Just a little venting......... share if you relate

[littleEDfamily]

I know for a fact my husband would rather I indulged in a spot of affectionate husband bashing on the ED Forum than try to sit him down and have a serious conversation. Whenever I attempt the latter, I see the fear in his eyes, followed shortly by glazed disengagement!

[zeban]

Can I just say it's not the worst thing in the world being a single parent. And though hard it is not impossible at any rate. My Mum did it with 5 children.

I know no one is perfect but I do think it's important to figure out what you expect from eachother as soon as possible and not be afraid of communicating with eachother if it's not working. Otherwise you just end up feeling frustrated and resentful. I know everyone will feel that at some points in their relationships but some of the problems posted here seem quite big.

[helena handbasket]

Molly I think most posts were in the spirit of my original. It's nice to vent once in a while, strangers or not. Probably a step up from my usual audience, which would be the furniture. A healthy giggle is tonic on a blah winter day trapped at home. Thanks for contributing to the fun!

Every family has an evolved dynamic, and couples with young children haven't had the years to work out the kinks. I know a lucky few who have had a smooth transition into parenthood, and hey I'm happy for them, but we did not. What can I say? Spice of life and all that.

Bb, maybe this isn't the thread for you then? The heading dose say "share if you relate" I think.

[Smiler]

Charming berryberry, yes of course we have it easy compared to the rest of the world, but surely that criticism could apply to the whole ed forum?

[Dickensman]

I know what is written here is tongue in cheek,

and my marriage ceased around 10 years ago,

but I feel relieved not to have to defend myself to anyone on this board.

I feel that the tone of this thread is rather depressing.

If you feel this put upon by your husband and his offspring why bother with marriage at all?

The best years of my life were when the children were young and sex was still happening.

What concerns me slightly is the tone of the posts, the storm clouds of gathering resentment so early in your relationships, and I can tell you for sure it doesn't get any better than this stage with babies.

Any of the oldies you ask will confirm that is the case.

The toughest years by far are yet to come, and hopefully there are lots of them ahead.

The one thing I can comment on with confidence and a thorough knowledge of is that divorce is not a path I would wish upon anyone that I liked.

Now feel free to chastise me for misunderstanding your posts.

[Moos]

Oh God.

It's like getting caught by the prefects round here. Come on girls, let's go behind the bike sheds, I've got 10 Marlboro Lights and a dogeared copy of 'Riders'.

[Dickensman]

Was 'Riders' written when you went behind the bikesheds?

[Moos]

Yes indeedy, that and 'Lace' represent the majority of my education.

[Dickensman]

It is always a pleasure to converse with a widely read classical academic.

[sb]

.

[Saffron]

citizenED Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Keep wondering whether some of you checked the

> instruction manuals when you chose your spouses.

> You did realise that some models come without

> empathy. It's an added extra. Difficult to upgrade

> at later point. A lot of the smarter looking, high

> end range have low level specifications in the

> "domestic" arena. They may be living in the 21st

> century but they are defaulted to some 1950s

> outlook.

> Money back guarantee. Er, buyer beware!

I checked the fine print on mine. It says that when he turns 50, I can trade him in for two 25 yos!

[helena handbasket]

Brilliant! More gin and Marlboro's, less dishes! It's so obvious!;-)

[womanofdulwich]

Oh Dickensman I think you are being unfair to those with very young children.It does not get harder it just changes, and if you get a decent amount of sleep over a week it makes a huge difference to how you and your partner/family are. If you are getting less than 6 hours sleep in a 24 hour period then communication and what is reasonable are very hard to judge.

When challenged, woman often say everything is "FINE" anyway - but hopefully most men know that this reply means anything but;-)

[zeban]

Yes but isn't that the point womanofdulwich. Why say fine if you're not? You don't have to have an argument. What are you afraid of by being honest? Women need to be more honest with themselves and their partners.

Your husband isn't going to probe you if you say you're fine, even if he's thinking you're probably not. And if he does it will only end up making the problem bigger than it already is. You have to take responsibility too for communicating or not communicating.

