How to describe the shock of the first 3 months...

[Belle]

yep, I remember thinking it was like I was on a notice period of infinity and it was horrible!

not sure about the idea that nature works to make sure you're a good mum in those early days, not for everyone anyhow - nature (or perhaps circumstances, or both) def didn't come through for me on that one! I managed to keep my baby looked after and he was fine, but I definitely wasn't.

[Moos]

Many congratulations, Fuschia - when are you due?

I really don't think I'm a baby person, though I was fortunate to love my son hugely as soon as he was born, and increasingly as time goes on - I know not everyone feels that immediate bond. But there were so many days when I didn't have a clue what to do with him, or with myself, and my perception was that small babies are not very responsive so it was hard to tell whether he was happy or not. It was terribly hard dealing with someone with whom there was absolutely no possibility of negotiation or compromise, and accepting that I was not the one in control.

I remember those first 6-8 months as very lonely, exhausting and anxiety-making, and at the worst times didn't recognise or at all like the weepy, helpless, slightly nuts person I had become. What I didn't know then is that things do level out and you recover your sense of self - hurray! My happiest times were the last 2-3 months of my maternity leave as Moosling got bigger and more interesting and I had adjusted to full-time-Mummy life, and the first year back at work when I was working part-time and with a good amount of time morning and evening with him. I loved the balance. Since then, work has taken over and that's Not Good, but hopefully it won't be for ever.

Also, he's now almost 3 and for the first time I would be tempted if I had the option to 'freeze' him where he is now - so funny, and affectionate, and sweet. Previously, I always watched each new development with pride and was happy to accept the loss of the sweet babyishness as the price for the little spurt of growing up.

Sorry, have gone completely off topic again.

[Ko]

CONGRATULATIONS FUSCHIA!! great news, you must be thrilled!

[candj]

OMG! A big congratulations to you Fuschia! So exciting to hear that there are so many babies on the way. When is your due date? Hope this is a nice easy peasy pregnancy now that you're such a pro! ;-)

-C x

[GinaG3]

Its like being in a bubble for the first few months, wanting to do everything to protect your baby. Feeling suffocated by all the different information you get given, and just feeling totally confused. Childbirth for me was one big natural high, I remember not sleeping and just running on pure adrenaline for the first 4 days. Swinging from high to low, complete and utter shock at the happiness that spreads through your life, but the lows and worries for your child. It was an amazing experience, that I would do over and over again if I had the chance. Its amazing how becoming a mother can put your world upside down, but you do see the world can be a very happy place while in a headstand :-)

[standswithfist]

zombified due to lack of sleep, helpless, cried a LOT, but also kissed her a lot!!

[Smiler]

Like Trish, can't remember a lot at all! Emotional and hormonal rollercoaster.

Congratulations and best wishes Fuschia!

[The Nappy Lady]

So interesting to read this thread, and I know I was really, really lucky, but I honestly just felt overwhelmed with happiness, almost like I had been drinking champagne and had that bubbly feeling inside all the time. I suppose if I am totally honest I loved being the centre of attention - having all the fuss - people looking after me, and coming to see the new baby etc. Even when out and about total strangers tend to smile or chat to you, I really love that feeling of being 'special' and of course just the overwhelming love and the closeness to your partner - that 'look what we made!' feeling. There were moments when I didn't feel good of course, and doubted myself etc. but I feel the balance was more towards overwhelming joy and happiness.

2nd time around I also felt excited about the person I knew she would become in the coming months, where as first time around I was really just focussed on finally getting the baby I'd always dreamed about, and oblivious of what was to come.

However, 2nd time around I had a pretty hard time later on - rather like Pickle, and not helped by a very nasty chest infection that took about 4 months to clear, I think I was so run down by breastfeeding, disturbed nights, having 2, school run etc. to do with the older one, and juggling Nappy Lady stuff which tended to mean working from 9pm until midnigth etc. Looking back I wonder what on earth I was thinking of. Plus I was stupid because I didn't want to admit to it, having tried so hard for so long for our 2nd baby I had a sort of 'can't complain/admit this is hard' mindset. Just so silly, and lucky I got through it OK really.

Loving the newborn bit so much and reading this thread does make me wonder if I could do something to help new Mums in the future when my two are older, it would be nice to be able to 'put my arms' (not necessarly in a literal sense) around some of those who are struggling through those first few weeks.

Molly

[Fuschia]

end of nov!

[canadianlisa]

Looking back I spent the first three months ocsillating between feeling a overwhelming love/ wonder for my baby and wishing that she would hurry up and do the next thing... in terms of 'it will be so much better / easier when she can play by herself, sit up a bit, not breastfeed for so long, not cry so damn much.' It was a lot a harder work than I had anticipated and there were many days when I would have much rather been at work.

