What do you do with your eldest whilst in labour????

[Ruth_Baldock]

Hello to you Forum, on this brass-monkeys style day.

As I 'came out' a few days ago and announced that Baby Baldock The Younger is going to be making a debut in the summer, I thought it was okay to ask this.

You've got an 18 month old. You go into labour. It's not guaranteed that your close-by Family can look after your 18 month old whilst you are cursing your husband/bouncing on a swiss ball/trying to remember hypnobirthing/begging for a swift death. 18 month old doesn't get on at ALL with YOUR parents (cries, has tantrums, makes self sick) and YOUR parents live bloody miles away anyway.

What do you do? I feel it's too much to ask a friend to look after Baby Baldock The Elder, especially as his birth took 18 hours before I even got to 3cm (TMI? No such thing once you've had kids, surely?) and then it all went downhill anyway.

NO WAY am I bringing him into the labour ward at Kings like DH suggested (mental, absolutely mental). Should I try and flog him on gumtree now and get it out of the way?

[Mellors]

Here's what I did:

1. Tell husband that that bit is his responsibility

2. Husband goes out in town for the night when I am 14 days overdue

3. Husband fails to answer mobile cause its too loud in the pub

4. Start a complete panic because its a bank holiday weekend, and EVERONE even friends you wouldn't normally ring have gone away

5. Finally get hold of husband and tell him that no, he can't finish his drink, its really important he comes home NOW - contractions at this point 2 mins apart

6. Ring mother-in-law and ask her to get first train in morning from depths of East Anglia

7. Slap and scream at husband on his arrival home.

7. Ring taxi and send it to Central London pub to retrieve one of husband's drunken friends to stay overnight until MIL arrives mid-morning the next day. Ignore him trying to hand out drunken kisses and wishes of good luck when you are in nighty and screaming when he arrives.

9. Go to birth centre. Cry when you see midwives you are so relieved to have somebody sensible around. Have baby. Go home and find Child 1 blisfully unaware.

However, I don't suggest you necessarily follow this.......

[Ruth_Baldock]

Well, if nothing, this made me laugh. Last time round, Husband was practically having kittens every 15 minutes the moment I turned 37w, and when I called him that fateful Monday evening, his Dad (who he works with) took the message, and then said to Husband 'It's time! GO GO GO GO GO!'. Husband cycles to Soho and got home in 12 minutes. I was in the bath sipping a hot chocolate, he expected to turn up and find me delivering the placenta with one hand whilst nursing the baby and holding it with the other. Nice.

[GinaG3]

Ha! Well I'm entertained by this thread. Jealous too, congratulations Ruth. I have no idea how to handle another child whilst giving birth. I think men just reckon we can multi task through labour too. So I'm sorry I'm useless.

[Lou]

I dont think it is too much to ask friends...around here in all likelihood you will be asked to repay the favour very soon! I am due 2nd in January and will be relying on friends, until my parents can get down and take over!

[Ruth_Baldock]

Husband suggested an HBAC so we could have Baby B The Elder scurrying around whilst I was in the birth pool. Am sure this works for some people, personally cannot imagine anything I'd like less.

Gina- thanks :) This is what happens the MOMENT your baby starts to 1) sleep through and 2) becomes Best Friends with their cot (can go up to 15 hours in there sometimes...). Baby B started sleeping through on the 18th September, and Baby B 2 was concieved about 3 seconds later (or 3 weeks). My Mum always said this would happen, knew she was right!

[Mellors]

Asking friends is really no prob. Odds on it will be the middle of the night, so they just need to come and sleepover at yours. I would happily do it for anyone in that situation (its not like its every week!), and am sure people would for me. Even a neighbour will do at a push!

[GinaG3]

Thats my immediate conception out the window then. MiniG3 has been sleeping through for the last 7 months and became best friends with her cot at the same time. Partner doesn't want anymore kids so young so I'm popping a pill everyday for good measure.. I don't know why we bother take mens thoughts into consideration!!

[Ruth_Baldock]

Our neighbours hate us ever since the New Kitchen Saga (don't ask) but we do have several friends locally who could help. I'm helping a friend in a similair position in Jan- am her birth partner. She lives in Sussex. When she goes into labour, husband will drive me, baby baldock and himself to theirs so he can babysit her eldest (who will be 2 then). I'd ask the same but three kids under 3 in the same house may prove a bit much for her.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Gina- I'm born in September, so I will have two kids before I am 26 (am 25 now). Husband wanted 3 before he is 30, he's 30 in October. Feel a bit shocked by it all really, never ever ever thought I'd be married with two ankle biters before I was 40, let alone 30.

