A MASSIVE dilemma re parents and driving

[PeckhamRose]

My elderly parents live in a small bungalow in a culdesac on a very small estate which is served by a small row of shops including a Co-op. My Mum is pretty much housebound now, not being able to walk much. She used to love driving but hasn't driven for years and never will again. Dad has breathing problems so can't even walk to the Co-op anymore. He has a car and he now has to drive the car round the corner (the equivalent distance of say the car park back of Iceland to the East Dulwich Roundabout, except there's hardly any traffic at all). It's the only way he can get the shopping. He doesn't understand being on line much and their old computer has not been used in years.

You know where I am going with this.

His sight is now so bad that if he has to go further than the Co-op Mum has to go with him to help him see what's coming from the left or right. He only ever drives during the day times and when it is brightest so he can see better.

I saw that documentary the other day about this very subject.

They are too far away for me to help.

We have never been that close but I do care.

They are independent and intend to remain so.

What the ph&*& do I do? He simply should not be driving the car.

Without it, they are stuffed.

[Keef]

He definitely shouldn't be driving, in fact, it sounds like he should probably be registered as sight impaired.

Could you maybe do online shopping orders for them, so they wouldn't need to go to the co-op?

[legalbeagle]

Could you order their weekly shopping for them on line and have it delivered to them? They could call you every week with a list, or it might just be a repeat order each week? Or maybe make contact with social services in their area and see if they offer any help?

[SeanMacGabhann]

I'm guessing for food the Co-op can deliver?

If they have to travel further, without knowing what the journey is for it's hard to say what could replace them

Oviously that sounds like I'm confining them to the house but either

a) they are of such infirmity they need to not travel, and should seek visits, delivery or taxis where possible or

b) they aren't that bad yet and there isn't much you can do about it other than worry, just as they have spent worrying about you (at various stages)

[sheilarose]

A mini-cab is a good idea. Also, try ringing Age Concern. I used to do weekly shopping for an elderly lady when I volunteered for them.

[Jeremy]

How about a mobility scooter (and then use a minicab for longer journeys)?

[steveo]

When mother went doolally, I was told by the shrink that I had to inform DVLA who took away her licence. She swore she'd never forgive me but then for some reason forgot

[PeckhamRose]

That's actually quite funny. In a sick sort of way.

Sadly my Dad does retain a great memory and I can't do it to him.

[Keef]

Totally understand that, but you may actually have a responsibility to do that, if the man needs someone else to be his eyes when he drives, he really really should not be driving, whether it is upsetting or not.

Social services may be able to put a shopping service in.

Do they live in a London borough? If so, apply for a Taxi Card. There may be similar things in other parts of the UK, but I don't know about them.

[computedshorty]

PR. Most of what you say applies to me execpt the driving I do drive but my eyesight is perfect I still hold all groups Licence since 1950, I gave up the Heavy Goods licence when I got to seventy, had to drive yesterday as I went to my mates Funeral, zimmer is atill waiting for the mud to be washed off the feet from the Cemetery.

I print a full list of the shopping that I might need and tick the box next to the item, I do several lists one each for Grocery/Provisions/Greengrocery/Chemist/ and one for paying any bills at the Post office, buy stamps/ post letters.

Call at Doctors Surgery to leave Repete Prescription/ call back two days later to collect Prescription or if they dont have the items I get the Prescription and take it to a chemist/ and go back later for it. Your parents might like a list made for them, if I forget to write a thing down I get back with out it.

There will be a time when a call at the garage for petrol must be done, I keep a full tank just in case.

I am also independent and intend to remain so as long as I can.

[Damian H]

This is clearly a difficult stuation for you and it is too your credit that you are concerned. The bottom line is that if they are not safe to drive, either they or someone else couldend up badly hurt or killed as a result.

I agree with the poster who suggested youcontact Age Concern or perjhaps social services. There is no way you or your parents can have been the first to experience a challenge lke this and I am sure there are ideas or strategies or services available to offer a solution.

[PeckhamRose]

No place for your moralising, Sean, and you have no idea about my unhappy childhood, so leave it out.

Thank you.

"and there isn't much you can do about it other than worry, just as they have spent worrying about you (at various stages)"

To everyone else thank you so kindly for your advice, and to the nice PMs I had, also.

[SeanMacGabhann]

Erm - I wasn't moralising at all.

I was making the point that parents spend a large part of their lives worrying about their children. I wasn't making ANY point about your childhood as I have no idea about it whatsoever. I used second-person instead of "one" I guess but it wasn't meant to be you specifically

I thought the whole post was simple, practical advice

[Bellenden Belle]

In fairness to SM - I must say I read that post as being very straightforward and perhaps poignantly addressing the issue we all face at some point down the line: where the child become the carer rather than the cared-for. To be honest that is often the case for children even if their parents have not delivered their side of the bargain - it's a human dilemma isn't it? That even if we had a difficult childhood, we often don't walk away when our parents finally need us. And I speak from experience on that one.

