Advice re neighbours and music...

[Madison]

Long time poster, but using a different user name for this one...my neighbour doesn't post on here but other people know who I am and so could work out who she is.

We have a small house and a small garden and we have a neighbour whose garden backs onto ours. They have a massive garden and bigger house at the other end of their garden so we face each other but the houses are a way apart. Our neighbours have three boys under 9. It's fair to say we are quite different people socially/financially - but we get on pretty well - drinks at Christmas, take in parcels for each other etc.

About a year ago, our neighbours put up a big wooden fort type thing for their children right up on our fence line. We weren't thrilled, especially when they made clear that the reason for putting it there was that it meant they couldn't hear the noise of the boys playing from their house, but it's actually been fine. Their children are great, yes they can be a bit noisy when they're out there but it's only at the weekends and not even every weekend.

So today I was cleaning the house (at about 2pm) with our back doors open and music playing - it was pretty loud because the boys were out playing on the fort and I wanted to be able to hear it above all the shouting and screaming. It was a mix playlist of techno, rock and rap (Blackstreet, Kanye, nothing too hardcore!) - I had at least thought to check there were no very sweary songs given I knew the music would carry.

After about an hour, my neighbour came round - to ask me not to play music when the boys were outside in the garden or keep my doors and windows shut, because she and her husband feel strongly that music, TV etc should be age appropriate and she absolutely didn't want the boys "exposed" to rap music. I offered to keep the volume down a bit when the boys are out in the garden but she feels that they will still be able to hear it given how close the play area is. Her parting comment was "I appreciate I can't tell you what to do in your own home, but I will have to keep the boys inside if we can't agree on this". She was perfectly polite and friendly, but it's plain she feels very strongly about this as an issue.

I'd really appreciate thoughts on how to handle this. A huge part of me balks at being told what to do in my own home - and I mention this to my husband he will go nuts, but I kind of understand where she's coming from (we have two grown up children who are at uni) and I hate the idea of the kids being kept inside in the summer. I'm thinking of popping round when I know the husband is at home to talk about it and see if we can't agree on the "volume down when children playing" compromise. But maybe it's better to leave and just let things settle without making a big thing about it? Then part of me feels like I am a terrible mother for not being more concerned about this stuff! I don't want things to be weird but equally I feel like I should be able to play music in my own home with the windows open.

All thoughts appreciated.

[mancity68]

I think it sounds like you have been quite reasonable. If it was simply loud enough for you to hear whilst you were enjoying your own garden - as opposed to being so loud the whole street couldn't fail to hear it - well fair enough. It always surprises me how quick people are to complain but don't nexessarily think about their own actions might negatively impact. In my street, the terraced gardens all are pretty small and close and we just grin and bear it when someone cracks open the Bbq the minute the washing was put out, or drilling and sawing goes on just as you settle down witha book. It's part of city living.....

[Saffron]

I'm guessing she never has to take her children on London public transport of any type!

[uncleglen]

Bloody cheek- putting the fort near YOUR end so she isn't bothered by the play noise of HER kids...I'd switch to heavy metal...she's got a nasty shock coming when they go to secondary school and they are exposed to the refined tastes of 15 and 16 year olds....

[Monkey]

She has a bloody cheek but trying to cancel out her kids' noise with your own noise can only serve to upset your other neighbours. I'd ask her to move the fort if I were you or ask her to get her saintly kids to shut up.

[Giacomelli]

I could understand if you were playing hardcore stuff with loads of sweary words/sexism etc etc but sounds like she it's stuff you hear on the radio! Sounds like she should move to a remote Scottish island. If I were you I would go round and explain the reasoning behind give and take and about city living. My previous neighbours got a trampoline for their kids that the whole of east dulwich played on so I never felt guilty about having the odd loud boozy bbq or letting shouty 2 yr olds "express themselves" in the garden. As others have said she is in for a shock once her boys get into their teenage years, you will probably be helping her if you go round and talk it out. If she is happy for their fort to be so far away from her "fort" then she needs to realise that the bubble can't extend into your garden too. If she had wanted to control what was in their environment she should have built the fort closer to home! Just nuts can't believe some people.

[Scruffy Mummy]

Ignore her. She is a control freak. Keep playing your music & just blank her when you see her in the street. The more time and attention you pay to her the more you will get sucked into her control freak drama/attention seeking behaviour. You don't need to please or pander to her extremely unreasonable behavior. It is very liberating to free your from having to be the nice accommodating one!

[Madison]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on here and by PM - it definitely helps to know that I'm not totally out of touch with reasonable parenting in 2016! Anyway, we have a resolution. We did go round, and spoke to the husband who explained that the oldest boy had picked up a refrain from one song and was shouting it at his brothers when they were playing (nothing bad, from an old song sampling the Robocop movie - 20 Seconds to Comply) and his wife had (in his words) overreacted when she heard it - not so much at the song but at the fact he had picked up something so easily that she never would have let him listen to at home. Which I kind of get, although I agree she may be in a for a rude awakening when they hit their teens.

I have said we'll keep the music down when the boys are in the garden over the summer and they are going to look at moving the fort up the garden later in the year so it's not as close to our fence line. So all good - and thanks for giving me the courage to go round there to deal with this face to face.