I also felt quite claustrophobic when she would have marathon breast feeding sessions and I would be stuck on the couch for hours on end. Now she is almost 7 months and I do find it way easier and a lot more fun. I finally feel like I know her and have got my head around being her Mum. And even though she is shocking sleeper and I do feel run down I can now imagine having another one or two and I miss her teeny, tiny days. Next time I am going to appreciate the breast feeding and t.v watching time as those days really do go quickly and now I can't watch cash in the attic everyday for hours on end.

[snowboarder]

The Nappy Lady Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> Loving the newborn bit so much and reading this

> thread does make me wonder if I could do something

> to help new Mums in the future when my two are

> older, it would be nice to be able to 'put my

> arms' (not necessarly in a literal sense) around

> some of those who are struggling through those

> first few weeks.

>

I do think that some sort of post natal support 'service' would be amazing. I never really felt I could talk to my friends or family as had always been super happy take things in my stride person, and felt rubbish admitting I was hating my life and not really coping. My mother now says she was in despair about how awful babysb was - dunno why she didn't say that at the time!! I know she was an NCT post natal support 'buddy' ages ago - and one of her best friends is someone she helped - but that doesn't seem to be around these days? I think you sometimes need to talk to someone who doesn't necessarily know the old you....

[Princess]

Absolutely agree Snowboarder. In my pre baby life, I ran an office of creatives, resolved difficult (sometimes impossible) situations, pretty nearly always delivered what was needed of me on (if not ahead) of schedule within budget etc etc. Therefore, I found it so hard to admit to people that my 'new job' was hard and I really wasn't coping very well. A support service would have been amazing for me, and would be something I would be really interested in getting involved with in the future.

[bee74]

Molly

thank you for raising the issue. With my question, I was partly trying to make sense of it for myself, see if I had been one of very few having a tough time, and partly i was checking out if there might be the need for some sort of support group as you suggest. I am a psychotherapist, but i think being a mother gives me more credential!

Would anyone be interested in taking this further in terms of setting up a post-natal support group? I already see mothers in private practice, but a group of mothers would be better, then you really know you are not ALONE!

B

[Trish]

Fuschia - congratulations! Maybe we'll bump into each other along the way. I'm due mid November - my second, so not quite the pro you are at this mothering malarky!

[The Nappy Lady]

Hi Bee,

yes I would be interested, time allowing though need to work out how as a group we'd be different from NCT, surestart and the like.

Snowboarder, I truly believe that for many of us saying 'help I'm not coping' is one of the hardest things, especially when it comes to parenting. I think the option of anonimity (sp cooking dinner no time to check) on the foru

is very useful in this respect.

I can imagine once my girls are both at school setting aside a day a week to give a few new Mums an hour or two of my time each, whether it be to listen, reassure, take baby while they do jobs or have a bath.....whatever. Hmmmmm, must remember not to sign up to full time work again!!

Molly

[GinaG3]

I am extremely interested in any kind of post-natal support. I am due to graduate from le leche leagues breastfeeding peer councillor training in June (I actually finish this course tomorrow). I then intend to support many women across the community with post natal support & breastfeeding support where needed. My one worry is that not many people will appreciate my knowledge and the level of support I can provide as I am rather young myself. Oh what i'd give to help people with post natal issues! There is alot of demand for such services in Southwark.

[Fuschia]

I think an EDF new mum's support group would be lovely! Or mums with a bit oif free time when older ones are at nursery befriending new mums.

I can certainly say that when our new one makes its appearance I will be in the market for other mums to give me moral support and go to the same playgroups as me so I am not trying to breastfeed one baby while running in opposite directions at the same time. It makes me feel incredibly thin just thinking of it!

[Belle]

yes am keen to help on this in some way as I had a v tough time though was lucky with wonderful husband,friends and famil y - but you need people to talk to who understand I agree. Had heard there was a possibility of htis happening with NCT locally (know there is a dearth of tea groups in the area due to lack of volunteers, and I really missed that this wasn't an option). I've thought personally about post natal doula training because I feel so strongly about it all but not sure of practicalities with my own 15 mth old to juggle just now. Like your idea Fuschia of maybe when they're in nursery sessions (hoping to send mine at 2, for a couple of mornings a week) - using the time to help out with a group.

Bee - let us kn ow what kind of thing you have in mind/what help you'd need? I had PND and would be very happy to come to a group and share my experiences and how I got over it if that would help.

