Miscarriage

[Pellmel]

My husband and I lost our first baby after suffering the devastating crash of a miscarriage. It was only afterwards that other friends came forward to say that the same thing had happened to them. Is it still that much of a taboo? Is is better to talk openly about these issues or is it better to keep quiet and try to forget? How do people really cope?

[womanofdulwich]

I don't think it is a taboo as such- it is just a private grief. Some of my freinds that miscarried I know grieve on the EDD for their lost babies- esp the one that miscarried at 18 weeks.

[SteveT]

Every time the baby's birthday comes around it gives the mother grief.

[Sue]

Pellmel Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

Is is

> better to talk openly about these issues or is it

> better to keep quiet and try to forget? How do

> people really cope?

xxxxxxxx

It's probably different for each person. Sometimes maybe counselling might help if people feel the need to talk but don't feel able to talk to friends about it?

Sorry about your loss, Pellmel.

[Smiler]

Hi Pellmel, am sorry you have been through this. I think it can be a taboo and people don't know what to say to the couple (and often say the wrong thing).

Baby and Bump and Mumsnet both have miscarriage sections with lots of women posting, which I found really helpful.

[annaj]

Pellmel, on a personal level, I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you are recovering.

In a broader sense, I think you have raised a really interesting point and I think the lack of response shows that there is a certain amount of discomfort in discussing miscarriage and perhaps even an element of taboo.

As a doctor, I know that miscarriage is increadibly common. Depending on which source your read, 20-50% of first pregancies end in miscarriage and it is said that most, if not almost all, women will have a miscarriage at some point in their lives, although some may not be aware. And yet talking about it really does seem to make people uncomfortable.

Whether it's better to talk about it or not depends on you, I think, what kind of person you are and how you normally process things. If it would help you to talk then do. Talk to your husband, your family and your friends and explain how you feel. I think people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, but if you are able to talk openly about how you feel, you may find that encourages people to be more open in their support.

Good luck.

[Goodliz]

Hi Pellmel

Sorry to hear of your loss. It is a very difficult time especially when it is your first pregnancy.

The subject really is a strange one.

As Annaj says many, many first pregnancies end in miscarriage (mine did too). I did not tell that many people about it because as you say it seems like a bit of a taboo subject. personally I have no problem speaking to anyone that would listen to about it. Not my mum though as i didn't want her asking me about how i was feeling etc.

It was a long time ago now but I can remember feeling very lonely and worried that although I could get pregnant i did not know if I would be able to have a pregnancy go full term.

It is over a month since you posted your message so i hope life is getting better for you and you are feeling stronger and more positive. East Dulwich can be a difficult place to be after having a m/c or just trying to start a family. Everywhere you look there seem to be prams and kids. that got to me a bit when i had my first m/c.

Personally, I find talking about things like this good as other people also share their experiences.

Good luck with everything and i hope you are starting to feel better.

Liz x

[Weegee]

I am sorry to hear about loss. And no its not a taboo subject. Like AnnaJ said its quite common. My mother miscarried and my girlfriends mum also miscarried.

If you want to chat about it then do so to your family and close, good friends that you know. They wont expect you to keep quiet unless you want to.

[OliviaDee]

Hi pellmel, i too am sorry to hear about your loss. i know it can be devastating.

This is only a very very personal opinion but one that i have contemplated for years.

I think that the slightly superstitious maxim that you shouldn't tell anyone you are pregnant till after the three month mark, does much to sustain the taboo that miscarriages shouldn't be talked about. if you end up having to tell your friends and sometimes even your family that you have miscarried even before you got to tell them that you were pregnant, then of course it naturally becomes very difficult for people to know what to say to you and know how to help you. And even more difficult for you to broach the subject or open up a much needed discourse. Very likely, it is harder for people to know how to share in your loss if they have not shared in your joy. of course i understand people adhering to the maxim because the first trimester is the most likely period in which to miscarry, and adherence therefore works for people who know they probably won't want to talk about about miscarriage and who know they will wish to remain private. But i do sometimes think that we get ourselves caught up in that tradition (for want of a better word) without really questioning it and then find it doesn't work for us when it is almost too late. i think this is something that worked in a time when people - women especially - were not supposed to talk about such things - and we have let it carry over. i am not for one minute saying that this is what you did - or assuming this to be anything approximating your circumstances - but i too would like to see the taboo lifted off talking about miscarriages and i think this is worth considering.

i see it is quite some time since you posted and i really hope things are looking good for you and your partner now.

