Road rage has driven me to write spoof news.....

[TheCat]

LOCAL DULWICH WOMAN THINKS SHE CAN PARK LIKE A COMPLETE @RSEHOLE JUST BY PUTTING HAZARD LIGHTS ON

?Don?t worry?, she said, ?I?ll be back in two minutes?

Pulling up outside her favourite Lordship Lane boutique, Susan Granger, is of the opinion that if you put your hazard lights on, parking like an absolute c#nt becomes acceptable.

Her completely impractical, cream coloured Range Rover sat double-parked for seven minutes while she had to ?run a few errands?.

?It?s such a pain to find a park around there, so I just flick the hazard lights on while I nip in. It only ever takes a minute or two [laughs]. People sometimes toot, but it must be at something else, as my hazard light are on, so I?m fine.?

?Sometimes I don?t even need to put my hazard lights on at all, like when I?m dropping the kids at school. I?m pretty sure the Highway Code has a clause which states that you can do whatever the f#ck you want on the road if you?re dropping off or picking up children?

[Earl Aelfheah]

Yep

[TheArtfulDogger]

Can you follow this up with the news about telepathic directional indicators being trialed across London on selective vehicles ?

[uncleglen]

Especially on roundabouts....

[????]

Looking for spoof article on:

"I'm way to cool to use my indicators EVER. Indicators is for pussy's innit", says 24 year old Jerome

[miga]

"Young man thinks it's totally cool to cycle with headphones in. "It's like a soundtrack to my own London film" - says Nathaniel.".

[TheArtfulDogger]

Oh yeah

What about

"Motorists need their eyesight tested cos they always fail to see me when I jump red lights at night dressed in black on a black push bike with no lights or reflective surfaces" says Vincent a deliveroo courier

Case backed by the Supreme Court who cite that he is perfectly visible on a sunny day therefore car drivers must be at fault regardless of the time of day !

[TheCat]

I like it...how about....

CYCLISTS UP IN ARMS OVER CARS AND BUSES INSIDIOUSLY CREEPING ON TO THEIR ROADS

London cyclists are preparing to form a community action group over the nefarious growth of cars and buses using the capital's roads.

"What's that?!!!, I cant't hear you over my music!!! Said local down and out, and part-time cyclist, Brian, from Camberwell.

After EDF News was able to remove the headphones, Brian was more forthcoming, "Yeah, these bloody cars and buses just started turning up one day, and now they're everywhere. I try to cut up the wrong side of the road, or jump a light, and these car and bus drivers get all upset. They must have a f#cking deathwish messing with us cyclists"

"We're gonna march on parliament this Saturday to stop this madness. Although its a bit far from my place, can you give me a lift mate?"

[Lynne]

"Motorist Fined for driving their car down a road"

"I was shocked", said blonde Mother of Three "It gives me the creeps to think, if I'd been standing still in the middle of the road, they might have hit me" "Yeah" added Mr Cyclist,21, "If I'd been going through those red lights at top whack like always, who knows what would have happened"

[Earl Aelfheah]

Predictable response to the very mention of a car.

[rendelharris]

To sum up the general tone here, as ever when it comes to the bit of the streets between the kerbs, "everyone's sh!te except for me."

[TheArtfulDogger]

rendelharris Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> To sum up the general tone here, as ever when it

> comes to the bit of the streets between the kerbs,

> "everyone's sh!te except for me."

Oh rendel lighten up

It's a bit of fun using the concept of fake news

Nothing serious (I hope)

However just saw this headline

"EDF user sticks head up bottom whilst looking for sense of humour" Young RH of east Dulwich failed to see the humour in fake news stories reported on the EDF thinking they were all real and bashing real road users. This story was texted in by a dog driving around the south circular whilst sticking head out of window to taste the breeze .

[Burbage]

TheCat Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> LOCAL DULWICH WOMAN THINKS SHE CAN PARK LIKE A

> COMPLETE @RSEHOLE JUST BY PUTTING HAZARD LIGHTS

> ON

Silly person. It's not the hazard lights that does the trick, it's the double-parking.

The council, or whatever vastly-indebted purveyor of tailored parking solutions it has outsourced the responsibility to, can only enforce the rules on parking. Double-parking, however, is not a parking offence, but an obstruction of the public highway, and thus falls within the purview of the bluebottles. The police, however, have other things to worry about, such as the long walk from Camberwell. This takes, apparently, around forty-five minutes, leaving plenty of time for even the slackest @rsehole to complete their business.

