Table manners questioned in my own home

[Louisa]

Had some visitors today, family I've not seen in many years. Classic done good, moved to Maidstone and only speak to use when it suits types. Not overly keen, never have been. But anyway.

So I made a steamed pudding with mash, veg and gravy. Four of us at the table. Mr Louisa always tucks in once it's landed on the table. So he gets his first and starts eating, then my guest immediately questions his manners for eating before everyone else had received their food. It was said in a sort of jokey way but with hidden undertones of seriousness (no doubt they would have talked about it in the car on the way home). I was a bit shocked to be honest, I've never had a problem with people tucking in before everyone else's has arrived and found this a bit of a strange thing to say whilst a guest in my house.

My question is, is it bad etiquette for someone to start dinner without others starting theirs? Is it rude to eat with your mouth open? I suppose I have always been quite informal, we often eat our dinner in front of the tv and there isn't any set of rules regarding who can eat and when. Am I alone on this?

They won't be invited back again.

Louisa.

[Loz]

Well, it falls into two often competing pieces of etiquette.

1) No, you shouldn't generally begin eating until all have their food.

2) But, your gaff: your rules.

The second rule always supercedes the first.

[dirac]

I was one of 5 kids growing up so if we had to wait to tuck in the person who got theirs first would be eating cold! That's worse in my opinion.

To have the nerve to call someone out in their own home is also worse than what they were calling out for.

[mancity68]

Yep. What Loz said.

Biggest etiquette fail was on your guest'spart for querying the host's behaviour.

[siousxiesue]

Honestly? I would have served the guests first anyway. But it sounds like no love lost and you're not in a hurry to repeat the experience, so don't worry about them!

[numbers]

what siouxsiesue said.

In answer to your questions...

1. yep, its rude not to serve your guests first

2. informal or not its bloody rude to eat with your mouth full

3. extremely rude to begin eating before everyone has their food unless your host says tuck in don't wait etc

4. why bother inviting family you have no time for anyway? I really don't get why anyone would do that.

5. steamed pudding & gravy?!!! is it not HOT in ED?!

6. they were rude to make faux jokey comments, they should have just had a proper bitching sesh in the car on the way back.

7. they're not invited back so don't give it a moment's thought.

[Robert Poste's Child]

As a child I was told that the worst form of bad manners is to comment on someone else's, so I'd say he was out of order - particularly as a guest. I know quite a few men who exercise the right to do as they like in their own house and if I was your guest that's how I'd have looked at it (assuming I'd even noticed).

[TheArtfulDogger]

But surely you all waited for grace to be said before eating 🤔

Actually does anyone say grace these days ?

[geneie]

I was always taught that you should eat hot food served straight away and not wait for others to be served, but wait till all are served to tuck into a cold course.

Incredibly bad manners to comment on anyone else's!

[Lynne]

Yes, guests always served first. So then,as guests, they choose whether to wait or not

Formal etiquette used to dictate that you started eating as soon as your food arrived, as with a big dinner party it would be cold before everyone else had been served. But formal etiquette used to say that it was rude to praise your food. By complimenting it, you were obliquely raising the thought that the food might not be good always.

[DulwichFox]

No. you should all sit there and wait for your food to go cold...

...like in posh E.D. Restaurants where they spend so much time farting about with the food building towers and such. :)

Foxy..

[Peckhamrye]

What geneie said.

[Mick Mac]

Don't start until everyone's food is served. Food doesn't go cold in thirty seconds.

The last person to sit down is often the host, who has had to cook the food - its common decency to wait until the host is seated, unless the host says he / she would prefer everyone started. Even then I personally would probably wait.

[Louisa]

If I were at a restaurant I'd probably wait for everyone's food to arrive, but in my own informal setting I've always been laid back and don't have any expectations whatsoever. Don't often have guests for dinner these days so perhaps I should/could have made the request to mr Louisa before they arrived. But then again, there certainly isn't any love lost between us and I couldn't give a monkeys whether I see them again or not. I'm just fascinated by some peoples fascination with etiquette. It's never been top of my list when I'm hungry!

Louisa.

[JohnL]

Was it Dennis Skinner :)

He makes quips when he shouldn't but gets away with it as he's a national treasure.

[KidKruger]

Louisa, bottom line for me would be if I've got guests where I even need to care about stuff like this then I've got the wrong visitors (and I know to prevent their returning - for food at least).

On a practical note, what's the 'advantage' to remaining (as yet, un-served) guests if someone who gets their food before them does NOT start eating ?

