Potty training - sorry for yet another thread..

[byngo]

Hi all

Sorry to post again about potty training but we are having a nightmare with our little 3 yr old girl and any similar stories or advice would be gratefully received.

We tried potty training last spring when she was 2.5yrs but she just constantly weed on the floor and didnt seem ready so, so as not to make a big issue out of it, we put her back in nappies.

She is over 3 and we decided it was time to try again. She is very clever and very stubborn. She seems to have a real bee in her bonnett about not sitting on the loo or potty. Shes been in knickers for 1.5 weeks and manages to hold her wee from 930 am when i take her out of her night nappy after breakfast, unitl about 5pm when she wees all over the floor. She usually runs up and down the house weeing as she knows its not right but when I see her starting to get agitiated I say shall we go to the pot and she just cries and refuses. I worry this cant be good for her, holding her wee all day.

We have bought 3 different potties (even one that sings and has stickers) and 2 different toilet seats but she point blank refuses to sit. Bribes of chocolate, ice cream and presents dont register a flicker of interest. Threats of toys being taken away if she keeps weeing on the floor dont work either. Miraculously she sits on the little loo at nursery but doesnt wee. She wont even sit here. I have a baby who is on the move so trying to keep her from crawling in the wee is always a fun end to the day.

Essentially if anyone has a similar experience or other tips I'd appreciate it. As I say she is v clever and some of it is probably a control issue. I want her to do it and she knows that so doesnt want to. I am trying the reverse psychology of being calm and making out I dont care if she wees on the floor and just cleaning up but by the end of the day and 2 or 3 wees on the floor I have to admit I do lose my cool.

Should we persevere? Should we put her back in nappies for a while. I dont want her to be traumatised but equally she is really ready for this. She just doesnt want to do it yet. Thanks

[nunheadmum]

Could you try taking her to Mothercare or similar and letting her pick her own potty? My first was the same and wouldn't sit on a potty - she's not very physical and didn't seem able to work out the logistics of backing up to it. I was despairing as I knew she was ready. We went to Mothercare one day, not expecting it to have a blind bit of difference but she took a real shine to one and when I got it down, she backed up onto it as though she'd been doing it for years.

My first is a big control freak too so maybe it'll help.

[Fidgetsmum]

Just my personal opinion and from my own experience, but if you put her back in nappies now, she'll never think you're serious about it (seeing as you put her back in nappies last time too). I'm not judging your past decisions at all - I remember days when I wanted to just walk out of the house, or just not bother cleaning up any more wee ever!

When I started to potty train my daughter, we made a big fuss in advance and had a countdown on the calendar to D-Day and then the last nappy came off and that was it - she was only going to wear nappies at night and she knew (and I committed to the fact ) there was absolutely no going back whatsoever. I completely ignored all of her accidents (no matter how deliberate they seemed) and always said the same thing in the same tone of voice so she couldn't think she was getting a 'reaction' out of me. Some days were good with only one or two wees on the floor (carpets! hence now having wooden floors for next baby's turn) but some days were horrendous with many many many wees or even poos on the floor, in pants, just as we were leaving the house, just as visitors were arriving etc etc etc. Some days I spent more time on my knees soaking carpets and pants than I spent upright. But I ALWAYS responded with the same phrase of 'oh well, never mind, just keep trying to use the potty for next time sweetie', the same calm tone of voice and suddenly, one day, she got it.

As for the sitting on the loo at nursery but not at home, it's not the same but similar: my daughter will still occasionally get on the loo but refuse to have a wee saying she doesn't need one. So again, I use the a particular phrase and tone of voice every time and say 'ok. well you sit there until you do. I'm just popping into the study. Shout when you're done' and I don't wait for her reaction as I've already left the bathroom and don't engage in any further conversation. This works EVERY time. It might take 10 seconds to hear a wee, and sometimes it takes a long 5 minutes, but it comes and then she shouts that she's done and I walk in pretending nothing happened and don't mention it, wipe her and move on to the next activity/chore etc.

One thing that might be good is to get some consistency with the nursery - explain what you're doing to the teachers and come to an agreement as to how you'll both do it, so that your child realises there's no negotiation, regardless of where she is.

Ultimately, be strong, acknowledge the accidents with kindness but no 'reaction' or real attention, praise any good behaviour (even if it's only a small step towards the ultimate goal) and remember, she won't be walking up the aisle in nappies, so she will get it eventually. The stronger willed you are on the inside, and calmer you are on the outside and the more she realises there's no choice, it's just the way the world will now be, the chance is, she'll find something else to have a power struggle with you with and get the potty training done!

Good luck - and have a glass of wine in the evenings - I found that helped A LOT!

[sew]

Hi there. I had a hard time potty training my oldest daughter a few years ago and she was similar to yours - holding on, refusing to go, and I too found it hard to be relaxed about it, especially when being relaxed didn't seem to make any difference. The turning point was a Bear in the Big Blue House DVD - I think it was called Potty Time. She used to like telling the bear when she'd been on the potty! Could have just been a coincidence and that she was only ready then but it's worth a try. I lent my copy to comeone and never got it back or I'd let you borrow it but you'll get it on Amazon.

