Tips on nursery settling

[Moos]

Helpful advice needed, please!

Our excellent shared nanny will be leaving us soon to start a family of her own. We have decided to put our 3 yo son into nursery part-time once she leaves, as we believe he will be happy in an environment with lots of other children: he's a gregarious and confident little boy.

This is week 2 of the settling-in period, and it's not going well. Of course, we expected that there would be difficulties as toddlers don't like change, but I would love to get advice from other parents on whether there's anything we can do to make it easier for him. He says he doesn't want to go while he's at home, often saying 'But I'll be all on my own', and is becoming increasingly tearful and clingy when his nanny drops him off. The staff report that he is OK while he's there once they've calmed and distracted him.

I thought I'd got over the overly-anxious phase of being a mother, but I'm finding it very difficult to accept on an emotional level that there isn't something we can do to soothe his fears and make this easier for him. I still believe that at his age and given his character, part-time nursery is a good choice for him and he'll have fun once he's settled in. But at the moment, it's breaking my heart.

[Mellors]

Oh, I have so much sympathy. I took my nearly 3 year old son to nursery for the first time last year (having always had a nanny or mummy) and went through exactly the same, it was quite heartbreaking.

I haven't got much advice I'm afraid other than stick with it, and it will get better I promise. A good nursery will be well used to this and very gentle with him when he starts. I am sure he really does settle down once the nanny has gone.

Our settling in period lasted a good few weeks - maybe 4/6 as I recall. Its not somthing that happened overnight, biut once he had got the hang of it and made some friends he was away.

We're a few months in now and I get asked every morning "Is this a nursery day?" with disappointment if its not lol! Mummy is way more boring than nursery.

Not much use, but I wanted to let you know that its normal, and that it will all be ok in a while. x

[Moos]

Thanks Mellors, much appreciated. Useful to know it may take a few weeks and good to hear your son has now happily settled. We're a bit of a gloomy household at the moment!

[Smiler]

Oh dear, is really hard isn't it, hope he settles down soon and starts to enjoy himself.

Not sure what to suggest. We have found that having a good "key worker" (who is in for all or at least most of the time our daughter is at nursery) has helped.

Our daughter has been in nursery for over a year and has only ever been resigned to it rather than keen, though she goes in without complaint, but she is a lot younger.

[Fuschia]

I think by age 3 their reluctance isn't really distress, because they do understand what's happening and you will be collecting them soon. I think in part they sometimes just object to the idea of nursery... my son wa svery strong willed and cried for a few months (attending Puddleduck 1 day per week) and then made a fuss almost every day of the first term in the school nursery class as well.

In the end I left Mr F to drop him off, it was always much much worse when it was me he had to say goodbye to. There's still an element of that now, he's 7... if he twigs I am working at home he comes up with all sorts of tummy aches and ailments and excuses stay off school...

I found while an nursery/minder at aged 3ish he seemed happier if he got to take a toy with him

[charlottep]

Moos, we're currently settling in my son to his nursery. We're in week 3 this week and it seems to have clicked all of a sudden. You're probably doing all of this but this is what I've found has worked so far:

I tell him he's going to nursery as soon as he wakes up, i try not to spring it on him. This can make the whole getting ready in the morning bit a lot harder but it also gives us a chance to talk through some of his concerns and ensures that there are no surprises.

When we arrive at nursery and the real tears start i try not to cuddle him too much or show my concern (this is really hard to do as i just want to scoop him up in my arms) so as not to fuel his anxiety.

Before I leave him, I always say goodbye (no sneaking off) and i talk about what we're going to do later once i've picked him up and we're back home - just so that he knows for sure that I'm coming back. I always try to leave him with some firm arrangement in place, e.g. i tell him that i'll need his help to bath his little sister later, or that we will watch his fav episode of fireman sam.

I'm not sure if any of this has made a real difference and i'm sure it's stuff you're doing anyway. I think it's probably mainly about sitting it out and for us, after a truly appalling start, it is improving significantly. I hope it does for you too and I'm sure it will.