If the only 'advantage' is the satisfaction of watching someone wait until other plates arrive, that's unnecessary and total bollox IMO. It's just inventing constructs with no practical purpose.

I had guests on Saturday, a couple. I did for a split-second think who should I serve first from the pot and I chose to serve the guests first rather than 'ladies first', but whatever I did my guests wouldn't give two shits anyway nor would my missus (though I was disappointed I even considered the question). It was Thai pork curry, Som Tam spicy salad, Tod Man Pla fishcakes, sticky rice and cucumber salad with chillies BTW.

If you're not on their list for inheritance, then why not have some fun and commit 'manners' outrage after outrage, in the hope of generating some interesting anecdotes - to share with those other guests who you can relax better with at a later time.

numbers "2. informal or not its bloody rude to eat with your mouth full ". Personally I'd always encourage my guests (or anyone, in fact) to eat with their mouth full. Not doing so will surely cause a build-up of rotting food in the mouth and mean you'll never get the chance to speak again. It could also affect your breathing and cause you to choke, or, at worst, die.

[jaywalker]

"I'm just fascinated by some peoples fascination with etiquette."

I have just read Jay Rayner's excellent "the ten (food) commandments" (on sale at Franklins) and he has convinced me to change my ways: from now on I'm going to eat with my fingers. I remember this from somewhere:

Marco Polo (as guest, served first of course): "in our country eating with our fingers is taboo"

The Great Sultan: "then you are missing a great pleasure"

So next time you serve your difficult relations Louisa, just take away the knives and forks and tell them to eat with their fingers: you can tell them its both a la mode and de rigueur in east Dulwich, even if not in Ruritania.

[Robert Poste's Child]

Not sure about eating steamed pudding, mash and gravy with fingers...

A bold choice of menu for a hot summer day. Each to their own, though. I'm existing mainly on fridge tapas and raspberry sorbet.

[Mick Mac]

I like everything as formal as possible. Love it.

[numbers]

Jeez KK it was clearly a typo should have said mouth open but I take your point.

Of course we should all only have guests we actually want to be there & be comfortable with otherwise why bother? But I strongly suspect that wouldn't have made for great discussion on a forum thread (eh Louisa?)

there's no reason to let food go cold whilst waiting for others to be served unless for some bizarre reason it takes you more than a few minutes to serve people? i would'nt have thought anyone would gain some weird pleasure over making people wait to eat, nor is there some advantage to be gained, it's just being polite not an artificial construct Fgs.

[Jeremy]

I'd say it's good manners to offer the food to your guests first, but then people should just get stuck in once the food is served. But it's definitely terrible, terrible manners to bring it up and embarrass your hosts.

Some of my wife's relatives came over for lunch last year, and they all prayed at the table before starting to eat. Now I obviously don't care what they do in their own home, but felt a bit invasive.

[KidKruger]

yeh I know it was a typo - I should have added an exclamation or smiley when I made my point.

the other stuff - waiting for people to be served before one eats is a personal choice, if one chooses to wait or feels obliged to wait and one's food goes cold or gets colder than one likes, then one is achieving nothing.

[LondonMix]

The assumption is everyone is hungry and that its hard to watch someone else eating yummy food when you are hungry and waiting for your own. Personally, I would never start eating before everyone had their food. Unless there is some long anticipated delay in someone's meal, I can't see why you wouldn't be able to wait 30 seconds. If you are sitting at a dining table, that's formal enough a situation for that to hold imo.

Your guest was ruder to say something though. You should never openly question anyone's manners (except your children's)

When I host dinner though, I never serve out my guests food (I hate that). I just put it all on serving platters on the table so people can serve themselves (and pass things around old school style).

Talking with your mouth full is always revolting. It has nothing to do with how formal the situation is. Its just gross to look at.

KidKruger Wrote:

> On a practical note, what's the 'advantage' to

> remaining (as yet, un-served) guests if someone

> who gets their food before them does NOT start

> eating ?

>

[Loz]

Jeremy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Some of my wife's relatives came over for lunch last year, and they all prayed at the table before

> starting to eat. Now I obviously don't care what they do in their own home, but felt a bit

> invasive.

I assume this wasn't the first time they'd experienced your cooking?? :))

[KidKruger]

30 secs won't hurt anyone obviously, neither will 64 seconds, but like I say if the food's getting colder to point where it's not how you like it or it's actually going cold then you're a mug (IMO). The longer you wait the more impractical and invalid the rule of is proven.

Surely 30 seconds, or even 60 seconds is not what we're talking here anyway - why would anyone even think such a short time period even qualifies as having to 'wait' (and therefore requires a decision on manners anyway) ?