I do wish though that someone would have said, look about this no sleep lark, yes it's hard and I'm sorry to have to say this but there's going to be some REALLY rocky patches that will take you to the limits of what you thought you could handle, mentally and physically. You will be looking after the baby all day and feeding all night on little more than 2-3 hrs kip for several months. Not just the general 'oh its hard with the lack of sleep sometimes'. Then maybe a little part of me would be like, woa, ok so, that sounds harsh, but now I know. Rather than being in total shock and not getting how you cope, and thinking that everyone else has babies that sleep!

PS would be shinning sink too, but 'resting' today ie looking on here and ignoring mounting chaos (will have to start better housekeeping next week!..)

[radnrach]

The main thing, I would say, is it is emotional. Very emotional. So much love floating round that you're not quite sure what to do with it. And so much emotion tied in to something that you're meant to be rational about. It's impossible to be rational when your baby is crying and you just want to make him feel better and you're not sure how!

[The Nappy Lady]

Hmmm, I know I had it easy with both the births, so didn't have all that to contend with.

I remember being deliriously happy both times, and as radnrach said, overwhelmed with love. But certainly some moments of real self doubt, and with No.1 I recall her lying on her change mat bawling pre-bath time one evening, and me sitting next to her bawling too....in despair at not knowing what to do, and sheer exhaustion I think.

Getting out the house seems so daunting first time around, that was easier second time but I do remember both times getting a bit frustrated by (some) peoples lack of awareness - things like asking us to join them at the theatre for something that started at 7pm when C was almost 3 months old....errr OK...I'm breastfeeding exclusively and she goes to bed at 7.30pm so how does that work. Not their fault but people just don't get it.

Also, being amost nagged about how I'd celebrate my 40th Birthday when C was only 8 months old, and I was I suspect slightly post natal, or maybe just very sleep deprived...either way all I wanted was to be given 48 hours sleep so people going on about how I MUST have a party etc. did not go down well!!!!

The main thing I've realised is that when I have a baby 100% of my focus goes into that little person, plus sibling...(not sure how that works), and I am not the 'normal me' at all. About 18 months later I start to come back out of that zone, and my poor old hubby eventually gets me back when they turn 2. It must be so hard for him, and it isn't something I consciously do, but it happened both times, so I guess it is just me.

[littleEDfamily]

I'll let others comment on the emotional impact, but in terms of the physicality of it all, here are my thoughts.

The first few weeks are really quite gross. You may well have stitches and when you walk you may feel you have 'balls'. It will probably hurt to go to the loo and if that wasn't bad enough, there's the bleeding and other type stuff coming out to make you feel even less attractive and grimy. The night sweats will probably mean you wake up saturated every morning for a while and your boobs (if b/f) will leak all over the place for quite a few weeks.

You may think you are not hormonal, but you probably are, and although you may have some reserves, the constant attention that baby demands and lack fo consistent sleep will soon have you feeling quite mad with exhaustion. Some days, it may take all the energy you can muster to lift your baby and walking around shhussing and patting them will feel like a cruel and unusual form of punishment.

The whole experience is very full on. But then again, you have created, nourrished and birthed a proper HUMAN BEING who is now relying on you, and pretty much you alone for life, so I suppose it was never going to be a walk in the park. And it really really is all worth it ;-)

[ratty]

One Word......

Colic

[Yorkie]

I'm one of the last of my girlfriends to have children so you think I'd know what I was letting myself in for but little did I know... Since then I've taken to putting a wee letter in to those who have followed, seperate from the congratulations & fluffy presents, saying How're you doing? I hope you're okay but I thought you might like to know that I felt like I'd been run over by a bus for the first few weeks. I was getting 3 hrs sleep in 1.5 hr batches, I cried every single day and I felt overwhelmed by the exhaustion and responsibilty not to mention the stress of breastfeeding which took me weeks to master properly (when you can't 'get it' on day 1 and what feels like 25 different midwives have tweaked your nipples and told you to work on your latch...) and you feel like you must be so bloody useless when all these women before you have sailed through it etc etc. In the hope that those who are feeling like it realize they are not alone and it's very normal if they are suffering too. And if they are lucky enough to not recognize it then they can just think poor cow, I'm lucky! Two friends have found it helpful, my sister just said actually I found it all ok and then served me homemade cupcakes (as her 6 week old slept). Good job I love her dearly. And no it hasn't changed, he's 8 months and is still a dream. Mine's 18mths & still doesn't sleep through

[reren]

So strange was just sitting looking at my son feeling overwhelmed by the fact of him and remembering how hard those first weeks were. I certainly was better prepared for the birth (tho of course didnt go to plan at all) than for the first weeks after. I felt lousy - was v anemic and even a phone conversation was tiring. I was so emotional as well. My husband was amazing but i found it hard being so dependent on him when stuck on the sofa breastfeeding and i think we were both a bit shellshocked by the birth. I remember the only thing that made me feel better was holding this gorgeous bundle. I hadnt expected to be so sore and physically incapacitated - and trying to figure out breastfeeding seemed a cruel trick to add to the exhaustion and discomfort.

