Post natal depression or just a stressful time?

[gwod]

Prior to having my children, I had clear expectations of how I would raise them and of my career path, but you are never prepared for how you will feel about your self and your babies until they arrive, and the reality is so different. For me a period of life recalibration became necessary. Finding that having/doing it all makes us miserable can be a sign that we have to prioritise and just do the things which are absolutely necessary to our happiness.

I wonder if you and your husband should talking to someone to help you work out a work/life balance that suits you all, and helps you express your expectations (of your selves and of your partner) to each other. Potentially this could be a fantastic turning point in your life where you both get to take control of your destinies and get the lives you want for your whole family- its the figuring out what you want thats the hard bit!

Best of luck, you sound smart and loving - find a way to get some more sleep you'll have all the tools you need to work your way through this.

[fairylamb]

Yorkie I am in a very similar position OH got made redundant while I was on maternity leave last October and I went back to work full-time in January when my son was 7 months old while he does the stay-at-home Dad thing (although to be fair to him this does include renovating our house). And yep I feel horribly and wretchedly resentful that it is him at home not me. It's awful being ousted from you position as chief carer (this doesn't happen if your child goes to a childminder/nursery) and I worry that he'll become no. 1 in our son's life not me. I also sometimes feel that he should be more unreservedly grateful that I have such breadwinning capabilities. He can stay at home as long he wants the lucky bugger that?s not an option for me. It sucks, sucks, sucks. Please feel free to PM me and let all those feelings out any time you want also very happy to meet for a coffee and discuss coping strategies/stress levels. Mine are definitely rising in this gorgeous weather!

[littleEDfamily]

I agree with gwod wholeheartedly. The adjustment to having children does not happen in the first few months - I reckon it takes a good 2-3 years to get really comfortable with the kind of mother you are, figure out the work vs not work thing and generally, as gwod says, recalibrate.

In the meantime, it's entirely possible that you end up suffering from some bouts of depression along the way. I definitely did. Or rather I just felt I was losing the plot (is it the same thing - who knows?). Although I never ended up seeing anyone, I probably could have got through those rough periods faster had I had some help.

I did a dissertation on career/ family attitudes of women, and the research indicates that no matter how far the feminist cause has advanced us and how much male/ female roles and attitudes have changed, for most women, after having children they identify more strongly with their domestic role than their professional role (the inverse is true for the vast majority of men). So it makes sense that when the traditional roles are reversed, it is likely to produce considerable anxiety for both parties (obv there are exceptions) and the need to work harder to find the right balance for all parties (baby included).

Good luck - you will find your path!

gwod Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Prior to having my children, I had clear

> expectations of how I would raise them and of my

> career path, but you are never prepared for how

> you will feel about your self and your babies

> until they arrive, and the reality is so

> different. For me a period of life recalibration

> became necessary. Finding that having/doing it all

> makes us miserable can be a sign that we have to

> prioritise and just do the things which are

> absolutely necessary to our happiness.

>

> I wonder if you and your husband should talking to

> someone to help you work out a work/life balance

> that suits you all, and helps you express your

> expectations (of your selves and of your partner)

> to each other. Potentially this could be a

> fantastic turning point in your life where you

> both get to take control of your destinies and get

> the lives you want for your whole family- its the

> figuring out what you want thats the hard bit!

>

> Best of luck, you sound smart and loving - find a

> way to get some more sleep you'll have all the

> tools you need to work your way through this.

[anjalenka]

Dear All, and especially Yorkie

I was looking for a cleaner, and I stumbled upon this thread. I do wonder if we should organise a "TMTM" (Tired Mums Together Morning)!

My heart goes out to you, and all the brilliant Mums that are struggling with the juggling act of balancing work, home, babies and relationships. I have 2 daughters, 14 months apart. Due to many factors, moving over here from West London, loosing my support network of fellow Mums, planning a return to work after 2 lots of maternity leave back to back, carefully sourced childcare falling apart at the last moment... I fell into a behaviour patter similar to yours, getting very angry and lashing our at my partner. Poor thing, he tries, but no he doesn't hoover in the corners, and he doesn't remember to put out the recycling, he leaves bits of spinach on the kitchen counter after he's wiped up. And after a day of him doing the childcare, well, let's just say many things are not as I feel they should be!

But I realised, I wasn't coping, and I was getting very down, the blackhole was starting to engulf me. There were moments when I was so tired, even the smiles of my beautiful babies didn't lift my mood. I struggled alone, until my sister said perhaps I should visit the doctor. My nature has always been quite sentitive and highly strung, and I think she could recognise that I wasn't quite right. Seeing the doctor was a huge release, I cried, alot, and for the first time, someone said words that helped. "No wonder you are feeling down, you have alot on your plate!" I should also mention my eldest daughter was developing a squint, and we were up and down to Moorfields eye hospital.

I had several discussions with the doctor, and in the end I decided to try taking an anti depressent, along with having a course of councelling. This wasn't post natal depression, but it was a form of depression that arose due to living through a very stressful time. Taking the anti depressents wasn't something that I wanted to do, I was scared. But it got to the point where I was relieved to be getting some help, and I am delighted to say that they are really working for me.

I have felt much more wonderful since then. Life still has its ups and downs. I still get really tired, and I still feel that the balance of who does what in our relationship is off kilter! There are still times where I could explode, but I have a calmer way of dealing with those emotions.

I don't suggest for one minute that anyone should take anti depressants willy nilly, but in some cases, they can certainly help one through very dark patch.

Good luch and well done to us all! x