Parenting and self esteem; thoughts?

[sillywoman]

OK badges are here, Woo-hoo! So anyone who wants one please PM me (if you haven't already) or post on here & I'll work out how to get it to you.

[Helen GV]

Just wanted to bump this thread!

[Pickle]

Thanks for bumping this, I've just had a giggle at my initial post ("my kids are older now, I'm working 8 hours a week") while feeding 5 month old baby. How things change in 18 months or so!

And also a huge laugh at Pebbles and her drunken post... that was before we had met, and these days I feel I've known her for ever (in a good way!).

So, 19 months on, has anyone changed how they feel?

[pebbles]

Nooooooo HelenGV - you're not allowed to resurrect my drunken embarrassment :). So thought this thread had left me for good

So how have things changed for me .... I still get drunk and far to vocal he he. But seriously I met some friends on here due to this thread who I now couldn't live without. I feel like I've known them for years and are true friends rather than just baby friends. So although I'm embarrassed I'm glad I got drunk :)

Self esteem wise things are so much easier as the kids r older and therefore there's less play groups and more kids having play dates and me seeing friends for coffee when they r at school/childminder so I'm not having to out myself out there as much - if that makes sense

The other thing that has helped me beyond anything else is my weight loss. Nearly 3 1/2 stone and I'm running (thanks to Pickle) and getting fit so am feeling on top of the world and so much better than ever before. I think more than anything it's the weight loss that has helped me feel happier with myself :)

How's everyone else doing? And to the people who didn't read the thread first time round I hope it helps like it did us

Xxx

[nabz]

what a lovely thread!

I feel the same, took me a while to find myself after having baby safiyya, being a young mum deffinitly confused me, was i soppose to change the way i dress, talk etc? iv finally managed to pick myself back up back to wearing my usually outfits however have bought quite a lot of mummy stuff lol! I do feel completly out of place when i am at university have no idea what gossip is going around iv turned into the mum who shows everyone photos of my baby! how sad :S

iv only met up with people once, which took me along time to do and i must do it again! im planning to finish my last year this coming september and tbh am looking forward to leaving baby behind, i might just look like the fun and carefree person I was when i started university!

[Helen GV]

Sorry pebbles wasn't targeting you! I often think about this thread though because the issues raised affect so many of us and yet we all feel so alone in it all sometimes. Thought those who weren't parents at the time but are now might benefit!

[pebbles]

I was only kidding Helen :)

Totally agree its a great thread :)

[Convex]

I remember this thread too although I read it pre-baby. Will use it as a prompt to call the lady I met at a group and we had coffee and swapped numbers but haven't caught up since!

I was thinking a couple days ago about how we don't see ourselves how others do, very interesting!

Did you end up giving out all of those badges sw?

[sillywoman]

Yes - they all went. I occasionally see one around ED & it always makes me smile :)

For those who don't know what I'mon about & can't be arsed to read the whole thread (& who can blame you ;) ), in brief it's this: I ordered a whole load of badges that said "I like biscuits", they were bright orange. The wearing of said badges out & about was intended to be a signal to those who read this thread, or indeed anyone, that here was a Mum who was willing & ready to chat & who completely understands how hard, & lonely it can be to have a new baby - particularly with your first, and didn't hold any truck with cliques. So if you saw one at toddler group or whatever & were feeling a bit tired/lonely/sad you would know that you could sit next to 'biscuit' woman & she would be happy to chat to you.

Should I get more?

[eco79]

New mum with not many friends here having spent formative London years in North London struggling with lovely 3 month old, weight loss and lack of sleep. I'd like a badge...and will look out for them from now on.

[Audrey]

A lovely timely resurrect seeing as there are drinks coming up... Hope to see as many there as can make it.

I have to admit I haven't read all the thread but can absolutely relate to what I've read....

[buggie]

Oh no - I lost my badge (possibly without wearing it *blush*)... Although saying that, I'd like to think I'm fairly approachable - despite often being v v rubbish with names/ where I've met people before.

Remember reading but can't remember if it was covered in the previous thread, but I still (with Bugglet heading towards 21 months) morn the friends who seem to have taken a big step back since I became a Mum. For some it was that I'm not able to run around fitting in with their schedules at short notice as I use to, but others have really surprised me. There was a point where I was so ready for a night out, had Hubbie desperate to get me out the house for a night but couldn't find anyone to go out with :(

Have found a few fab mummy mates & so have been out a few times but think it's more acceptance that things will be different to the "different" I'd envisaged.... Roll on FR drinks!!

[espelli]

I love this thread! I also remember reading it pre-baby and thinking that the badges were a great idea. 2nd generation badges would be fab! Re-reading it post-baby, I have a very different take on it and completely relate to what's been said. Thank you for resurrecting it!

[Convex]

Yes I would wear a badge. Perhaps they could say

'I love biscuits two'

I do like a good pun!

[cornelia]

Great thread - I was exactly the same! So glad to be back at work now where I don't have to keep trying to look sane and normal and make small talk at playgroups with mums who seemed to have all the friends in the world... though I do wish I could have made a better go at it.

Keep telling myself next time it will be different - but knowing me I'll make the same excuses again, like last time when I thought I would go along to family room drinks but lost my nerve at the last minute ;-)

[Yak]

Cornelia, please come along to the family room drinks! It is ever so friendly and relaxed. Some people know each other in *real life* , plenty of people don't but it doesn't matter at all by the end of the night. You would be very welcome.