[marscapone]

My son started nursery at 1, and has had a few periods over the next year or two where it was difficult to leave him. A couple of things that helped us were:

having one of the staff welcome him in and make him feel special - big hello, cuddle etc

having a favourite toy that he picked up the minute he arrived (the staff allowed him to keep it in his pigion hole permanently as he got such an attachment to it)

reminding myself that he would stop crying not long after i had left and did enjoy the rest of the day

It's hard now I know but your son (and you) will get there sooner than you think...

[Belle]

Moos, I hope you don't mind me resurrecting this thread - we are going through this at the moment with my 2 year old and I'm looking for advice (though I've already taken lots of reassurance from the posts above). My little boy is only doing 2 mornings a week at a nursery school, so I'm feeling doubly guilty as th is is meant to be 'for him' really. He apparently settles once I'm gone and certainly seems happy (though keen to see me) when I pick him up. We had an easy first week and then it seemed to sink in it was a permanent arrangement, and now he just clings, and screams when I move off. The staff do everything they can - distraction, reassurance, make a fuss of him when he arrives etc. I hadn't thought of letting him take a toy, but might try that.

I've noticed on this thread and elsewhere that the recommendation is not to sneak off. My problem is that the minute I start referring to leaving, no matter with what caveats, he starts to yell. Sneaking off isn't much better as that just results in slightly delayed yelling. I've kind of settled on a compromise where I tell him what's happening whilst I'm still with him, but not literally as I leave, if that makes sense. Anyway - any other tips or anyone going through the same thing at the moment??

[melbourne groover]

I am just settling my son into two mornings a week also. I have been finding the best method for us, is for me to read him a few books when we first get there, then engage him in some play but step back just standing on the sidelines and then just go when he is settled. This does seem to be the most painless way for both of us!

Also, second time round have seen enough children settle 2 mins after the parent goes to feel that any tears won't last that long (obviously this is child dependent)...

He will get there soon, but it is a bit grim leaving a crying child so hope it smooths out super quickly!

[canadianlisa]

Thanks for resurrecting this Belle, lots of helpful tips. I hope it works out soon for everyones little ones.

Was wondering if anyone had any tips or thoughts about settling toddlers into a sleep routine at nursery?

We are month and a half into settling my 16 month old into nursery. We had good luck in terms of pickups and drops but have really struggled with her having a sleep while she is there. Basically some days she is having either no nap all day or only 40 minutes. She sleeps relatively well at home from 12- 2 and then 7:30 - 6:30 /7 at night, for the most part. The problem is on her nursery days she is in a terrible mood when she gets home as well as in the late afternoon. She attends Monday- Wed full time, and on Thursday she is also not great as I think the lack of sleep catches up with her after a while. She has her comfort things (blanket, comforter, dummy) at nursery and I have spoken to them about making sure she has some quiet time after lunch before nap but it seems very unpredictable. They assure me the room is relatively quiet and dark. Do you think that it is just something that will work itself out? Or are there children who are ok with this little sleep? It is worrying me but not sure what to do. As a whole we are happy with the nursery and don't want to move her. Any ideas? Thanks so much.

[helibell]

had problems settling my daughter (14 months) back at nursery after christmas break - v. agitated, crying, not eating, drinking, gernally v unhappy. was feeling terrible & v guilty, unable to concentrate at work. Arrnaged meeting with centre manager & key worker & thanks to their excellent suggestions she is now much happier, doesn't cry any more:

1 2 days a week seems to be the ultimate unsettlign nursery pattern for children - too long between visits, too short a time at nursrey (daughter is now 3 days a week - counter-intuitive but it works)

2 See if nursery will let you take your child every day for a week for a short day to get used to the routine a bit better (again counter-intuitive, but worked)

3 take a small bag of your child's favourite toys, books, even some of your things - to make a little corner of home at nursery

[susyp]

I also would really appreciate some advice on this point.