When we decided to have a second, the conversation went like this:

Me: Another baby would be nice!

Him: I dunno...

Me: I don't need your opinion, just a few of your best swimmers.

Didn't think it would actually work, but it did! 2 miracle babies! Well done us!

[pebbles]

Congratulations Ruth

Absolutely you can ask friends, even if they're not long term friends and just us folk from the EDF - honestly, we all go through the same thing and that's absolutely what we're here for.

I'm v v lucky to have my mummy close so she was always on standby either to come and pick Seb up in the middle of the night or to take him during the day - i actually thought things were happening around bedtime so she came and put him down at hers et voila.....

I did however have baby friends on the standby as i have in turn been on standby for them. Only once have i had to stand up to the asking and basically i just took Seb and cot round to her house as soon as i got the cot and i just played at home with the 3 kids and did everything as normal really and then her parents arrived about 4pm having come quite a distance.

It really is such a difficult thing to plan cos obviously no idea what time but pls pls pls don't be afraid of asking lots of people to have their mobiles on - ie there are some people you know won't mind being woken up at night and have a hubby that can hold the fort with their kid/s the next morning or people who are just excellent with more than one kid during the day - ask lots of people cos no one will mind i promise.

A few friends who went overdue actually had their mums come down and stay to help around the house as well cos they had just had enough.

Good luck

[Ruth_Baldock]

Thanks Pebbles :) it just occured to me that we DO always have Seb's godfather and his fiancee who ADORE him and want lots of practise with babbies before they start trying for their own. Am definitely sure they would help out too. Now that I think about it, this shouldn't be so hard.

Wish I could get Mum to come and stay but she isn't retired yet (she works in gynae and obs and is a spring chicken at just turned 50) so she couldn't really drop everything anyway. Boo hoo.

[nunheadmum]

I'd recommend having lots of options - I found most other mum friends are happy to help, even if you think you don't know them well enough.

Would also recommend having landline numbers for everyone - most folk don't answer mobiles at 2am but landlines tend to get through!

[pebbles]

oooo yes nunheadmum great advice re landline number, mobs always on silent but landlines wake the Gods

[sillywoman]

or, you could arrange beforehand for your Mum to come (she lives 2 hours drive away) and look after your 18month old who doesn't know anyone else and is very shy and clingy. On the day you could

phone her at 8am when it all kicks off and ask her to keep close/ in touch though it might be a while.

phone her 12 hours later to see where is she as you haven't heard from her, and say things are really happening perhaps she could come now?

Phone again 2 hours after that to see if she's coming, she says she's been out for dinner with your step father and had drunk too much coffee & wine to drive. She'll leave soon.

Get partner to phone again at midnight when your homebirth midwife says she's staying cos it's really happening. Get fast asleep step-father with Mum in the background saying "tell her we'll be there about 9am tomorrow" Partner can say crossly "tell **** we need her NOW!"

Midwife can get partner to call at 3am to see what's happening. Get fast asleep step-father again saying " we'll leave soon"

Now you can stress out about baby 1 waking at usual time of 6.30am as it looks like that's exactly when you'll be pushing and needing partner most and there's no-one else baby 1 can got to. If you have to go to hospital resign yourself that baby 1 will have to come along or you'll go alone.

Have baby at 6.30am on bedroom floor.

Be amazed that for the first time in her life baby 1 sleeps until 8am. She doesn't do it again until her teens.

Your useless Mum can arrive at 9.30am and still say 15 years later that it was such a quick birth they didn't have time to get there.

Bitter? Moi? Well maybe just a tad. (6)

[Mellors]

SW that made me Heh! (esp as makes me feel a teensy bit better about my story) :)

[GinaG3]

I have to say I think I'd be inclined to have a home birth. I wanted one with the first anyway.

P.s beat this - my cousin is about to birth her 4 at 24

[Gussy]

Hi Ruth and congrats on your pregnancy! I had the exact same worries and no one close by. Nobody but me and hubby had ever looked after our daughter (she was 16 months at the time) so we didn't want to ask friends - she didn't know them and they also had their own kids to look after, or, they had never even held a child before so it wasn't an option we felt comfy with.