[rendelharris]

TheArtfulDogger Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> rendelharris Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > To sum up the general tone here, as ever when

> it

> > comes to the bit of the streets between the

> kerbs,

> > "everyone's sh!te except for me."

>

>

> Oh rendel lighten up

>

> It's a bit of fun using the concept of fake news

Thought the first post was quite funny - just bored with how quickly it degenerated into let's have a pop at cyclists.

[teddyboy23]

Just seen the latest form of transport on 6 o,news . It's called a bikeycar .the front half is a bike occupied by one rider.back half is a car occupied by a driver.passed it's final road-test.by stopping at a red light.( Strange colour) the car half stops in the cycle box which means the bike half is passed the red light.which means rider an driver both get dirty looks and hand gestures and threats from other road users.sales are expected to top 50 million.

[teddyboy23]

Breaking news .a pothole as reappeared by goose green roundabout.only this time it's 4metres wide and 6metres deep.asouthwark council spokesperson said we don't know why this hole as appeared .but we will be looking into it!

[malumbu]

There is this non-gender non-ethnic, non-nationality, non-sexual orientation specific person giving a lift to a similar person. The driver runs through a red light. The passenger castigates him/her for doing this. "Don't worry" says the driver, "my relative" (say cousin for want of a better example) called, lets say Michael or Patrick, for a better example, "does this all the time".

This happens a few more times, before the driver hits a green light which they then stop at. "why are you stopping" asks the passenger". "because my cousin may be driving on the other road".

A ludicrous inappropriate joke. But that is what I think when someone decides to say all cyclists run through red lights, whether they be called Michael, Patrick, or whatever.

Great if you discuss, am I being funny or just an assol?

PS I liked the comment about virtual indicators. I fortunately can read the traffic so well I know most people's manoeuvres before they do.

PPS most drivers and cyclists are fine. That incldues white van people, bus drives and taxis.

[stringvest]

Ha ha ha! Also:

Local shopkeeper in navy suzuki super carry van goes WRONG way round Goose green roundabout as its quicker to the shop in Melbourne Grove.

I was approaching Lordship Lane from East Dulwich Grove, got in the left lane to turn left, the van in front stayed on the right and TURNED RIGHT without going round the roundabout into oncoming traffic that sat in disbelief as it headed towards the mind shop ...

[peckham_ryu]

MY SPEED HUMP TERROR

Dulwich dad Mo Yewdown has spoken of his crippling fear of speed humps.

"I don't normally worry about speed," the Porsche Cayenne driver said. "But something about the speed humps on College Road brings me out in a rash. I can't help suddenly braking three yards from the humps, I'm that worried about the suspension om my poor little car."

Local GP's are reporting the condition is increasingly common in the area, but they are reassuring patients that there should be nothing stopping them from accelerating to full speed in between sleeping policemen.

Mr Yewdown confirmed he has been formally diagnosed with a phobia of speed humps, and says he is "slowly getting over it".

[TheArtfulDogger]

is this East Dulwich or Eastborne? Asks Sunny Dee 25

Sunny believes that there has been an influx of older, slower drivers in the area in the last year which he likes to hoot or overtake in his Volvo GTI 4x4 as he cruises down Barry Road at 40 mph.

"It's like the whole of Eastborne has been transported over night to the area" says Sunny, "most of thes drivers are a menace to other road users" he continued "as they dawdle around at 20 miles per hour like its the speed limit init"

Sunny pointed out that they "just get in me way and makes my blood boil" as he drove down the road one handed whilst talking to his mates on his mobile, laughingly he went on with "the other day I had to swerve around a Fiat 500 which almost tipped over with the turbulence created by my car as I cut close to them" he sited as an example of what he calls bad driving "and what's worse is that I constantly see people jumping back onto the pavement not expecting me on the wrong side of the road as I'm forced to overtake the new 20s menace on the road, these slow drivers just make it more dangerous for pedestrians as well as drivers" he raised in support of his argument.

Sunny and all his mates believe that East Dulwich may well becoming the new "God's waiting room" and refused to say anymore as he pulled to a skid in the drive-in on the Old Kent Road before wheel spinning as he pulled away phone in one hand and a bargain bucket in his lap.

[JohnL]

My organisation is like a fine tuned machine says mad old man.