I am hoping helibell's advice on more days rather than less works as that is to be my strategy when my daughter starts in September at pre school (she is 3 in July). I am going to start her 5 days a week to get her settled and used to the routine quicker. But I am already dreading it. I started her at another preschool for 2 year olds last September and had to take her out after 2 weeks. She was going 2 days a week so only went 4 times. The first week she was fine and happy to say goodbye as we had talked about it / read books etc and she is a very sociable little girl. The second week she cried when I dropped her off and when I picked her up. But what made me take her out was her changed behaviour with other children. She did go through a pushing stage and is still often a bit rough with other children but always in good spirit - when she started nursery all of a sudden it was as if she saw other children as real threat. We went to the playground one day and she pushed over a load of little babies -then screamed blue murder at some children who were standing near her pushchair. It really shocked me as she had always run up wanting to play with other children - hence why i tried to start her at 2. She also started having bad dreams about other children snatching. I spoke to the nursery and they said that she did cry a lot at nursery (not like her and not what they had told me ) but they saw it as her not liking the transition points and had a plan to deal with it.

To be honest I never felt that comfortable with this particular nursery and I didn't like her key worker (who I met on her first day but had to seek out) but a church nursery I did really like took them from 2 years 3 months but I wasn't guaranteed a place (and she didn't get one). In the one I tried I felt that they didnt watch the children enough and even when we went to look around my daughter got in a fight! Whereas the one I liked she played really nicely when we went to see it - I think as most of the children were 3 year olds .

I have applied to some school nurseries but may not get a place - but I think I am going to go with the Church nursery I initially liked as I have now spoken to the manager there 3 times and each time she is really nice. And when we went to see it it took ages to talk to her as all the children kept coming up to her and she gave them her time and I really liked that. I feel that I may need a bit of extra support as I have had to fight breast cancer while my daughter has been little and I think have big anxiety issues over leaving her. It was hell last September. Another reason why I took her out - I couldn't cope with the worry. But I am also desperate for some time to myself to do some exercise etc and get fit again. So I am hoping the fact I trust this particular manager will help and I can go and have a private chat with her before my daughter starts and then just take her advice on it all. Arg. But then I worry that I should send her to a school nursery as she will make friends and then be settled for 8 years. I just didn't like them as much as places and feel that I wouldn't be able to have these anxious conversations one to one nor have as much trust .

It is good to hear from everyone that this is normal but it's also so awful as you feel that you are betraying your child by leaving them crying. Or I do. Hoping that at least if I totally trust the staff it will go better. As obviously my daughter picks up on my emotions esp as I am full time Mum.

sorry to post such a long message this is a big source of worry for me

susypx

[knackered cow]

I had the same problem with my son.

In the first couple of weeks we had a few playdates with a couple of boys the same age at the nursery so I think this might have helped. We didn't know anybody else with children at the nursery so I asked the nursery staff if I could leave my contact details with some other Mums (especially Mums of the more confident children). After a couple of weeks my son was running into nursery without looking back!

Best of luck...

[Emily]

I'd say, if you don't need to send them, and they hate it, don't send them. One of my children was not at all ready for nursery at two and even three, another was more than ready, another was OK.

[Emily]

Also,it could be the wrong nursery for them.

[Belle]

Of course I'll take him out if I think he hates it - but my point was more that everything points to him enjoying it while he's there, it's just the act of leaving him which he finds difficult. I'm happy with the nursery (though as I say, not averse to ending the arrangement if I feel he doesn't settle), and feel they're making a big effort to help him settle. Yesterday, I hung around outside to listen when I left and he was fine within seconds, and was v happily playing when I picked him up. I also see evidence through his little book of what he's been doing etc. So my question was really - is this a normal adjustment phase, and if so, how can I ease it? And thanks v much for lots of useful ideas here. Hadn't thought of the more/shorter days idea, it does make sense.

KnackeredCow (feels a bit rude addressing someone as this!), thanks for your tips - I think that's a great idea re having friends there. He is lucky that on one of the days he has a friend there he's known since birth, she is older and v kindly looks out for him. But yes, perhaps I cd seek out some playdates with children from the other day.

[regalia]

Deliver your child to a friend's house so that they are company for each other and can travel to the nursery and enter the nursery together preferably hand in hand.

This way they face the nursery together.