Seeking advise - Im considering being a SAHM!

[Pavilion01]

Hi all,

Im looking for advise, I'm considering leaving my job of many years to be a SAHM. I have 2 young children, the eldest will start reception in September. Im sooooo torn. Right now, I pay all of my income out in childcare (we have a brilliant nursery). We are in a very lucky situation where my husband can pay the mortgage and most of the bill as I barely breakeven.

Financially it would be very tight, but just about do-able - but I would miss out on the comfort of having my own income when the children are at school.

I find balancing work and kids a real struggle on top of no sleep and stressful jobs (both of us are in the city). My husband also travels with work. I really want to be there for my children instead of them only seeing exhausted, stressed out mummy who cant keep on top of anything. I know having young children is hard and I'm not na?ve, staying at home is utterly exhausting too but at least I'm there for my children.

Are there any mums in the same situation that have taken the plunge and given up work for a few years? ;))

[klove]

Hi there, I was in exactly the same situation and it's a really tough decision (and whatever you decide to do, you'll have moments of regret!).

You've probably considered this but how easy would it be to return to work? Are there part time options? Could your other half come back early at least once a week so you don't get all the 'second shift'? (This was the killer for me, coming back at 6 to have an hour and a half of craziness and overtired children!) Also, if you go for it, maybe do something for yourself every week away from the home.

I found the loss of identity a bit of a shock and it really surprised me how much of 'me' was about work. But it's been great really getting to know the kids, pottering around and going to the Horniman one too many times. And you'll have time to spend with your oldest after school and finding out about his/her day which will be fab. New doors also open and you might find yourself doing something completely different in a few years time. Could be exciting!

[omagem]

I can't say I've been through the exact same scenario as you but I gave up my job as a lawyer in the city after having my first child (now 3yrs old) and have been a SAHM since then. I've got a 2yr old, 3yr old and due with my third in the next couple of wks.

I was in the fortunate position where my husbands wages would cover us and fed up with my long working hours when I resigned so it wasn't a huge deliberation for me. Of course there have been times when I've missed work. I can miss talking to adults about things other than my kids. It can be hard when i feel like I lost a bit of 'me', when I feel my brain has turned to mush and the kids drive me up the wall. But I wouldn't change it for the world, I feel lucky that I've been able to spend this time with the kids before they start school. For me it definitely beats being at work and in a few years time when they are all at school I'll go back to work and reclaim that little bit of me.

Good luck, hope it all goes well, whatever decision you make! X

[Pavilion01]

Thank you so much for your replies, it really is so helpful, . KLove, You are so right, either decision will bring moments of regret, there's no right answer, I just need to be brave and make a decision. I think returning to the same role may be difficult after time out but you never know, I might try something different! Omagem, I also have a 3 & 2 year old! Massive best of luck with your 3rd, it'll be great, and they will be such good friends.

x

[Jules-and-Boo]

from my own experience of having to work and the glory of hindsight, life would have been so much easier if I'd swapped nursery / after school club for a childminder who would ensure the kids are home at a good time, eaten, bathed and all chilled.

If you have the luxury of not working at all, I would strongly recommend going for it. Childhood years are short and the more time you have available for your children the better.

There a many people who do other things in their day - you could perhaps look laterally and see aht alternatives are available to you then your current job.

My friend - mother of three young children, one on the spectrum, has stopped working her day job and is homeschooling her children. She has become a successful author and blogger and the voice for a number of child-related companies.

You never know how anything will turn out. But one thing you cannot undo is time lost.

Give it a year or so and find a new job if you find you can't abide not working. Or ask work for a sabbatical. Or reduced hours for a period of time.

Child care is expensive and it doesn't stop when kids are at school.

[klove]

... also wanted to add that my days now are definitely more tiring (veering between frustration and absolute joy within minutes!) but so much simpler. And there is something for simplifying your life if you have the chance. Feel free to pm if you need a pep talk (or the unvarnished truth!).

