Theft in University

[Narnia]

dulwichmum Wrote:

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> Lovely Narnia,

>

> I wonder who "The Master" is. Has your son told

> you that someone is up in front of "The Master"?

> I don't ever remember any such title being used in

> halls at any uni I attended in London. In my

> experience The Deans or academics do not get

> involved with issues such as this and the

> caretaker has no clout at all. Food going missing

> from halls is sadly very common. The current

> state of play at every university in the UK means

> that people are far more concerned with keeping

> their jobs and generating research income than

> becoming involved in student politics in halls.

I've had an email from the very Master herself today DM so she does exist. I've also had one from the Union and a Facebook message from the student President of his college. It appears security has been upped and never in history has this amount of thieving ever occured (except perhaps for Cromwell). However I still await a reply from the one who counts. Can't remember his title but he's ignoring emails currently.

[TillieTrotter]

Dearest Narnia, as a mother of a daughter just gone back yesterday (boohoo) for her final year. Please don't worry too much, they are more resourceful (sp....after a few glasses of red) than we realise. It will all wash out honestly. I've watched and listened to sooooooo many complaints from mine but they are best left to get on with it. Life skills!!

[Narnia]

Thanks TT. The trouble is mine was hardly complaining. I'm trying to teach him TO complain and not be a victim.

[TillieTrotter]

I sort of remember what you're saying but believe me....don't encourage him to moan as he will learn how to do that all by himself. They are our babies and it's really hard to let them deal with stuff on their own but they do....really. Mine is quite scary now, she makes me feel like the kid!

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Has 'Mistress' left the English lexicon?

[Narnia]

Presumably it has in a similar way that actress has, apart from the odd pub of that name.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

*shudders*

[Huguenot]

I remember the first weeks at Uni, and one of the things I do remember was that a few guys had a lot of atttention from their family whilst they were trying to find their footing.

The irony was that rather than proving supportive, it often cause exquisite embarrassment and had a completely unintended side-effect of damaging their social development.

I think it may be wise to hold back for the moment.

Sometimes parents want to be there for their kids as a way of communicating their love and support. Psychiatrists find that the effect is quite the opposite - it actually has an adverse effect on the child's confidence and self-esteem.

It's almost as if the parents are sending an unconscious message to the child that they are incapable and incompetent of looking after themselves (this may be reflected in your desire to teach him how to complain). In the highly sensitive environment of a university Fresher term, it may also communicate your doubts to their acquaintances - and this may put them off developing mutual friendship.

It creates a vicious circle, because it sets up the child's expectations of failure, which undermines success, and prompts the parents to commit even more attention.

The recommended approach is to offer quality listening time and positive reinforcement but to delay intervention as much as is reasonable.

I've attached an interesting questionnaire used by teams investigating this phenomenon, and the belief of the researchers is that 'optimal' parenting delivers high 'care' but low 'protection'.

It's possible that your correspondence across the senior levels at the university is an unmitigated disaster for little-Narnia...

Have a look through the questionnaire, and see if it has relevance?

[RosieH]

You make an interesting point Huguenot. When I first came to uni in London, my mum drove me down from t'north. She was all concern and I was desperate to get on and meet new people, but she'd driven me a long way and wanted to stay all day and take me for dinner and I couldn't really bring myself to say no - even though I knew it was more for her than it was for me, and in all honesty, I was mortified at being the only person on campus whose mum was hanging around.

The result was that while all the cool kids were meeting each other and finding out where the bar was, I was stuck with my mum and so the only friends I had for the first couple of weeks were my terribly boring immediate neighbours in halls. People actually commented that I was the one who'd brought my mum with me to uni.

I got away from that moniker in my own time, but I would caution against over-protectiveness - one of the most valuable things you can learn at uni is how to fend for yourself (with, obviously, free laundry services at home).

[womanofdulwich]

Thankyou Rosie- at timely reminder for me. I will make the flapjacks for him and leave him to hopefully share them.

[Mick Mac]

Different ages of children - but this is developing into another Schonrock debate. Over protective parents stunt their children's development.

Expect the Daily Mail at your door any day now Declan.

[Narnia]

Thanks Mick, I'll look out for them. They may want to know why I let him cycle to Canterbury.

[Narnia]

Huguenot Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I remember the first weeks at Uni, and one of the

> things I do remember was that a few guys had a lot

> of atttention from their family whilst they were

> trying to find their footing.

>

> The irony was that rather than proving supportive,

> it often cause exquisite embarrassment and had a

> completely unintended side-effect of damaging

> their social development.

>

> I think it may be wise to hold back for the

> moment.

>

> Sometimes parents want to be there for their kids

> as a way of communicating their love and support.

> Psychiatrists find that the effect is quite the

> opposite - it actually has an adverse effect on

> the child's confidence and self-esteem.

>

> It's almost as if the parents are sending an

> unconscious message to the child that they are

> incapable and incompetent of looking after

> themselves (this may be reflected in your desire

> to teach him how to complain). In the highly

> sensitive environment of a university Fresher

> term, it may also communicate your doubts to their

> acquaintances - and this may put them off

> developing mutual friendship.

>

> It creates a vicious circle, because it sets up

> the child's expectations of failure, which

> undermines success, and prompts the parents to

> commit even more attention.

>

> The recommended approach is to offer quality

> listening time and positive reinforcement but to

> delay intervention as much as is reasonable.