But of course you are also in this bubble of love - i felt (and continue to feel) closer to my husband than ever having just been thru this amazing experience and of course couldnt believe what we'd created. Im finding so far that it gets easier all the time.

My

[reren]

My tips would be to buy everything you can think of that might help w breastfeeding - nipple shields, expressing machine (i didnt use for ages but i think can help w engorgement), gel pads to put in fridge and sooth sore engorged boobs etc . I also found epsom salts really good for stitches - and organise for someone in addition to your partner to be around to help him/her. They are exhausted too and having to run around fetching things every 5 mins is hard work. Id also make sure you have iron tablets, paracetemol and something to help keep you regular! Constipation was my main worry in the days afterwards!! :-)

[sillywoman]

I turned into a Tiger on the birth of my first baby. I experiences all the disorientation, isolation (BIG-time) and loneliness that others have mentioned, but I was astounded by how fiercely protective I felt. I really did feel I was ready to kill anyone who harmed her in any way. I know it's a cliche, but it was quite an overwhelming feeling - I didn't feel I was myself at all.

Agree with almost everything everyone else has said, particularly about it being an emotional rollercoaster for a few months, about not being 'me' for a long time after, and about staying in my jim-jams in the house (apart from the odd excursion) for about a month after.

Our culture is not good at providing proper post-natal care or having appropriate social norms and expectations around it. Other cultures (ironically those usually those considered more 'primitive') have set 'rules' that are expected to be followed post-birth. Usually along the lines of 'Mum doesn't leave the house or do any work at all for a fortnight (or so) following the birth of baby and Mum is cared for by the women of her community. It makes me very sad that our society has moved so far away from this that we have lost it altogether. And the unrealistic expectations for postnatal recovery that the media avidly promotes just makes my blood boil - don't even get me started on Denise Van-Outenesque style 'look how so&so has regained her figure 3 days after birth' articles - Grrrrrr!

[ClareC]

Don't read if squeamish, but for me, I had no idea whatsoever how much you bleed afterwards!! Or how long it lasts. It's not horrendous, just was a surprise and unexpected.

Stupidly, I didn't really anticipate it either having has a C section - of course when you think of the cause it's going to apply whatever birth you have!!

The other surprise is the amount of milk that leaks of a night!! Definitely use a mattress protector!! I used to wake up soaked in the early days!!

Only other tip is that Newborns cry..... once you have gone through all the usual checks - hunger, nappy, hot, cold, tired etc don't assume that because they fed recently it's not hunger!! Try again anyway!

Also, if they have wind it come's up fairly fast, I remember winding my daughter for ages!! No need to at all, wind come's up within a few minutes of winding, doesnt take hours!

Finally, for anyone that has a C Section, avoid letting your bladder fill too much ie pee frequently!! A full bladder will touch the wound from the inside and that hurts!!! Only made that mistake once!!

[Fuschia]

Babies sometimes cry, esp in the evenings, for no discernable reason...

[Lochie]

I really agree with you sillywoman about our culture and its poor support of postnatal women. I remember I saw a doctor a month or two afer giving birth who told me about some time he spent in Ecuador, where women gather round and share birth stories like war stories, as a way of normalising the process, and as a way for women to vindicate the life changing event they have been through. So they share their stories like badges of honour, and then praise one another for their overwhelming achievement, which has come in the form of their beautiful baby.

It is a shame we don't have that kind of capacity to talk about birth experiences in the western world. When I was about 8 months pregnant a colleague of mine at work was bragging about how she did the Asda shop the day after she had given birth - and so my expectations of how I would feel after labour were far removed from what I actually experienced!! I could barely walk for days!

Also sillywomen it is interesting what you say about being a 'tiger', as I remember asking my Mum (as if she'd know!) why nature makes labour so hard, and why on earth it is the woman that has the burden of feeding as opposed to the man after experiencing the exhaustion of labour. And she said that it is nature's way of ensuring that you fight like a tiger to protect your child (after all you really have been through the ringer to produce him/her), keeping it from harm, and allowing it to prosper into adult life. And if I ever have another child I will remind myself of that as my boobs leak and nipples bleed and 'undercarriage' heals!!

It is all worth it though, a million times over....