[Curmudgeon]

I went back to work (high flier) when eldest was 6 months, then stopped to be a SAHM when he was 17 months. Best decision I ever made. I spent the next 7 years being a full time parent to my children. I made great friends with other parents, trained to be a childminder and did that for 1 day a week until I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Got very involved with primary school, became a school governor

Went back to working termtime only when both children were at primary. Husband took them to school I picked them up.

Both now at secondary and I have a completely different career which I have grown to be rather successful in, from an entry level work within hours that suit my life to fairly high level (over the last 8 years)

My life is different than it might have been

I spent 7 years working a tight budget, now we don't really bother too much about money.

But it worked for us. And I don't regret leaving my first career, and I very much enjoy and am grateful for my second

[Strawbs]

I have taken a redundancy at my job and finish up in 6 weeks and plan to be at SAHM to my 5 and 2.5 year old for the foreseeable future. I have a really stressful job and am fed up to the back teeth with only being half present if I'm lucky when I'm with the kids as my phone won't stop and I could tell as my 5 year old was getting older it was impacting him more and more. Anyways I guess what I am saying is if you can make it work financially then make the jump and see how it goes. I have no doubt there will be many moments where they will drive me beyond crazy but I feel in equal measure desperate to immerse myself in their lovely little lives rather than the nanny doing that.

I am sure you will make the right choice xx

[Gooders79]

Last year I took 6 months unpaid leave from work and it provided a really useful opportunity for reflection on where we were and what could/should change to give us some more balance.

We changed to the following;

I drastically reduced my working hours and am now available for school drop offs and pick ups 4 days a week which is great for all of us

We changed from a nursery to nanny for our paid childcare

For me it was important to retain some work from a productivity, financial independence, professional perspective but also I knew I wouldn't get back into my career at the same level with a break, it would take years again work offered me a lot more than money

With respect to childcare a nanny is so much easier than nursery in terms of balancing work and home, coming home to fed children who you can give 100% attention to rather than walking through the door and having to cook them dinner and not worrying about who would take a day off to look after a child with a low grade fever.

I think it's an entirely personal decision and I'm still not sure we've got it right but day to day it's less stressful (although I must say I find it lonely and loss of professional role is also hard) good luck.

[Pavilion01]

Thanks so much everyone, definitely lots to think about. Really appreciate all your responses.

[JAJ]

Double nursery fees are an absolute killer. What I would say is that whether you decide to give up work or not (and it sounds like your mind is already made up!), it get's so much easier once they are all in school. I've seen so many parents 'burn out' by keeping up the same pace career wise as before, only to go completely the other way and throw in the towel later down the line. It will get better, whatever you decide, and good luck with your decision.

[Parkrunner]

If financially you are only just breaking even whilst working right now, there must have been other reasons you returned to work after number two. Don't lose sight of those in your exhaustion as it's a massive shift to not working at all.

Right now is absolutely the toughest stage of parenting - they need you just as much from age 1 to 2 as they did from 0-1, except now you're trying to fit work in too. But in six months or so it will get easier. Giving up work altogether is a pretty big solution to a short-term situation. Are there any in- between steps you can take to make life easier for yourself in the short term? Reduce the number of hours you work rather than stop altogether? Can your husband do more to help on the home front? Or if that's not possible because of his work, can you outsource any of it to someone else, eg. an au pair, so you have an extra pair of hands around the house?

[Pavilion01]

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. This forum is great X

[darren1972]

if u can stay at home with your kids do it as u don't get this time back,,,,but only if u can afford it cos struggling with kids home bills and life can be hard with no money,,,,good luck with whatever u decide

[EDmummy]

Also consider how secure your partner's job is. What would be the effect of your partner losing their job? I went part-time for over 10 years (keeping up training) and now kids are teenagers, have gone back full-time (with flexible terms). Because of the industry I work in I could never have left it completely to return later (technology) and have a great employer (although a little stuck with same employer).