dh drinks too much and i dont' know what to do

[katmando]

my dh and i have an good relationship overall.

however, i think he drinks too much and it's getting me down.

we have a 1yr old son and thinking of trying for a second but i'm not sure i want to unless i think he can control his intake of alcohol more

i don't mind him going out etc, but when he goes out he comes back rip-roaring drunk. He often loses his phone, falls asleep on buses, gets his wallet nicked etc etc

a few weeks ago he came back from the Bishop with a girl's phone number written on his hand and soaking wet trousers from where he'd wet himself - or missed whilst peeing. he said the phone number was nothing - just some fellow football fan... and that he fell over while trying to go to the loo or something.

anyway - i get more an more mad each time he comes back like this and i'm beginning to think i cna't have another baby with someone who drinks to that excess. last night was another one. he woke me up outside at 3am, no keys or jacket... i was so angry and didn't sleep for 2 hours. today we were meant to have a fun day as a family (it's my only day off in 2 weeks) and he's slept in all morning to get over his heavy night. and now we've argued so my day's turned into me crying.. again.

does anyone else have to deal with this sort of thing?

if it was a one off i genuinely wouldn't bat an eyelid and i did get really drunk at my work xmas party last year but he does it about 1x every 1-2 weeks and he drinks daily at home. he is also on anti-depressants (for OCD) and you're not even meant to mix drink and anti-depressants.

what makes me sick is my father is an alcoholic and i vowed i would never end up with one. also my son is just going to end up being like his dad and it's this cycle that gives me stress headaches and makes me cry.

maybe i'm being completley over the top - am i? he's 40 years old this year.

i want him to get help but he just says how he drinks is 'normal' 'everyone does it' etc etc but this is exactly what my dad was like and exactly what he used to say.

edit for spelling and to say he easily polishes off a bottle of wine a night and probably drinks about 40 units a week ish

[redjam]

Blimey, you poor thing. In my totally non-expert view, yes, it definitely sounds like he's got a problem - what you're describing isn't 'normal'. Has he got any close friends who might talk to him about it? Sometimes it's easier coming from a third party rather than from the nagging wife, so to speak (I'm not suggesting you are nagging, just that he might think of it that way). Are his parents aware of the problem and might they support you if you force the issue? It sounds to me like you need lots of people around you supporting you (and him) as I don't think it's something you can tackle on your own.

I have seen second-hand the devastating effect alcoholism can have on a family - you're absolutely right to try and tackle the problem before all your energy is taken up with another child. Wishing you the best of luck.

P.S. Don't worry about history repeating itself with your son. You're the child of an alcoholic and you're not one yourself, are you? The person I know whose dad actually died of liver failure has a completely sensible approach to drinking himself, so it's certainly not the case that you automatically follow in your parent's footsteps.

[sillywoman]

He's drinking too much & you know it. This is not normal and he's on a very slippery path. My inclination is to say get out now. I know that it's not easy & I'm not saying it has to be forever, but if he won't recognise it himself, or acknowledge the distress it causes you & the impact on your relationship of his drinking then maybe something as dramatic as leaving him might just force him to face up to the reality of his drinking.

You've asked him to get help, but he's in denial. If you stay you will be forced to become a person you don't like - anxious and nagging. he won't have to face anything as you'll be holding his 'family' together for thus leaving him free to kid himself that he's OK.

My first husband drank to similar extent, I also had an alcoholic father so I understand a little of where you're coming from. Tell him you love him, you & your son are still his family, and when he chooses to acknowledge and tackle his alcohol misuse you'll be ready and waiting to rebuild your family relationship.

I'm not a professional so apologies if I'm completely wrong in this, but I'm speaking from the heart. Trust your instincts and protect yourself and your son, make the life you want for him & let your DH join you when he's able.

[katmando]

thanks very much for your understanding messages

his friends are the ones he's drinking with - but obv they don't have kids...

his dad drinks to excess too and i dread visiting them as he drinks even more when we do and we always end up arguing.

you really hit the nail onthe head when you said its turning me into an anxious stress-head. it really is.

i often text him asking him how long he's going to be out. partly to find out that but also to try and wake him up if i think he's fallen asleep onthe bus or lost his phone.

i say really nasty stuff to him too and threaten him etc - never used to do that. He says sorry but it doesn't mean anything anymore.

i'm someone that could very easily become an alcoholic. i think if i was a housewife i'd be one by now. but i control it and i drink far less than i did in my 20s and since i had my son i hardly drink at all. i'm also prone to getting depressed and booze makes me worse. blimey - this is all sounding very depressing. Apart from these incidents we get on very well and are happy. it's just these really heavy nights i can't handle.

edit to say: other weird reactionary behaviour i have is that i will drink if he opens a bottle *just* to reduce his intake. I will also try and get him to go to bed ealrier - or with me - *just* to try and stop him drinking...

so i'm trying to control him which is exhausting and unhealthy

[Polly D]

You poor thing - this sounds really upsetting.

Whilst I agree your husband's behaviour isn't exactly normal - as in acceptable - I do think that a lot of people behave in this way. So don't feel you're alone katmando. I've been in a relationship like this in the past, but we didn't have the commitment of a child.

