How many children are best?

[grabot]

My sister moved out when I was 12. This ushered in a siginficantly happier phase in my life. No-one to torment me or my mother. Having experienced having a sibling present and then absent, I can categorically state that my time as an only-child was signficantly happier. Later, she had a child. I always found visiting the family acceptable. Then another child came along and the house became chaotic; the children fought and bickered continuously. My sister was permanently exhausted. I guess that no-one would say that they regretted having another child; how can they the original context is so far removed a comparison is impossible: the past is, very much, a foreign country after children.

As for the only children that I grew up with, they were generally well balanced and considerate.

[sillywoman]

new mother Wrote:

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>

>

>

>

> "Schol fees are the killer. We can do two but not

> three and that upsets me. I must say it irritates

> me to hear parents of eg 4 or 5 children saying

> that they can't afford school fees. Well....in the

> modern world, why did you have so many children???"

"What an utter cheek! How dare people

> criticise that situation?" :))

[enjoy]

Sunday morning, children (8+4) are awake at 8am.

The first thing they do is playing together, or listen to a story, or try to make themselves breakfast...

And they play until lunchtime.

And we, the parents? Staying in bed reading a book.

I have to say we are so lucky our two are getting on so well with each other.

And when I see how much fun they have together, how much they miss each other when one is away - it makes me smile and I feel so lucky for them to have each other.

enjoy

[new mother]

SW, Errr not quite following your post.

It's perfectly reasonable to point out to parents who complain that they cannot afford certain items - eg school fees - for large families that in the c21 Western world one choses how many children to have.

In Belle's example of the woman with one child, the comments she was getting were not linked in any way to complaints she had made about her one child situation.

[gwod]

My financial situation, I guess, was a factor in deciding how many children to have, but not by any means the primary one. The main factor was a visceral and undeniable longing for them to come into being. That's probably the same thing as selfishness.

[sillywoman]

Hoist up your judgey-pants new mother and give it me with both barrels.

In simple terms - in your world it's how-very-dare-they, not OK to judge parents of one children, but it is ok for you to judge families with more than 3 children who have insufficient income to pay for private education. Can you see how that might be constued as amusingly hypocritical of you. No? Thought not?

As you were new mother, as you said - why on earth did they have children? I guess that's a question you'll never figure out the answer to.

[new mother]

SW, not at all what I was saying. My point is: have as many or as few children as is right for you and your husband. However, if people have many children, then they shouldn't complain about what they can afford per child. It's just a choice they've made and one that many others would also make. I knew a girl who was one of 13 though.....

[prdarling]

I have two and would love another for myself and for my children but I can't afford to stop working for long enough. My nearly 5 year old would dearly love another sibling but it's just not feasible from a time (ie I'm not 25 anymore alas) and money point of view. I think big families are wonderful. I have 4 siblings/half siblings and when we get together it's just lovely. All the children adore their aunties and uncles, not to mention the numerous cousins. Family occasions are a joyous, but clearly riotous occasion.

I remember on holiday as a teenager seeing awkward only-child teenage boys having dinner with their 40 something parents in Spain or such like and watching the mortification on their faces as they clearly didn't really want to be hanging out with such oldies and always feeling so grateful for the chaos and hilarity of our family.

It's such a personal decision but I can't imagine being without my siblings and my God, when I am one child down for whatever reason, I find it such hard work to entertain the other one! Mine are only 18 months apart and as such are a litle unit. They stick like glue whenever they are out together at parties and such like

My friend is an only child of two only children. She has no grandparents left and obviously no aunts and uncles and feels bloody alone in the world now her parents are well into their 70's. Can't understand why anyone would willingly wish that potential future on a child.

[JessKat]

Argh!!!

I am an only child. Ok, I'm 28, but still no brothers or sisters on the horizon, and none hidden in the closet. I came late in my parents' life, dad was 39 and mum was 38 - and they'd been together for years, so I think I was a happy accident...

There are good points and bad points about being an only child, dependent entirely on personality and your relationship with your parents, of course. Let me elucidate here.

That man's comment about us not having the facility to fantasise or use our imaginations as children, because we don't have siblings, completely baffled me - and annoyed me slightly, I have to admit. My imaginative world was incredibly rich - and still is - now I'm an actor and a writer. And guess what? Being an actor means I have to interact with people, and wow! I don't find it difficult at all! How amazing.

My mum and dad made sure that I was very well-socialised, and I always had lots of friends round to play, took friends with us on holidays, went on holidays with friends....and yes, you are more used to just talking to adults when you're at home, but the three of us are very lucky that we got on very well, and still do, and my mother has the spirit of a girl trapped in an OAP's body these days. Also, being confident with adults means you're pretty good at dealing with teachers, bosses etc...

I never thought about siblings, cos how can you miss what you've never had? All my friends loved coming round where it was peaceful, no one pulled their hair, broke their toys, nicked their mates.... they were always happy to find ice-cream in the freezer I remember.

My father was one of three brothers and they never really saw each other in adulthood except for long-distance phonecalls. The mutual support came from his wife, my mum. Through his middle brother, I met his daughter (my cousin) who is exactly my age and an only too, and we now get on famously.

