Advice - 2.5 yo starting nursery for first time

[sarahb22]

Hi

My 2.5 year old will be starting nursery for the first time in a few weeks' time - 2 days a week - and I'm getting increasingly nervous (almost certainly overthinking things but I can't help it).

I've tried to make it sound as fun as possible i.e. she'll have lots of new toys / friends to play with and she seemed ok with the idea at first but then said something about looking forward to me watching her play at nursery. Dawned on me that she didn't realise I wasn't going to be there with her....

So since then I bought some books about starting nursery (e.g. Maisie loves nursery, etc) to read with her and I've explained to her that I won't be staying with her (and neither will her dad or grandma) so she has a better idea of what to expect. I've also tried to reassure her that I will definitely be coming back for her (in case she was worried that I'd just leave her and sail off into the sunset). That seemed to work for about a week, and she seemed relatively ok with the idea of going, but she is now saying things (completely out of the blue / out of context) such as "I don't want you to leave me at nursery". So I'm back to worrying again.

Has anyone been through this with a child of a similar age? Any tips? We have three settling in sessions. Not sure if I should stay with her for a bit on day 1 or just ignore any tears and leave her. Also not sure if it's better for me to take her or for her dad (or grandma) to go. He thinks he should take her as she's less likely to be clingy with him (and he's less likely to get upset than me!).

Any advice appreciated.

[midivydale]

Hey, leaving your child for the first time in a childcare setting is a big deal and you are bound to feel anxious about it. I was exactly the same. Whilst it is great that you prepare her, sometimes less is more with these things (and I am the clingy type too)as the prep in itself might unsettle her (ie reading of the books). I would mention it once in a while ie if you walk past say something cheerful like "oh look, there is your new nursery where you will play with all your friends" or if you get her a bag say "look, here is your big girl bag for when you start nursery with your friends". I would not over talk the fact that you will not be there or leave her.

For drop off, take the lead from nursery staff and do what they suggest, which may be different to what they first adviced or what you thought. Try to trust them.

When I dropped my son off (he was 2yrs 2 mnths) his key worker took a firm hold of him and with a cheery "see you later mummy love you" walked off with him! I was in pieces as I had anticipated that I would stay for a couple of hours. I held back the tears and did my best impression of bright and breezy and then fell apart out of sight in the reception area wherethe manager gave me a hug and a cup of tea. I was then taken to the office where I saw my son cry for 3 min on CCTV (torture) and then happily running off to play with some trains.

It is hard, but the best advice I can give is to trust the staff. Go with what they suggest, they will call you if she doesn't settle. I think bright and breezy is best rather than stressing the fact that "mummy will not be there" etc. Then you need to make sure you have something to do after you have left her (not hiding outside in the bushes like I did).

I also think it is worth sticking to her routine so if dad will be doing drop off it might be easier for him to start to do it straight away.

Good luck and go easy on yourself. It is really hard to let them go. I remember when I was going back to work and two lovely forummites (working mummy and nappylady) sent me messages of reassurance. It was such a thoughtful thing to do and I remember them still, years later.

[Saffron]

Follow your instincts. Parents often stay for part of the settling-in time, and you can request additional settling-in sessions if needed. Discuss with your nursery in advance what the plan for settling-in is, and work together to find something that will work. I always planned to stay for the first part of Little Saff's settling-in, and I would not have been disuaded under any circumstances.

If the nursery is the right fit for you and your LO, then you'll feel confident in their approach.

If you're really not happy with the process, speak to staff about your concerns. If you can't find a solution, it's not the place for you.

We had three half days of settling-in with Little Saff. We could have arranged more, but she was fine, no tears at all, very happy to play. I think I spent about an hour with her on the first day, then less the next two days. And I told her where I was going to be while she played without me, eg in the office, round the shop etc.

It also helped that I made certain Little Saff knew how to say all the staffs' names and understood who her key worker was. This gave her a lot of confidence. We also did role playing (which she loves) pretending to be in nursery together. She was 2yrs7mo. She loved her nursery so much that she still talks about it (she's 6 now).

Good luck. It sounds like you're very thoughtful, and your concerns are completely normal. I hope your settling-in time will smooth the transition for you both. xx

[sarahb22]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Going with the flow sounds like a sensible approach. I think it's the anticipation and not knowing what to expect (either from the staff, or from my daughter) that's really not helping at the moment - I just want to get the process started so I know how painful (or pain free!) it's actually going to be.

You're right, I need to be able to trust the staff but at the moment it's difficult because I just don't know them (at all). Sent an email earlier this week just flagging my concerns and haven't even had so much as an acknowledgement. It's frustrating but I suppose they have better things to do (i.e. look after children) than respond to the ramblings of a neurotic mother!

Anyway, perhaps she'll surprise me and be absolutely fine - stranger things have happened....

I may report back, depending on how traumatic it is!

Thanks again

x

[Saffron]

Looking after children should include developing a good relationship with the parents. If they are a very small nursery, they may not have staff available to check and respond to emails regularly. Or, they simply may not be very up-to-date/tech savvy about their communications.

Part of the settling-in process should very much IMHO be about the parents getting to know the staff (and vice versa), as well as the child learning about a new environment.

It is not neurotic to want to know that your children will be well cared for, and to know who will give that care. It may not be possible during settling-in to meet all the staff. Some people may be on annual leave, or tea break, sick leave etc. But you should be able to meet most of the staff who will look after your child, as well as office staff.

Can you call or drop in one morning to enquire further with the nursery? Your concerns are not unreasonable. xx

[Redmeghan]

My daughter started two days a week last January and I was really anxious too - there were days that were really hard and days that were great but it took a good six weeks for her to settle completely. It's bound to be an upheaval for both of you but it has to happen - I think you should spoil yourself after you drop her off! Go shopping, do yoga - anything to take your mind off it. The fact that you're worried and have gone to such lengths to prepare her mean that you're an amazing mum and she will therefore be fine!

Enjoy the freedom!