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Put a contact lens in left eye.

Put the other contact lens in (SAME eye, as forgot one was already in that eye).

Noticed that eyesight was blurred in that eye so took contact lens out.

Realised that I could now see out of left eye perfectly, astonished that it's happened overnight.

Called optician to say my eyesight is cured.

She said where's the other contact lens ?

Looked all over sink/floor, no luck.

Found it in my left eye.

Was given some free cosmetic samples which I left on my bedside table.

Got up in the dark to use the facilities in the middle of the night. Before getting back into bed reached to put some of the moisturising cream from one of the samples round my dry lips and chin. Fell asleep thinking..'mmmm, that smells like something I recognise'...

Woke up the next morning to read 'fake tanning lotion' on the used sample...

Spent entire, VERY hungover, day growling at work colleagues who kept staring at me - I finally blew my top at about 5pm shouting "what's the matter with everyone, why are you all staring at me, have I got two heads or something?" My boss then ventured, in a very timid voice "you've got your dress on inside out"... Apparently no-one had been brave enough to tell me, even though said dress had laundry labels on show and sewn in shoulder pads which resembled upturned foam rubber cups.....

my mother had Alzheimers in her latter years, but she still kept her sense of humour. I needed to know more about this condition so I borrowed a book from the library, I forgot to take it back on the due date, so I renewed it, (as i found it interesting) getting a funny look from the librarian as she handed it back to me, and the second due date came and went and i hadn't finished with it, so renewed it again, when I remembered about 2 week later, getting an even funnier look from the librarian, I think you can only renew a book about 5 times and then they want it back, on the 5th occasion I'd forgotten where I'd put it, and I totted up a load of fines. PAID!


edit: you are allowed to roll around laughing at this, I don't mind, I love the sound of genuine laughter. I laugh at myself occasionally. I felt this was a funny story to tell you. I hope it hasn't upset anyone.

The only time I've had trouble with the library machines was when I was trying to return a book and the system reported an illegal action. Tried backtracking. Same result. Tried a totally fresh start. Ditto. So I decided to give up and report the defective system to an assistant. I had a quick look at the book first, to see if maybe it had lost its RFID tag. I think it was then that I noticed its title, Illegal Action. I'd recently read it too.
I didn't borrow a book from the library in 1998 and they insisted I had and even after we moved house and cleared EVERYTHING out the book had not turned up.....I was beginning to doubt my own sanity but it was a book I would never have borrowed in the first place, and my card had never left my possession... and they just stood there and said 'computer says you had the book, you must pay ?7.00'. Never been back since...

A friend of mine went to the Rugby sevens at Twickers some years ago. As was tradition they enjoyed the hospitality and each following year there was a prize for the stupidest/most drunken/forgetful behaviour at the previous event.


One year it was won in perpetuity by an attendee who upon arriving back at his local railway station on the last train from Waterloo decided that it would take too long to call a taxi and would be a good idea to drive home as he felt the effects had worn off by then.


He duly did and remembered to press the blipper which opened their fancy new garage doors that both they and their next door neighbours had had installed by the same supplier in their adjacent properties.


Next morning his wife wants to take the Volvo to go to church. Goes into the garage where said Volvo is kept and discovers it is no longer there.


Rouses slumbering husband who distinctly remembers parking the car as he had used the new remote control gizmo which was hung up on a hook in the hallway. Police called. Crime number obtained, insurance claim made. New Volvo duly arrives.


Some months later, next door neighbour returns from their Summer holiday home in Spain or Florida or wherever it was, ask for the remote control that next door had retained for safe keeping, after a bit of rummaging original can't be found so they are presented with the back up key to open their garage. Which they do: to behold our Rugby loving friends' original Volvo.


He?d taken the wrong blipper, opened the wrong garage door and parked his car in the wrong house, in his confused state simply shut the door and staggered to his own front door and gone to bed. Remote control to wrong house remained in his Rugby club blazer hung up in the wardrobe pending next year's visit to the home of Rugby Union.


This may well be an apocryphal shaggy dog story but it?s a helluva tale nonetheless.


I once spent a fruitless and annoying ten minutes becoming aggravated that my remote control would not open the doors of my fancy new Japanese Sports car. Guy comes out of clubhouse. Opens doors. Points out this is his identical Japanese Sports car and that he had been amused watching my lights going on and off at the other end of the car park for the last ten minutes....

  • 5 months later...

Watering a large thistle thinking it was an echinops.

Looking out the front window to see if its raining out the front, as it was raining at the back.

Spraying underarms with hairspray.

Put a clean cup in fridge instead of cupboard.


FORGOT I HAD PUT LIMESCALE REMOVER IN LOO AND THEN ADDED BLEACH - THE FUMES WERE TOXIC !!!

Gave my friend use the "reserved for spider catching glass".

Thought there was a weirdy person looking in the window, it was my reflection !!


Never mind .....

Loz, maybe you need some kind of "on board" announcement to remind you what day it is. You know the kind of thing they have on trains so you don't forget your brolly?.....oh, hang on a mo...




Loz Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Bad Monday. Me, on the phone today to a customer.

> Customer very confused when I said he'd get

> delivery early next week.

>

> Suddenly realised it was not Friday.

stringvest Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------


> FORGOT I HAD PUT LIMESCALE REMOVER IN LOO AND THEN

> ADDED BLEACH - THE FUMES WERE TOXIC !!!



Mixing cleaning products - really bad - I seem to get away with this

regularly. I suspect one day I'll get a reaction (chemical).

I leave a suit at work and always get changed when I arrive.


This morning I took my jeans off, folded them neatly on the loo seat ready to take my suit trousers from the hanger (with the intention of hanging my jeans in their place) and proceeded to just my jeans back on instead. I didn't even notice until I was putting my work shoes on.

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  • Latest Discussions

    • maybe u should speak to some of the kids parents who are constantly mugged who can’t get a police officer to investigate and tell them to stick to gb news, such a childish righteousness comment for your self  All jokes aside there is young kids constantly getting mugged in our area, there is masked bike riders going around armed with knife’s, all I’m saying is police resources could be better used, police wont use there resources to respond to car theft but will happily knock on someone’s door for hurtful comments on the internet which should have us all thinking 🤔 
    • I recommend you stick to GB News following that last comment.  Hate crime is still a crime.  We all think that we know best.
    • All jokes aside there is young kids constantly getting mugged in our area, there is masked bike riders going around armed with knife’s, all I’m saying is police resources could be better used, police wont use there resources to respond to car theft but will happily knock on someone’s door for hurtful comments on the internet which should have us all thinking 🤔 
    • This is the real police, sorry a serious subject but couldn't help myself
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