How to describe the shock of the first 3 months...

[Fuschia]

They do.

In the absence of NCT tea groups, it should also be possibele for a group of mothers with babies born around the same time, to get themselves together for moral support too.

[snowboarder]

Does the NCT not do any post natal work in the area (other than bumps and babes)?

[Belle]

Yes def - I think a sort of matchmaking service where you could speak to someone who's been there one on one would be great, think it's easier than talking to 'peers' ie people with babies of same age (or that's what I found anyway). I found email worked well - I was put in touch with a friend's sister in law who doesn't even live in this country and we corresponded for a while, and I found hearing about her experiences v useful. Though this was PND specific I think it's a principle which applies across the whole new motherhood spectrum. So def count me in as a volunteer please.

[Moos]

How about starting a May Club.. then a June Club.. and so on - just a thread for people due in each month to organise get-togethers at caf?s, parks or each other's houses, and perhaps every now and then invite a 'seasoned' mother (or even better, a breastfeeding counsellor... feeding expert... trained carer) to come along too.

The mutual and local support of other people going through the same thing at the same time, whether because you just want some company and a giggle or when you're having a rotten day and need real help, is what got me through my son's babyhood.

[Moos]

Interesting - cross-post with Belle - perhaps what you need is a bit of both, peer support for the every day and one-to-one support with someone to offer advice for specific issues?

[nunheadmum]

I read this and can't help myself thinking that it's not just the shock of the first 3 months - it's the ongoing shock of just how much having kids tests every aspect of your personality, relationships, value systems.......I could go on. But with little local support beyond my NCT group, I do remember thinking in the beginning that having someone to talk to who had been through it a bit before me would have been such a big help. My NCT group were fantastic but it was a bit like the blind leading the blind. Having someone who we knew had raised a baby or two and managed not to kill them - despite perhaps thinking that they would at the start - would have been such a help.

The only reason I could think of as to why it hadn't been started before was the fact that there are such different approaches and trying to ensure that each new mum got someone who was on a similar wavelength to themselves, could be quite a bit of an organisational challenge.

That said, I'd certainly be up to offering what support I could to a new mum.

[The Nappy Lady]

Maybe the way to do it would be to have a contact list of volunteers, with a brief bio - nothing scary, but stuff like how many kids, likes dislikes etc. which may help people to contact the person they feel they would best connect with - and then if they don't feel comfortable with that person then they can always try someone else on the list instead.

As you say NunheadMum is hard to match personalities off the cuff.

As long as the volunteers are relaxed about it, that would work - we would need to keep the balance right, in terms of maintaining a gentle offer of contact, but not feeling offended if they don't seem keen to meet up again I guess!!

Also I guess we'll have to be careful not to over commit ourselves - but if someone was 'list holder' so to speak we could always ask to be taken off it for a while if we felt we didn't have capacity to take on anyone else.

Not sure whether this is a good or bad suggestion as to how it may work, or whether there is a better way?

Molly

[sanity girl]

I like all the suggestions so far, but was thinking maybe I would act on Moos's idea and start a thread for a "September club", as I am due then. I've already made contact with a couple of other mums who are due in september through this forum, and I know there are loads more on here - it could work well with a mix of mums who already have kids and therefore more experience to share, and first time mums.

Moos Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> How about starting a May Club.. then a June Club..

> and so on - just a thread for people due in each

> month to organise get-togethers at caf?s, parks or

> each other's houses, and perhaps every now and

> then invite a 'seasoned' mother (or even better, a

> breastfeeding counsellor... feeding expert...

> trained carer) to come along too.

>

> The mutual and local support of other people going

> through the same thing at the same time, whether

> because you just want some company and a giggle or

> when you're having a rotten day and need real

> help, is what got me through my son's babyhood.

[Lochie]

I think the bio and matchmaking ideas are really important. I've had a bit of a pipe dream these last few months of setting up a group called 'Mummy Mentors' - literally a buddying system that allocates a seasoned mum (doesn't need to have a brood, just an experience of motherhood be it with one child or several) with a brand new mum based on how the new mum is experiencing things.

Like Belle I was diagnosed with PND 6 weeks after birth, and through a post on this very forum Belle stepped forward and we started a kind of pen friend relationship really. I cannot emphasise enough how important it was to me to speak to someone who had similar experiences - a few weeks after giving birth I had met up with my NCT buddies and felt very isolated by the fact that their labours had been straightforward and they seemingly were not phased by motherhood at all (one of them gave birth in the loo and said she didn't know what all the fuss was about!). I think the one to one aspect of support to new mums is vital - a mentor who isn't your own mum or sis or best mate (not to underplay how vital those relationships are!) - but someone who you can chat to and just listen and share stories. The mentor system would also work for new mums who are having a fab time of new motherhood but who just feel a bit lonely or who want someone to hook up with to ask about breast feeding issues etc. I think online bios would be a great way of new mums having a browse and then just PM-ing a particular mum whose bio they think might work with them.

Perhaps a September start date would be a good date to work to as Sanity Girl has suggested....and also a monthly get together of the Mummy Mentors with new mums just from a social point of view too from September ....

[Fuschia]

Even those of us who don't get much time without our existing broods might be able to help out a bit via email etc or grabbing time for a cuppa when we can.

I think having a September (or sept/oct) group with a couple of mums attached to help out, and getting together before the births, then repeating for nov might work well...

[Fuschia]

Another useful thing can just be threads on here. Much easier to get out to a group if you have the mobile no of someone you can meet up with, esp if it's your first time and you are worried about all the juggling ... I still only venture out alone with my twins if I can meet some other mums, as otherwise it's impossible for me to get to the loo, get myself a drink, food etc and I worry a bit about how I'd manage if one of them cracked their head open... plus it's more fun. It's lonely being out on your own with your child/ren and all the other mums seem to have buddies.