X

[vinceayre]

Pellmel,

Well done to you. It takes courage to bring up such a personal and private loss as you have done. To lose someone, be it your unborn child or your 90 year old granny is a loss either way and the pain is still as real. Grieving is a precess and whether it takes a month a year or a decade it is your personal process. To speak openly and simply as you have on such a loss is not only going to help you but i can assure it will help many others as well.

[acumenman]

A lady who lived nearby when we were having babies lost hers quite late in the pregnancy, and therefore dropped out of the clique.

No one wanted to see her or talk to her when you are pushing your baby and she having lost hers, it was too embarassing to contemplate, what can you say to the grieving lady, sorry to hear of your loss.

Anything you could think up to say just seemed so inadequate and futile.

[ClareC]

My ex MIL lost 2 babies, one was stillborn at full term, the other a cot death. She never really spoke of the babies she lost or how awful that was to deal with but she did say how people avoided her and didnt get in contact and how hurtful it was to be avoided / ignored by friends and neighbours/. It made her feel as though she had done soemthing wrong / was somehow to blame and made a terrible tragedy worse.

Although it may be awkward and difficult knowing what to say to people that suffer this loss, it is far worse to avoid them / avoid speaking with them.

[louisiana]

Perhaps the worst (for me) was having some "husband" telling me "how clever" his wife was was having reached eight months, after I'd had two miscarriages myself. How clever?

Terribly common, and yes, it's not what people talk about, except to discuss their "successes".

[zeban]

God that's awful Louisiana, I honestly don't understand what is wrong with people sometimes

[louisiana]

zeban, the language did not strike me as the most appropriate. Cleverness really doesn't come into it, eh?

[Moos]

It seems sadly true that people often shun others in their grief: surely the worst possible reaction.

After my father died, very few of my friends contacted me to commiserate. I was terribly upset, and later several of them confessed to saying nothing rather than 'saying the wrong thing'. I'd have thought that almost anything would be better than nothing.

My utmost sympathy to all those who suffer the sadness of miscarriage.

[Goodliz]

Personally I find it very easy to talk about my miscarriages and the only reason I do not do it so much is because I can see other people are uncomfortable with the subject.

Everyone's experiences are different and I may not find it so easy if I had been trying and trying for years to have a baby.

I recently got pregnant again but had a miscarriage at 7/ 8 weeks (in November). Although I feel sad about what happened and it was physically very painful and draining (especially as i teach exercise for a living) I can speak easily about it. Sometimes I feel I need to keep my mouth shout because it is something not talked about.

Not sure what I am trying to say here really. I suppose it is that some people can talk about it and some people cannot due to how they are feeling about their loss.

If someone asks me whether I am going to have another child I just say 'I had a miscarriage recently'. I am not suggesting that everyone says that but the frank response works for me. Usually it ends up with the other person talking about their/ or their partners experiences too.

louisiana, it must have been awful to hear the comment from the man you mentioned. I've heard from a few people that some people are very flippant, tactless and thoughtless with their remarks.

[fyvum]

I've heard from a few people that some people are very flippant, tactless and thoughtless with their remarks.

wrote Goodliz

That is why no one wants to get involved for fear of saying the wrong thing and possibly hurting the already 'raw' individual.........

[Asset]

I had three miscarriages between my first and second child, hence there is quite a big gap between them. When people ask why I have such a big gap I tell them. I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable - after all, they asked, but I can tell it does make them feel uncomfortable. I'm all for being fairly open about such things but most people aren't.

I recently met someone who had a hole in his throat (covered by a sort of plaster) and I asked him if it was a tracheotomy, turned out it had been throat cancer but he was quite surprised as he said most people don't mention it at all!

[Keef]

It's only when it happens that suddenly you start to hear about lots of other people having had them.

In my experience, people don't know what to say, so they say nothing, almost like they feel it could be catching. What you really don't want is for other pregnant "friends" to constantly go on about how great things are going, and posting their fucking scan pics on facebook!!! (Sorry, real gripe of mine).