If it's any consolation, as with most things I've found it much easier with my two younger daughters. My youngest is almost two and a half and has only recently trained. She had loads of accidents and sometimes refused to go but I found I didn't mind as much and she got there in the end. But we definitely had at least one accident (often number twos) every day for about a month. And some days there would be 3 or 4 accidents! She started having completely dry days about a month ago but still has the odd accident. So it can just take time. My middle daughter on the other hand just stopped wearing nappies the week of her 2nd birthday, by her own choice. She only ever had one accident. So they are all different and nothing really you do makes any difference to how quickly they train. I would get the DVD, take the plunge, no more nappies and just ride it out. It is really annoying when they refuse to go and then make a mess on the floor but it won't last forever.

Lots of luck!

[gwod]

With one of mine I found it really helpful to have a little friend over who is also potty training so that they can see you making a fuss of and possibly treating the other child when they succeed, and not giving much attention to the child who is not complying with toilet ettiquette!!. It can really diffuse the head-to-head potty stand-off situation. Also you can make activites where they both sit on their pots together- reading to them, tea party, songs etc to help make happy associations with the potty. Good luck!

[chuck]

My daughter was exactly the same holding on for hours and hours- she still has the most amazing bladder control. The fact that your child can hold on for so long goes to prove she is absolute ready for toilet training so dont give up.

My daughter is very strong willed and likes to make decisions for herself from a very young age. I tried everything with her - like you say taking away toys,offering little bribes, being calm, not being calm - nothing worked. Until one day I saw a toy that i knew she had really, really wanted for ages. I bought it without her knowledge then put it on a very high shelf, showed it to her and said if she wee-ed in her potty for a week she could have it. next thing you know she goes straight to the potty, sits down and wees in it. She has not wet herself since. same thing worked for being dry at night. She had to make the decision for herself to do it, she just needs a little nudge in the right direction. And i know it says dont use bribery in all the books but i tell you what, it worked a treat for me!

[byngo]

Thanks for all the advice. Chuck, that's good to know. She has so many toys o don't know what will work as we tried with the offer of a scooter which she had wanted for months an months but no avail. Will persist and hope she gets it soon

[damzel]

Byngo - I hear you! I'm doing exactly the same - 2nd time around for us too after trying in the summer for a solid 10 days and failing miserably. She's not quite 3 yet and still has a long nap in the day (in nappy), also with a child minder for much of the week who sometimes doesn't want to risk taking her out without a nappy as she's so bad at giving any warning. She also holds on for hours and hours (although not all day like yours) amazing bladder control. Usually the naptime nappy is full. She apparently pooed on the carpet at the childrens centre today and told my CM - "I did it over there" pointing to the poo.

Yesterday, she was standing right next to the potty and did a massive wee beside it. Now I know she can pee a little and hold it and then get to the potty so I'm sure she did it deliberately, particularly as she was laughing and splashing her feet in it. I gently told her "it's okay to have accidents but it's not funny or something to laugh at" she replied "it is a little funny mummy". Oh dear!

If you fancy some moral support or to see whether our girls might find it "fun" to pee together on Friday morning or afternoon for an hour or so, PM me. We're replacing our wood floor when she's topped peeing on it so the accidents aren't a major issue here! x

[byngo]

Thanks for all the advice. Chuck, that's good to know. She has so many toys o don't know what will work as we tried with the offer of a scooter which she had wanted for months an months but no avail. Will persist and hope she gets it soon

[Fuschia]

Byngo and Damzel, how is it going?

[byngo]

7 weeks thus weekend gone and still no potty success. Stubborn was a word invented for my daughter. Still she is on full control of her bladder. Still no wee until

about 5pm when she can last no longer and then we wee on the floor, clean up with no fuss, have bath and then nappy for bed. Not sure if I should persist or put her in pull ups and tell her if she wants to use the pot she can pull her nappy down. What do u think? It's a bit tiresome having to mop the floor everyday ESP with my baby now crawling everywhere I have to mop and then use mop 2 to disinfect surfaces. Always happens at dinnertime too!

[pebbles]

I haven't read all of thread so apologies if already suggested but my boy took ages to actually tell us he needed a wee so I just would put him on the loo every 2 hrs or before we went out. What happens if u put her on loo before tea - and bribe with chocolate? Good luck

[damzel]

No joy here either. My childminder and I gave it a good shot in January - 4 weeks of constant accidents with no obvious progress and all 3 of us ended up getting stressed about it. In particular my daughter was becoming very upset by the whole thing so we decided that we'd revert to nappies and just put "big girl pants" on when she chooses to wear them.

She's happy to wear them quite often but she will now only ever wees and poos in her nappy. She sits on the toilet often but never has a result. I don't think she's worked out a) how to let it out on demand; b) to recognise the feeling of when it is about to come out.

I've had her in pants since last Thursday and she is now constipated. I don't think it's a coincidence.

My latest shot is that she's desperate for ballet lessons so I've explained to her that she can't wear a nappy with a leotard and ballet skirt so she won't be able to start until she's using the toilet during the day. Fingers crossed.

Pebbles - she will not sit on the potty at all anymore. She'll sit on the toilet with the child seat but only when SHE wants to. I can no longer persuade her to sit on it at regular intervals.

I also can't go cold turkey as she really doesn't seem to care about weeing anywhere and everywhere.

She's going to be 3 next week... Is she the oldest kid around in nappies?

[Fuschia]

i have two friends whose girls were 2y11m and 3y2m respectively...

[Fuschia]

no cry book might be useful... http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/advice/0071476903.php

you cn ask questions online too...

[damzel]

Thanks, that's a little reassuring! I haven't seen that website before, I'll take a look, thanks Fuschia

[Fuschia]

Damzel, and 3+ isn't unusual for boys. My twin 1 is going to be 3+ I think. But twin II (girl) started by herself at not much past 2!