[bee74]

I think the idea of a list with bios and beliefs is great. Although I hope/suspect that volunteers would be able to put aside their own personal preferences about how to mother to accomodate those of the person they are mentoring in order to support them in the right way.

I also agree with two points: 1. it's important to have other moms with babies born around the same time (it was a life-saver for me) but also 2. to have someone else who is not related to you and who has experience of 'not killing babies'! who can normalise your anxieties, experiences, etc and reassure/ comfort you. There is also a lot of pressure to look like you're coping within groups like NCT.

Going back to my original question, I am surprised that no one has mentioned pain. I was in shock about the pain of post labour. I had a horrid tear in an unusual painful place and could not sit, wee without cool water poured on it, etc. Plus the surprise and again shock that breatfeeding was hell, so painful with cracked, bleeding, pussing nipples...

Anyway, I thought I'd throw this fun info in there! ;-)

B

[Mellors]

I'd be happy to start off a tea group from my house - as far as I know when it was NCT you just get together a list of email addresses of people who have babies due at about the same time (e.g. the September Club can PM you). Get them round to your house a few times until they get to know each other, then organise a rota where they then do it from each others houses. I would dispense pearls of wisdom as a mother of a 2 and 3.5 year old, but I am not sure I have any (other than DO take the drugs) lol.

[lillyanginger]

It is really interesting to read this...My kids are that bit older (8 & 12) but I do remember SOOOO clearly how scary, boring and lonely it was, especially first time round.

I am always surprised meeting other parents now how many other people felt like I did then...and how much it would have helped to have known that.

I would be interested to be involved, I will keep reading.

[Jo31]

I remember being so sleep deprived that I used to walk into doors and couldn't remember my date of birth or phone number! I think the best thing is to have a good old fashioned 'confinement' stay in your pyjamas, eat cake and don't go out for 3 months. Second time round expectations are much more realistic and you know it doesn't last forever.

[buggie]

This sounds really interesting - esp as am due in Sept, but could also be useful to help support new mums as I'm a paeds nurse (how useful I'd be with baby brain could be questionable though!).

Have already signed up for local NCT classes at the end of Aug, but meeting other mum's to be would be fab - is slightly scary that so many of my friends are already sure I'll be fab and a natural due to my job - am sure there's bit more to being a mum than what I do already!

[sanity girl]

Just to say I am a bit busy with work at the moment, but haven't forgotten about starting a "September club" thread - promise I will do it soon! Perhaps once it is up and running, if there is demand we could then look into organising "mummy mentors" for first time mums in the group who feel in need of support.

[citizenED]

Have read this thread with a mixture of joy and sadness; the lovely supportive comments and the comments of those who have got a lot out of those early months cheered me no end but it's such a shame that there are those for whom the shock of new parenthood is all consuming. I guess the thing common to every new mum and dad is the wholesale quality of the change in your life. Before it happens you are can always escape - weekends away from work, time away from your partner, your parents, your friends. There is nothing in your life that you cannot get away from for at least some time. And then the baby comes and the responsibility dominates everything. No moments when they don't need your attention.

As a dad, I spent two of the first three months of our first born's life with him. But I cherished tha time. Thing is - despite the changed sleep habits, the worry, frustrations, confusion and the constant beating yourself up that you ain't getting it right, there were just so many magical, unique, and serene moments that it just feels so worth it. Another abiding thing about babies is that things change so swiftly that you must try to take time to enjoy it. Soon you'll be looking back and missing the things that so challenge you now.

[nunheadmum]

Interesting to hear a post from the other side. Thinking about this thread the other day, I was thinking whether Dad's would need support just as much as mums - though maybe from a different perspective. Dad's are increasingly expected to be involved these days but so much does seem to be mum focused.

That said, I don't really see dads sitting round chatting over a coffee in quite the same way mums would - can imagine a pub would probably be a more natural setting, but I know I'd have been a bit peeved at my hubby heading off to the pub in the early days while I was hemmed in by breastfeeding!!

[plimsoul]

i'm really happy for you citizenED but trust me it's only partly to do with losing that sense of freedom, i genuinely just don't find babies that engrossing and interesting. yes, even mine (although cute at times, when the churchill pug dog look goes!) were generally not my thing.

so please don't feel it's a shame for me, i was never under the illusion that i would change my attitude to babies just because they were mine!

now toddlers onwards, that's my bag. yes tantrums, potty training and all other craziness is great fun for me. watching the children develop language, a sense of the world around them and be able to figure things out for themselves, they are my gold dust moments.

[citizenED]

Don't get me wrong, Plimsoul, I am like you too; I've preferred my kids since they have developed through the infant stages into toddlerhood and beyond. Language development and the associated whackiness you describe are my bag too. I guess God got this right - that babyhood lasts for less time than toddlerhood which lasts for less time than childhood.

But there were so many little cherished moments in that babyhood phase I'm glad I was blessed enough to enjoy it.

[????]

As our youngest is now approaching 6 months I must admit that I'm feeling sad that she's moving out of complete babyhood (I'm even a touch broody) I think this is becuase we are not planning on anymore so this is the last time we'll have all that baby lovlieness! It may also be because our first was by far the most difficult (genuinenly not just becuase she was the first)as a baby...but loving the 3rd ones babytime the most I think (despite her being a fairly poor sleeper at night). For me, I think this is the first time I've really 'got' the babyness thing at the 3rd attemp! Always liked the other two moving to toddler.

[citizenED]

I'm getting very similar feelings with our second, quids, because he too is a "last one". Every time he does a "first" I get elated, but then a little glum in the knowledge I will never experience it again.