[Lochie]

I remember thinking in said order: 1) YES I did it!!!! (5 mins after giving birth!) 2) I've never seen a more beautiful baby in my life 3) How come I've been sent home with a baby I have no idea how to look after - are they mad! 4) Jesus my boobs hurt 5) Its not possible to survive on so little sleep 6) I need a valley cushion! 7) Damn I thought my other half's paternity leave would consist of us having country walks and pints in pubs with our lovely new baby but I can't even fathom getting out the house! 8) Breast feeding isn't working for me or baby but I feel too guilty to bottle feed 9) I feel anxious alot of the time and am annoyed at other half for wanting to go out and play football when I've had no sleep and I'm sick of watching loose women on my own! 10) NB - 5 months later! - I've really got the hang of this motherhood lark and am happy to call my baby the love of my life! (much to my fiance's chagrin!)

Am sure all this is very familiar (at least I hope it is!) - but having had a very difficult first 3 months, I feel I wouldn't have found things so tough if a post natal group existed, and am a strong supporter of any group that helps women adjust to motherhood (realising of course that a lot of women take to it swimmingly but others might find the adjustment a little hard). I had an outstanding health visitor who 'normalised' feelings of new motherhood for me (the feelings of anxiety, the feeling that you'd rather have a good solid 8 hours sleep than win the lottery, the feeling that you'd like a 'day off' from looking after the baby)...I have mentioned this to the lovely lady Alice who runs Bumps and Babes every Friday in North Dulwich and who also is an NCT teacher. It is something I am sure Health Visitors (at least good Health Vistors) are very good at doing, but sadly I don't think they have the time to provide that level of support to women who want to have a cuppa and a long chat about their new life as a mum. Unfortunately in our society I don't think that motherhood is put on a high enough peddlestool! (am sure its been mentioned loads of times but Naomi Standlen's book really captured how important just 'being a mum' is).

I'd love to be involved in a post natal support group - even if it involves helping a new mummy with the often daunting task of going to their first mother and baby group - I'd love to help out!

[Pickle]

I'd be very interested in being part of a support group. I enjoyed the babymoon part of things as mentioned above, but did come up against issues like tongue tie, breastfeeding problems etc. along the way so hopefully I'd be able to provide a bit of support to someone needing it.

With regards to the comment about there being a dearth of volunteers for NCT tea groups round here... I'm a volunteer and have only been contacted TWICE in the whole time I've been volunteering (2 years). I haven't had a single email from them for the best part of a year, so from my point of view it's not a lack of people to host thats the problem, it's an organisational problem at the NCT end of things. Very frustrating as I really enjoyed doing it.

P x

[Fuschia]

Pickle Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> With regards to the comment about there being a

> dearth of volunteers for NCT tea groups round

> here... I'm a volunteer and have only been

> contacted TWICE in the whole time I've been

> volunteering (2 years). I haven't had a single

> email from them for the best part of a year, so

> from my point of view it's not a lack of people to

> host thats the problem, it's an organisational

> problem at the NCT end of things. Very

> frustrating as I really enjoyed doing it.

I volunteered a few years back and was told they had roo many volunteers already in ED.

>

> P x

[snowboarder]

I think they have just given up trying to sort out SE22 tea groups - no-one I know has been to one. maybe it's lack of volunteers to organise rather than host?!?

[ryedalema]

I'd love to be part of a post baby support group too. I remember all the feelings people are describing. I had a quick home birth |(unexpected) with our first and she even managed a fairly civilised hour - all done by 11.50pm. I remember looking down at her in her Moses basket next to our bed and thinking - Oh my G*d - what just happened? Then spending the next 6 months or so prodding her to make sure she hadn't died on me (!) I know, truly awful and morbid but I was freaked out about cot death and I think there were loads of scares on when I was preggers with her.

I hope this is the first and only time I quote SATC but in one series Miranda is with her baby and boyfriend (the one with glasses who becomes her husband I think) and the sketch was about him freaking out about being in charge of the baby. The line I remember goes something like 'OK, I'll try not to kill him during the week - then you can try not to kill him at weekends'.

Truly summed up things for me ;-)

[Belle]

re the tea group thing - that's interesting pickle/fuschia - I was quite cross as i contacted them several times about it and kept being told there would be one soon but that there was a problem with volunteers - I did make it clear how desperate I was too! So it's so sad to know you guys and perhaps others are out there and willing to host but for some reason the admin has failed somewhere. I found the EDF an amazing source of support though and have made some lovely friends through it, so think it's good to bear in mind that NCT is not the only route.

[bee74]

Well, it seems that the idea of the support group could develop in two separate directions.

1. there could be volunteer 'seasoned' moms who spend time (in person/ via email/ over the phone or skipe) with new mothers one to one to help with practical things like suggested - going to baby group, breast feeding, boredom, adult conversation, anxiety, fear of killing etc... There could be a list of names and we could advertise it here and in obvious places like hospitals, midwifes, health visitors, etc.

2. a more formal therapeutic group which meets regularly (twice a month or once a week) with mothers who sign up for it at the beginning for a set period (maybe 6 sessions) and they attend with or without babies. And I would be delighted (and qualified) to run this.

Do these sound like a good idea?

B