I always write, it takes away the anger and allows you to say what you really feel in a reflective manner. Even if you live together it doesn't matter. As long as find a way of communicating with your partner.

[berryberry]

I think zebans point on communication is spot on. I think Dickensman put it all very well. It reads along the lines of something that is a laugh or cry situation.

handbasket - don't complain when someone points out the stains in your laundry if you insist on hanging it out in a public forum?

[helena handbasket]

Well since I've been pointing out all my own stains the whole time, not sure what you have added to my exposure.

And uh, it's Mrs. Handbasket, thanks.

[womanofdulwich]

zeban, that was my point.I never say fine .

[Trish]

When your other half is left with sole responsibility for his own offspring does he ever tell his mates he can't come out because he's 'babysitting'. Always makes me laugh because wouldn't that be something you did for someone else's kids rather than your own?!

[The Nappy Lady]

Well I'm finding it is getting easier every day now my two are 6 & 2 and hubby and I have more time to enjoy each other / life in general than we have Klingon years, so don't agree with the comment that it gets harder.

HH, I agree most took this thread as it was intended, no point worrying about those who are taking it all too seriously.

Eggnog anyone?!

[sillywoman]

BB - not sure you've quite got the hang of what the family room is about? HH's OP has led to a little tongue-in-cheek venting. Most of us love our partners - unreconstructed though they can be at times. We're just sharing stories of their quirks with other's who can empathise. It's light hearted moaning - it helps to know that others feel the same.

Life is long, marriage/relationships with significant others are also long, and very rarely perfect. It's good to know that despite your failings and theirs, there are others out there following a similar path through the ups and downs of being parents and maintaining a relationship.

It's lovely that you and Mr berryberry have such a grown up and serious relationship and are approaching parenthood with such a very mature attitude. You'd probably find that the other posters on this forum have a similar relationship with their partners in RL just with added humor. They just enjoy chatting about the quirks within it with others of a similar mind and sense of humor.

As HH said, why read the thread if the 'venting' was so likely to offend your sense of what it is to be 'grown up'?

HH; your linen looks spotless from here :))

Moos; I'm definitely up for a quick fag behind the bikesheds, & I've got a bottle of vodka I can bring.

Sensibleman is definitely more 1950's than I first realised (should've known when he said his Mum 'never sat down' with a tinge of pride - I, on the other hand, don't get off my bum unless forced to) but he does do almost all of the hoovering & loads of other stuff too. It all seems to come out in the wash.

Dickensman; my experience so far is that those early years are tough, tough, tough physically and emotionally. there's a middle bit which is a doddle and mostly lovely - sort of primary school age. Then in the teens it gets tough again because they're always one step ahead of you & you're brain's a bit knackered, and they stay up, and out later than you (but you have to stay up to bring them home/ make sure they get in safely) and have horrible mood swings - but it's quite exhilarating seeing them blossom and it's a completely different kind of tough from those early years (e.g. who'd have thought my lovely sensitive DH would become a VictorianFather, & that I would have turned from Mrs GinaFord to Mrs Leftie-liberal? Makes for some interesting convo's in our house). I think you sound a bit unnecessarily 'voice of doom' Dickensman - most of these lovely people & their other halves will do what everyone does, and what they did in the early years, and muddle though well enough.

Keef; can you teach sensibleman that the cooker doesn't bite?

[Smiler]

Trish Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> When your other half is left with sole

> responsibility for his own offspring does he ever

> tell his mates he can't come out because he's

> 'babysitting'. Always makes me laugh because

> wouldn't that be something you did for someone

> else's kids rather than your own?!

My brother, a new parent, said this at work and a (male) colleague said "nope, it's called parenting"!

[Saila]

Man flu:

'You *never* give me any sympathy!!'

'Honey, you've had four colds in the past 3 months... Perhaps if you didn't go out all the time...'

'I'm really ill you should ask me how I am at least every 2 hours'

*stares in disbelief*

[Ruth_Baldock]

Well, I think this post is lovely especially because it's a bit tongue in cheek! Agree with others who have said they haven't said anything here that they haven't already said to their OHs! I'm sure my husband has a whole tonne of gripes with me, too. How boring it would be if we were both 'perfect'. And how exhausting!