And this is meant as a general musing, no reflection on you Peckham Rose.

Good luck.

[Ladymuck]

Keef's advice re. the Taxi Card is good. I used to look pop in and visit an elderly and disabled lady (she's dead now:'( ) and, whilst I used to do a bit of shopping for her, she used to do the majority with her Taxi Card. She also asked the drivers to carry the stuff into her flat - they seemed pretty good about that. However, the discounts varied depending on the driver :-S. So, in the end she used to request a particular driver from her pool of "favourite drivers". And God help the taxi company if they sent the wrong one! Made me laugh she did!

Could the neighbours not help out a bit too? We help each other out where I live!

[Huguenot]

That's because you're in prison LadyM ;-)

[Ladymuck]

PS: she used to use Dial-a-Ride too, but often complained that it was inconvenient because - apparently - one has to pre-book, and as she was the impetuous/impulsive (in a good way) type, she found it of little use. But it may suit your parents.

As for you Huguenot, I may well end up in prison following the lamping I shall definitely be giving you later on this year!

[Marmora Man]

we had this dilemma too. Solved it by distant online shopping - tho 7 years ago this was still new and problematical. My wife used to drive 100 miles to do the monthly shop, neighbours did rally round. Church and other social groups were helpful. The Dulwich Circle and Dulwich Helpline type of organisations are excellent examples.

In then end the reason we live in ED is that is was the only place in London where we could buy a house large enough for parents-in-law to live with us - albeit it in a granny flat with separate front door.

As for the driving no real clues - my mother in law eventually gave up due to macular disease, it was a great loss to her but with the other support in place she, reluctantly agreed.

[Ladymuck]

I forgot to mention that some of the larger supermarkets now have electric wheelchairs at the disposal of the elderly/disabled (for free). Though be warned, if the drivers of these machines drive without due care and attention, they risk receiving a ban. My little Serbian old lady did, and it took every ounce of my energy to persuade Sainsburys to lift that ban.

Jeez, I'd forgotten about that.

Edited to say: substitute electric wheelchairs for mobility scooters (sorry)

[PeckhamRose]

It's a matter of getting there though. I don't think they can afford a mobility scooter but shall do some research.

I would like to thank all of you who have contributed to this.

And those of you who PMd me.

Sean - you also PMd me with a nice apology but then wrote a half hearted thing in here as well! Had you just left it to the PM I'd have retracted my post. Ho hum!

Thanks everyone.

I am asking the DVLA if they demand a check on the eyesight of the over 70s to get the (eye)ball rolling.

This is going to be dreadful.

[computedshorty]

When a driver reaches 70 years of age a new application is sent to them 90 days before it is due.

The application must be filled in by the proposer, a long list of eyesight questions that deal with all the different ailments these are answered on trust, unless a medical statement has been issued.

There is the anoymous message that gets sent to the DVLA about suspect drivers, this does entail a full investigation of their files of the driver, and those of the informer.

A Licence will if all is well grant a three year licence. BUT should your health decline you must inform them immmediatley.

To see the application form go to DVLA Over 70 Drivers Application Form Eyesight, click fill on line you can read all the pages.

[SeanMacGabhann]

PR

Check the time of the PM and compare it to my post - if you MUST be an ungracious 'mare, and insist on berating me in public for something I didn't do, at least get your chronology right

Not for you, this "realising your mistake and you putting your hands up" lark is it

You should retract your post because you read something wrong, not because you did or didn't get someone's apology

[womanofdulwich]

maybe the milkman delivers? they sometimes do bread, butter etc. it wont be cheap, but i am sure i have had a promotional leaflet at some stage saying they will deliver fruit, veg groceries etc.

[Townleygreen]

re the title of this thread - it sin't a massive dilemma at all. If your Dad isnt safe, then he shouldn't be driving.

End of.

Other posters have made some very helpful practical suggestions which you could act on.

My wife was fortunate in that her elderly mum (90) realised herself that she wasn't totally safe, so she got us to sell her car and now she manages quite well without it. Taxis, lifts, buses. Online shopping.

[HAL9000]

We had this problem with my mother a few years ago - in the end we had to take away her car keys and cancel her insurance cover. She stills hasn't forgiven us. My brothers and I take it in turns to driver her around - it's the only reason I'm stuck in this insalubrious neighbourhood rather than lazing on a tropical beach somewhere exotic :(