BUT:

The way you are spoilt as an only, is not through materialistic ways. The amount of times I asked for that Sindy doll because Jenny Hickling had it, and my mum said absolutely not wait for your birthday?.

However, as an only child you are listened to more intently at the dinner table, and you don?t have to fight to be heard. As you are more used to always being heard, you are not ready for the push and shove of real life. It is not the only child who yells to be heard in a group of kids, or who reaches for the first slice of pizza in the box at a sleepover, the poor thing thinks it will just have to patiently wait its turn and the pizza will come. This is a problem. As an only, I hate confrontations, and get really upset if someone has misunderstood me. I have never had to tackle the rough and tumble of fraternal fighting, or fight to be heard, or grab that slice of pizza, so when I perceive a hurt to me, it can cut deep until my boyfriend reminds me that I have a tendency to take things too seriously.

Your attachments to people you like can be intense, and the object of your admiration might not get that if they have shared their lives with siblings near to them in age. Only children are incredibly loyal and can be oversensitive, and as a result can get hurt! But we love a crowd, paradoxically...

Now that the sibling hair-pulling days are over, sometimes I get scared about being the only one there to deal with my (still very healthy in their 60s) parents, in their old age. But I have friends I know I can rely on - although it will be me at the frontline, of course. And I can't worry too much about that - I owe it to my parents for being, well, fantastic carers when I was little, and who still are now. I get what one lady was saying about her friend feeling lonely, having two only children parents and no siblings or cousins. I have cousins around my age...and honestly I don't know how I'd feel if my (future) child had no siblings AND no cousins. I guess I'd make sure they had plenty of friends.

Overall, I would say to the OP, that if you do end up only having one, really please don't worry too much. There is so much psycho-social tripe and myth about only children, when actually they'll only turn out really weird if you lock them in a cupboard for the whole of their childhoods.

Sorry this is soooo long but naturally it's something close to my heart.

Jess x

[????]

Oh come on it's not all about childhood fun with siblings. I am a bloke and 18 months older than my sister and when we hit our teens this was a mutually benificial relatiosnhip and age gap, in terms of us both getting off with each others mates. ;-)

[pebbles]

What a lovely post JessKat

???? - ha ha ha - i'm the only girl of 2 old brothers and boy did i make the most of it!!!

[littleEDfamily]

???? - why do you think I said I always wanted a brother :-)

[sillywoman]

Fab post JessKat. You've highlighted the pro's & cons beautifully.

[Moi23]

JessKat, I'm an only child too and you absolutely nailed it! In my case though it can be lonely. My parents moved a lot and I never had a chance to cement my friendships for long enough. All my cousins lived far away, so no really close bonds there. However my parents were incredibly loving and I'm really close to them. They've even upped sticks in Spain to come and live near to me and my kids. I reckon if you do just opt for one, make sure there's plenty of family and friends in their life. Even if you don't though, I don't think I'm that much of a fruitcake...

[new mother]

"It is not the only child who yells to be heard in a group of kids, or who reaches for the first slice of pizza in the box at a sleepover, the poor thing thinks it will just have to patiently wait its turn and the pizza will come. This is a problem."

Jesskat, this is quite fascinating and probably the most interesting post, of many(!), I have ever read on this forum.

[JessKat]

Dear pebbles, sillywoman, Moi23 and newmother -

Your lovely comments have made me go pink!

Thank you!

x

[simonethebeaver]

Such an interesting thread! I have a brother, to whom I have never been close, and our relationship was very bad at points. We are now both in our 30s. He lives abroad. We are friendly enough when we meet but this is very rarely. I am grateful someone else is there to cope with my elderly dad though, especially as my brother has a far better relationship with him than I do, and so my father and I don't have to suffer too much in each other's company! But I longed to be an only child growing up.

We're expecting our first child together, but my husband's two children from his first marriage live with us, so it becomes immediately a third child. I'm hoping to have at least one more, possibly two, and as I'm in my mid-30s, probably quite soon together if we can. We're prepared to be quite poor, although the kids are at state schools, we're quite happy driving to France for a holiday, and we both have decent public sector jobs that pay the bills. We need to buy a house and know that we'll all be cramped, as we may only be able to afford 3 bedrooms. I think we've made the decision that we want the big family that may not have lots of money. I wouldn't criticise anyone who makes the opposite decision AT ALL - in a way, going straight to three makes it an easier decision because we never COULD have had just the one, and I really, really wanted a child of my own so sticking at two wasn't an option.

[new mother]

STB, is your husband Jean Paul Sartre? ;-)

One point that might be worth making. I know a couple where the woman agonised for years, literally, about whether to and then when to have a second child. She would often ask friends who had got married early on "what is the best gap in your view?". It's a cautionary tale as, when she finally decided the time was right in view of careeer level, age and maturity of other child, house bought etc, for some reason, they couldn't have another and remain deeply disappointed by that to this day.

I think this is a point for us all nowadays....fertility declines constantly and more from the age of 35, so, while we all know someone or someone's friend who has had 4 children in her 40s, we should not assume blithely that we can too.

[pinkgirl]

Hi,

I have 2 and its great! look at them everyday thinking i am so glad they have eachother to play/fight with lol

they love eachother so much.. would be boring with just one!

but u need to do what would suit you the best ( my advise would be 2!)x