>

> I've attached an interesting questionnaire used by

> teams investigating this phenomenon, and the

> belief of the researchers is that 'optimal'

> parenting delivers high 'care' but low

> 'protection'.

>

> It's possible that your correspondence across the

> senior levels at the university is an unmitigated

> disaster for little-Narnia...

>

> Have a look through the questionnaire, and see if

> it has relevance?

Hugenot, I find your post to be both a useful reminder not to interfere too much but also your 2nd last sentence to be unnecessarily hurtful. Little Narnia or Sprogg as I referred to him in this thread was delivered to Uni with the minimum of fuss and I ensured we got out of there as quickly as possible. On the way there I reminded his mum that some birds are taught how to fly by being dumped out of the nest, which gives them no option.

My interference with regard to thieving was due to the fact that the students themselves were getting nowhere in trying to report it. No one was ever there to see them. Where possible I did it anonymously by simply referring to myself as a concerned parent. Sprogg had other things on his mind like how to cook for himself and finding his way around campus which is very big. Apart from going out and partying each night. His 'kitchen', off their own backs went to the other kitchens in the vicinity to discuss what might be done about it.

Since then the only communication has been from him asking about buying books etc. He is being left to his own devices and I think is enjoying it so. He will not be enjoying what Mick Mac benifitted from by having meat supplies delivered to him each week-end by his Mum. Is Mick suffering because of this now? I doubt it very much.

If I was the type of parent you appear to suggest I am then I would hardly have allowed him to visit friends he had never met except on the internet, in Austria, Holland and Denmark. All these trips went well and helped him to grow up.

Are you a parent?

Edited due to some appaling English

[Huguenot]

I'm not trying to cast aspersions on your parenting skills Narnia, I'm sorry you took it as such. I was just reviewing my personal experiences.

I was a fiercely independent middle child. My younger sister on the other hand was much more sensitive, and from an early age was very much over-protected. With my pop as a headmaster in the state system, and mom a head of department in the private sector she was also subject to internal family wrangling on anything and everything to do with education.

I was compelled to change university course myself and 'disappear' for 18 months abroad when I realized I was effectively trying to meet other people's demands.

My parent's separation just as my sister went to uni compounded all of these issues. With both parents trying to prove their value, my sister was very much the victim in the situation I describe above. I wonder frequently if the consequences of that don't continue to manifest themselves to the present day.

[Mick Mac]

Huguenot Wrote:

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>

> I was a fiercely independent middle child.

Me too.

Do you think anyone can tell :)

[womanofdulwich]

yes but are you a parent Huguenot? that is the question.

[Huguenot]

Well I didn't think it was a question that was relevant to my view and I didn't want to cloud the issue.

My point was about the impact of protective parenting on a child, from the perspective of the child.

Had I made a point about the motivations and perspective of the parent, it would be quite right to ask me upon what experience I was drawing those conclusions.

If you would like to make a point about the pressures of parenting, I will be sure if I comment upon it I'll furnish you with my credentials as a parent to support the view. :)

[Narnia]

There is no reason not to share your perspective having being a child yourself. Believe it or not there was a time when young Sprogg complained about over-protectiveness long after the event occured. When he was a young child he was forbidden to cross the road by himself.I mean young. Of course he broke this rule and I even witnessed him nearly being hit by a car. Years later when we wanted him to go out and he was hooked to his online games he said he didn't go out because of how we treated him when he was younger. He actually didn't really want to go out as everything at that time that he required was in his room.

As for Sprogg contacting the correct authorities, he had a better idea when he about 7 than he does now, as one one occasion he walked out in his slippers to report me to the police (we live near the station) and on another occasion he got out the yellow pages to look for a number for the prevention of cruelty to children people. Needless to say he was untied at the time.

[annaj]

Well answered, Huguenot.

But also, WOD and Narnia, "are you a parent?" in this sort of context is possibly the most pointless, irritating and superior questions you can ask.

Empathy is a powerful human emotion and communication tool. It allows us to use what experience we do have, along with our imagination and understanding of situations, to see another persons perspective and identify with how they might feel, even if we have never experienced what they have.

No-one can ever really know what another person feels or experiences, but it doesn't render our opinions on situations outside our direct experience invalid.

[Narnia]

From my quote of H's post I would have thought that answered your patronising statement.

[annaj]

We crossed posted, so your post quoting Huguenot wasn't there when I wrote that.

And what about me saying that I find the question "are you a parent?" irritating, pointless and superior is patronising?

[Mick Mac]

but he was not asking you anna.

[annaj]

So, I'm only allowed to comment on questions directly aimed at me?

Sorry, I'm a bit out of touch, must've have missed the new rules.

[Narnia]

I asked H if he was a parent as I was curious. You get up on some high horse which I can only put down to the fact that this was a written question and you wouldn't have grasped if there was any 'tone' to it, and say it's irritating, pointless and superior. You can comment on what you like as I don't know of any new rules but put a bit of thought into it. Are you a parent annaj?

[annaj]

Narnia, I'm sorry if I misread your intention with the question and I'm sorry you found my post patronising, but I find the question patronising.

The only reason I posted at all was that I thought Huguenot's post was one of the most considered and helpful on the thread, with a mix of personal experience and interesting research, and it seemed a shame, to me, that it was met with the trite response "Are you a parent?"

I'm sorry you son is having trouble in his first few weeks away and I hope you find a solution that suits you both soon.

And, no, I'm not.