This was actually one of the main reasons we decided to go for a homebirth and doula in the end. It meant mummy wasn't off in hospital for ages (was a week with dd) and daddy could look after her while I had the doula with me, or vice versa. I prepped the doula on dd's routine and we got to know each other fairly well before the big day so she knew her way around the house etc. I went into labour in the morning and had the baby at lunchtime while dd was on her lunchtime nap, so when she woke up she had a new brother! It couldn't have gone better. I then called the in-laws (2 hrs away) and they came down to take dd to the park while I tried to get breastfeeding underway. It's funny I really wanted my hubby with me with my first, but with the second I knew what I was doing and perfectly happy to have a doula there with me. Hubby was in the house and kept checking in on me, so I knew he was there, and with me if I needed him. In fact a female companion was wonderful and she massaged my back, much more than hubby could manage the first time around (he won't mind me saying that). So anyway, maybe an option if you feel really stuck? x

Ps don't forget second labours are normally a lot quicker than firsts (my first was 3 days, second 6 hrs), so bear in mind that even if friends look after your 18 month old, hopefully it won't be for very long!

[ClareC]

I thought I had it sorted - C Section so date known and grandparents booked! Failsafe?!?!?!? Hmmm by the sounds of these stories maybe I need a rethink!

Thinking back to last time, 2 days out of hospital having had a c section I was making lunch and tea etc for my mum who was visiting.... the next day the inlaws came to stay (we had said no house guests).

Now I am panicking too ;-)

[The Nappy Lady]

Congrats Ruth....my friend had her 2nd recently & basically did a 'care plan' for her 18 month old, with 3 weeks mapped out & different people volunteered for slots according to availability. Everyone on the plan had a copy so we knew who we would handover to if need be & also landline & mobile numbers.

In the end her 18 month old slept through it & her home birth was fast so next morning new baby was greeted by big sister & grandma arrived later that day to help out.

With my 2nd my 4 year old went over to a friends for a sleepover once I was in establised labour. They lived across the road so it was all very easy.

Very often, though you don't know it full blown labour doesn't kick in until baby 1 is out the way - though not always as Mellors & Sillywoman have both demonstrated! Fab posts, made me' laugh out loud. Sillywoman, I have no idea how you canforgive your mother for that.....you're a saint!

[jollybaby]

Sw I can imagine having the same conversation with my mum and stepfather. My partner's mother would probably arrive sooner - and she lives in Brisbane!

Ps Ruth - if your baby's on time I'll still be on mat leave and would gladly hold the fort

[new mother]

"my friend had her 2nd recently & basically did a 'care plan' for her 18 month old, with 3 weeks mapped out & different people volunteered for slots according to availability. Everyone on the plan had a copy so we knew who we would handover to if need be & also landline & mobile numbers. "

Excellent idea.

CONGRATS!

[craigy]

baby number 2 arrived in august and i was so worried about what to do with number 1 as family live 100+ miles away.. had loads of offers from friends so plenty of options but never really felt comfortable with this... packed him a bag, bought him a blow up bed for if i needed to dump him anywhere in the middle of the night and generally just hoped everything would work itself out.. it did.

at 39 weeks my sister decided to come and see me for the day and to drive 100+ miles to do so. she phoned me at 8.30 in the morning to check all was ok and i wasn't in labour to which i assured her absolutely nothing was happening and it was fine so she set off.. 45 minutes later i stod up and my waters broke (!!) and then i realised my childcare issues were solved as she could take him back with her and my mum and sis could look after him... she arrived, stayed till 4 and then took him home with her at 4... whilst he was around nothing happened other than water leaking, when she left i started to get mild contractions but still had builders in the house, they left at 7 and it all started at 8 and number 2 arrived at 1am with me feeling relaxed as i knew he was fine....

i swear that it is mind over matter....

[citizenED]

Great to hear other's stories. Still seems amazing that we get ourselves into these positions without "thinking it through", and aren't we supposed to be an intelligent life form?

Always recall the time when my missus was pregnant with no.2 and I went on red alert wondering, how the bloomers are we going to do childcare with two? Had many hectic , stressful months before that was sorted.

Same with the question you ask, Ruth. Only we thought about that one a little more in time and so, despite no1 being a CS we had a planned Water birth at home for no.2 - That's the looking after no.1 sorted on that question. He was around as Mrs Citizen went into labour and then I got to put him to bed, promising that, in the morning, he'd have a little sibling. No.2 was born around 5.30am and it will always be a lasting memory for me that No.1 woke at around 5.45 and I was able to

carry him downstaris and instroduce him to the baby so soon after the little brother was born. Ahh!

[littleEDfamily]

I 'decided' our second would come on a Friday night while her big sister slept upstairs. And believe it or not, she did.

But... in case my plans were scuppered, I asked a very good old old male friend who lived around the corner to be on standby. He explained to his bemused boss that he may be required for 'in labour' babysitting, and therefore could he potentially 'work from home'. I think he and his boss were quite disappointed I didn't need him in the end.

Agree with whomever said have lots of options!!