But, to make up for it, here is a list of Awesome and Amazing things Mr Baldock has done since I was pregnant with Baby S:

-Gave me lifts everywhere, the moment we got our BFP :"You're going to the loo? Need a lift?!". This includes leaving work early to go home, fetch the car, and collect me daily from Holborn. .

-Became a bit of a breastfeeding expert actually- researching a 'good latch' so he could really help me succeed with feeding Baby S in the awful early days.

-Stayed up all night in the post-natal wards, despite not really meant to be there, holding Tiny Baby S because he only slept when held, waking me up to feed Baby S and then taking over. He did this for about 15 hours straight on less sleep than me.

-Suffered a black eye and split lip from me properly kicking him in the face during labour. Didn't make a peep. Owies!

-When Baby S was 4 days old, telling about 20 members of his family that 'it might be time to leave' when I cried at them all pawing over Baby S. It was way too overwhelming. Family members ignored him, said I was hormonal. DH opened the door, flung out their coats and said 'SOD OFF'. DH would never say boo to a goose before, I was shocked! In a good way.

-Gave up a good paying and interesting project, to take on a mind-numbingly boring one for less pay that meant he could be home in time to bathe 7 week old Baby S. Project was so boring, DH was literally in tears.

-Reguarly tells anyone who will listen how beautiful and wonderful Baby S is (it's true- best baby ever). Says awesome babyness down to me; for taking such good care of my bump during pregnancy and for looking after him in the day (I think I'm just about doing okay- must be doing something right!).

-Tells everyone, all and sundry, that he'd be nothing without Baby S, me, and Mystery Foetus.

-Made all of Baby S's meals at about 2am when he got back from work (new, more interesting project). Every day for 5 weeks. (Purees and the like).

-Has bought every single one of baby s's nappies, toys, clothes, food, sippy cups and all babby related stuff. Prams, cots, etc etc all included in this. Tells me to keep my wages for myself, doesn't ever make a fuss about it.

-Has done shedloads of independent MW research, VBAC research and booked us in for hypnobirthing classes.

-Am running out of volunteers for Bumps and Babes SE22. Hubster offered to take off monday mornings to run groups with me and others until we can find more mums to host.

-Thinks up fun and interesting activities for Baby S to do at the weekend. Absolutelty dotes on him. Tells Baby S, Bump and me that he loves us about six million times a day.

-Didn't call the men in white coats when I locked myself in the bathroom the day before he went back to work. Declared I wouldn't come out until he agreed to stay home with us. DH had lots of patience, sat outside the door passing Baby S to me for feeds, talking about nothing in particular until I convinced myself I'd be okay when he went back. Never once mentioned it to me or anyone else.

-Had listened to me bang on about skin to skin for so long that when Baby S was brought out of theatre, Hubster whipped off his top so that Baby S could snuggle against his skin. I was in surgery for 3 hours. Baby was happy and content and happily came over to me for latching/snuggles when I came round, after being naked and sleeping on my husband's chest for ages. I think this means more to me than anything because I felt so guilty and detached from Baby S because of my c-section.

HOWEVER, on the flip side, he didn't bath Baby S until I got home last night because he 'couldn't find S's towel'. Sigh.

[berryberry]

sillywoman and all other who feel the need to call me up on whatever it is this week. This is a public forum. That means differing perspectives can be thrown up by random members of the public. It is legal and in the course of fair play. There is a core collective on this bored who seem to think if you don't concur or agree then you are just wrong. Sometimes different is just different. Mr Berry and I have a fantastic time and a great giggle and all the hardships of parenting we just respect the hardship. I think at points this thread reads as quite sad and glass half empty. I'm not the only one who has pointed that out. Fair enough to those on the quest for a giggle. People have a varying sense of humour. Some people like to point out that their husband, love of their life and father of their children are inconsiderate and a bit lazy. I like to laugh at american and british politics. Each to their own. Bravo to the ladies who decided to list the goodness and worth of their partners.

[sillywoman]

'board', not 'bored' - sorry to be pedantic.