It sounds like he's letting you down on a lot of levels and you are totally overworked. Your husband is arguing with you because (I'm sure) he knows he's in the wrong and so he's acting defensively. The problem is you won't be able to change your husband's drinking; he has to want to make that change himself. Could you ever see him agreeing/making the decision to go and talk to a professional?

I would hold off on the plans for a second child - if I may be so honest - because I doubt this would make your husband change. And you would be more stressed and tired.

[amyw]

sorry to hear this.

there is a support group which i think is affiliated with AA called Al-Anon and its for people who are affected by other peoples drinking.

that might be a good place for you to get support and advice.

[Keef]

Initially, it's not about the number of units he's drinking, it's the effects. I know a thing or two about booze, and the issues it can cause. The fact he's wetting himself, and thinks that is normal suggests that either he has a problem, or he hangs around with very weak bladdered people. I would suggest that it's the nightly drinking at home that is the biggest issue, even if it doesn't seem most extreme, so perhaps try to suggest he has a couple of nights off each week. I hope he doesn't see this thread though, it amazes me how much people share on here sometimes. Best of luck with it.

[Smiler]

Sounds really hard. Had a friend in a similar situation, also with a little boy, though there were additional issues - she had to leave in the end as he wouldn't change and her little one was exposed to his drunkenness, hangovers etc etc.

Agree with Amy, advice from an organisation that supports people affected by a partner's drinking might be useful.

[EDmummy]

Sadly I haven't anything constructive to say but I think you are incredibly brave to post on here and I really hope you give Al-anon a try. Many people have been/are going through what you have described.

The two questions I would probably ask is, was he like this before you had your child and does he have a stressful or pressurised job? If he is on anti-depressants, is he also receiving counselling? It definitely sounds like there is a bit of a pressure cooker effect going on and only by finding out the cause, will he/you be able to work out the 'treatment'.

I would really like to wish you all the best. x

[kingy68]

Hi Kat.. Can understand exactly were you are coming from it is such a worry when someone so close to you is drinking heavily , not only for their safety but for you an your little one too. My brother was an alcoholic and was on a downhill spiral for years ,he started by drinking from work with friends. At the time he had 4 young sons his wife never knew what state he would come home in , head injuries , cuts bruises one time he actually hit his head so bad that he lost his taste and sense of smell. No matter what my sister in law tried he was in denial that he had a problem. It got so bad that eventually she ashed him to leave. Which give him the leeway to drink to excess. Sadly he passed away in august aged 41 it has left the family totally devastated but he just wouldnt accept any help from anyone we did try with rehab and counselling but he just would not stick it out he had gone to far and was so ill if he never consumed alcohol . Alcoholism is an illness and once you are on that downhill spiral it is very difficult to breakaway. Can you husband go without alcohol or do you think he is dependant on it , does he admit to you that he has a drink problem ? He has to recognize that there is a problem himself before you ave any hope of resolving the situation . I personally dont think you have any worries with your baby at the moment because he is so young. Although its not the ideal atmosphere to be living in for both of you . My brothers boys although a lot older adored their dad until the day he died and still do. Not one of them has a drink problem surprisingly. All i can advise is that you get help sooner rather then later before the situation worsens. Good luck hope it all works itself out x

[Keef]

Just to add, that just because he may not be physically dependant, the mental dependency can be just as, if not more, difficult to overcome.

[Ann]

Good point Keef, alcoholism almost certainly starts off as a psychological need but becomes more of a physical one much more down the line such as Kingy68's brother probably suffered from.

Katmando you have my sympathy, I've known alcoholism within my own extended family where it has never been probably identified as a problem. Sadly I think the 'drink culture' that we have in our country doesn't help and we do have a 'drink culture', most other countries don't have pubs where you go just to drink i.e drink and not eat. It's probably not that surprising that some will take the drinking side to the extreme.

As others have said, well done for posting. Hopefully you can access some professional help, there is definaltely an organisation that helps with family members of alcoholics. I hope you can get some help.

[Sanne Panne]

I agree with Keef that his drinking habits at home may be the most important but also the hardest to tackle. My cousin's husband hardly ever goes out (they're not in the UK, no public binge drinking culture) but he drinks two bottles of wine a night at home. My cousin says he doesn't even get that drunk anymore.

Be careful with the "taking a glass from his bottle" method because she did the same thing and she claims it's what made her husband move up from one to two bottles a night. Initially he'd bring the second bottle home with the purpose of letting her have her glass while ensuring he could have his whole bottle (and then have something left for another day) but of course he now drinks the whole second bottle as well. Their relationship seems ok (they have kids, he never drinks before 6pm and is never drunk in front of the kids - he's a so called Functioning Alcoholic) and so does his health (so far) but it can't be sustainable...

[Belle]

Adfam is a charity which supports the familes of people with alcohol and/or drug problems, I knew someone who worked for them and they sound v good: http://www.adfam.org.uk/

I agree with what other posters have said about the drinking culture in our country - it makes for a lot of grey areas. I guess the ultimate test is: is it affecting his life and his relationships? From what you say, it does sound like it is, but it might help to talk to one of the helplines mentioned here and get a professional's perspective.