[cornelia]

Thank you Yak! The date is in the diary... Fingers crossed.

[scareyt]

This is a lovely thread and I got a lump in my throat reading Sillywoman's summary above. I wish I'd seen it first time round when I had a 5 month old baby who never slept and felt like everyone I met was more together than me. I'm much more confident with motherhood now but still flummoxed by what to talk to "other" people about - went to a daytime party on Saturday and spent much more time than necessary following my toddler around because I couldn't think of anything to say to anyone!

I would happily wear an "I like biscuits two" badge - or maybe pin it on the nappy bag / buggy!

Hope to meet you all at the drinks.

[Belle]

ha - scareyt, i have SO done that thing of unneccessarily following toddler and 'talking' to him when I don't know anyone or feel a bit awkward. he always refuses to play along!

The drinks are on during a week when my mum is visiting so I'm not sure whether I'll make it (much as she and my hubbie get on, leaving them to hang out while I go and get pissed might be a step too far!). Would def love to put some more faces to forum names, and catch up with people I've met in the past too.

[sillywoman]

Miriam Stoppard

Everywoman's Life Guide

2nd Ed

1983

"Very often, children and motherhood bring isolation, confusion and insecurity to many young women. many women feel they are not particularly good at motherhood, and feel failures as mothers. they don't know when the baby has been fed enough, or why it is crying, or =whether it is warm enough. This undermines their self confidence and they often wonder if they will ever do anything properly again. If a woman feels that she is a failure as a mother, she may begin to feel that she is a failure as a person too, and from this time onward she may begin to feel lonely and isolated. Undoubtedly one of the loneliest people in the world can be the mothers of children under school age. For many mothers, lack of help with the children, and reservations about leaving the children in the care of anyone but a relative, mean that they spend their leisure time at home, very often with little more than television to divert them.

One of the most important aspects of motherhood, and one which is rarely discussed is that every individual varies in her attitude towards it, and her capacity to handle it. This is nothing to do with being a good mother, or a bad mother. There is no such thing. A mother is what you are if you choose motherhood - you will them have your own style of doing it. Many of the different approaches of women to motherhood depend a great deal more on stamina and temperament that whether they feed the baby on time & change the nappy as soon as it is soiled. Some women will feel instant mother love for their child at birth. Others may be quite frightened by the absence of this bonding, though there is no reason to be so. Some women feel that being a mother is one of the most thrilling experiences and greatest privileges that they will ever enjoy, but it is easier to find others who will only be able to describe the exhaustion and boredom they experienced in bringing up small children."

[spanners45]

I was thinking the other day, what a great idea the Administrator had to come up with EDF. You have made me laugh out loud with your comments and they ring SO true to me. Only last night I was at one of my best friend's wedding with my hub and the kids and came back home a little sad as I realised my life is so damn different to what it used to be and that I have little in common anymore with my friend (none of them have babies yet). I used to work in corporate communications and be all "strategy and best practices", a bit glam and always in heels and nice clothes. Well, that life is no more, nor are the nice clothes and I feel quite uncomfortable in heels. I make an effort to read the e-version of The Week when I remember so I feel less awful about not knowing what is going on outside my bubble and even then I would rather watch bad tv.

Why is it that smart (I don't know you personally but I get that from your posts), confident and work savvy women feel this different when becoming mums? Is it the lack of 'remuneration'? I am confident that my current job, being the best mum I can be, is without a doubt THE sole most important thing I will ever accomplish but it is difficult to feel like that along the way and not to feel like I've let part of my life succumb to mummy hormones. Is this because we are made to think we can do it all and have it all, look perfectly groomed, manicured and pedicured and of course do it while dressed in MCQueen and wearing Manolos?

[midivydale]

Love love love this thread!

[Otta]

"Why is it that smart (I don't know you personally but I get that from your posts), confident and work savvy women feel this different when becoming mums?"

Not just mums, I am still coming to terms with the changes to my life since becoming a dad.

[Saffron]

Erm, well it's not all down to McQueens and Manolos, but I s'pose they might help? I've just gone back to work, and since most of my pay goes on childcare and paying off my postgrad loans, I don't have much left over to buy work clothes.

Shallow? Yes, I confess it is a little. It's not much of a confidence booster to know that my daughter is in a great nursery, while I'm dressed like a tramp watching everyone else (or so it seems) swanning around in great clothes. :(

SAHMs, anyone not going back to work in the near future? Sell me your old McQueens & Manolos: I'm a 12-10/12 dress size, wear size 6/6.5 shoes.

:)

[spanners45]

Sorry Ottawa, of course I get that some dads might find it hard to adjust too; it's just that in my case, my husband's day to day hasn't been completely turned upside down.

Saffron - the Manolos reference came about because I've seen a feature in a monthly mag featuring mums doing the "school run" dressed like they're just off to the catwalk in Milan/Paris and generally the media trying to make us think that we can have it all and do it all and look fabulous while juggling kids, relationships (partners and friends), keeping our finger on the pulse on current affairs and being a modern day reincarnation of Wonder Woman. Coincidentally, no Manolos to be found in my wardrobe! I wish! (although at this stage I'd probably just embarrass myself by falling flat on my face)