[Fuschia]

From an evolutionary point of view, humans need to live in socialised groups so as to protect the mother in childbirth (and childbirth can be long due to large human brain/head needing to get through a pelvis that can't get any bigger and still walk upright) and the same sdocialised groups help support the mother through the early days.

[ryedalema]

ClareC Wrote:

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> Don't read if squeamish, but for me, I had no

> idea whatsoever how much you bleed afterwards!! Or

> how long it lasts. It's not horrendous, just was

> a surprise and unexpected.

I'll second that - every time I moved (got up, took a step etc) I bled. Do not, under any circs, wear your 'good' knickers.

And I agree with most if not all that the other posters have pointed out + a major one for me. You cannot get time to yourself. I really, really wanted (and still do) to go to the loo, have a shower or have a bath without someone else in the room being rather too interested in what's going on.

Privacy? Aaaggh. In about 18 years I guess.

Love them to bits though - them and their 'Mummmmmmmm---- what's that?? And why is yours furry????'

[nunheadmum]

2 things I really didn't anticipate

1. Just how much stress it puts on your relationship. All those little niggles that you easily ignore when it's just two of you (and then a good dollop more!), become so much more of an issue when you're sleep deprived and your patience is all used up by 7am.

2. Feeling like you come right at the end of the pecking order and only after EVERYONE else has had their pound of flesh from you. Even if you do get time for yourself, it's only after you've made sure everyone else is provided for.

I think I did think of issues like this before I had kids but probably had idealistic visions of how I'd deal with it and didn't realise just how intense it can be.

[karter]

We are about to have our first child and thanks to all on this discussion for their experiences and what an informative read. Fingers crossed. We have not purchased anything yet as friends and family want to give what they have but what is the most important thing we should buy? Thanks

[Saffron]

karter Wrote:

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> what is the most

> important thing we should buy? Thanks

Buy a cheap digital thermometer and a Tummy Tub. Tummy Tub is so much better than a regular baby bath.

http://www.nctshop.co.uk/Tummy-Tub-Unique-baby-bath/productinfo/4413/

Little Saff used to have a bath in the TT everyday. About the time that she outgrew it, we started weaning. It then transformed into an excellent bucket for soaking stained baby clothes. You could also use it to keep toys in. b/c it's clear, you can see the toys in the bottom. Excellent value for money and very sturdy.

Also, whether you do disposable or washable nappies, have a couple of different brands to hand. Different brands fit differently... and there's no way to know until you try them on your LO.

Finally, if you can afford it (or find a second-hand one on the Forum), get a baby hammock instead of a moses basket. We had this one http://www.amby.co.uk/site/pages.php?fid=0,11 . It was lovely.

[littleEDfamily]

Hey karter - good luck (I feel a bit quilty about being so graphic in the presence of a newbie).

Do you mean most important stuff for baby, or for you? Or both? And do you mean the big ticket stuff (cot, buggy etc) or the little things?

PS Sorry Saffron, mine hated the tummy tub. Most expensive bucket I've ever bought! We just got in the bath with them.

[karter]

thanks all, littleEdfamily, i mean for the baby. And which buggy is best to go for? ppl keep saying maclaren xt??? thanksxx

[Belle]

Ooh Karter - suspect you will get different answers on the best t hing, and definitely on the buggy! But popular choices for the latter seem to be Maclaren XT and bugaboo bee ( in terms of looking for one which might 'do' for everything and avoid the need to buy a 2nd, lighter buggy once toddlerhood beckons).

Re the best thing to get, I think in a way the best thing is to try to restrain yourself and then buy once baby arrives, as then you'll know what you need more (e.g. if baby turns out to like being upright, you might opt for a sling that's upright rather than across your body type thing, or if he/she is v sicky like mine was, you'll need a million muslins and bibs) - and borrow as much as you can! Then if something doesn't 'work' for your baby you've lost nothing. Most used thing we had (and it was borrowed) was prob the bouncy chair - it had vibro and an activity arch, I couldn't have done without it. Good monitor useful too, think ours is the BT150. Think there was a list on here a while back actually - does anyone remember?

[The Nappy Lady]

I loved Cuddledry towels - so much better & more practical than the usual hooded towels.

I think the tummy tub is very expensive & not essential, bath worked fine for us (our bath not a special baby bath)

Buggy wise - I think it depends on many factors, how much & where you will use it (off road or just pavements), do you live in a flat or a house, do you need to fit it in a car boot, get on buses with it etc. There are long threads on here just on the subject of which buggy to buy if you hunt for them!

I'd say buy as much 2nd hand as you can, and accept all donations as even from one baby to the next I found different stuff worked & got used hugely with 1 & hardly at all with the other.

Oh, get an Ergo sling though - a godsend!