Ask Silverfox

[silverfox]

Dear EDF Forum,

For a while now I've been in relective mood. I've got to the stage where after years of take, take, take, out of my way I'm coming through etc, it's time to give something back. And where better to start than this community-spirited forum.

What I propose is to offer my services with a regular feature called Ask Silverfox - a sort of 'Dear Deidre' on testosterone. The aim is to offer guidance, support and no-nonsense advice to all, regardless of race, creed or colour, who are trying to find their way in this confusing and fast-changing world.

No subjects would be off limits and the whole gamut of human desires, fears and experience would be addressed. Examples could include relationship advice:

Dear Silverfox, I've been seeing this guy for two weeks now. He's quite sweet when he's not drunk and not bad in the sack. Only thing is he shaves his nether regions and armpits and looks a bit, well ..., prepubescent if you know what I mean. What do you advise?

Dear xxx, bonk the living daylights out of him for one final time then dump him.

So you see, the possibilites are endless and I'm sure Admin would provide administrative and secretarial support so that all questions could be replied to within an industry standard 36 hours.

Now I realise many of you may be shy in coming forward so I propose Admin sets up an anonymous election poll-style vote to determine the level of support for what will undoubtedly become the most popular feature on the forum. The service could be funded by annoying pop-up advertising that makes the page go up and down so you lose track of which paragraph you're reading and lots of nerve-jangling over-loud music.

What do you think?

[HAL9000]

Dear Silverfox,

A member of our local forum appears to have developed delusions of grandeur. Should we humour him or try to get him to increase his medications?

[brum]

Dear Silverfox

I have been contacted by someone who claims he can advise me on personal issues. I am reluctant to engage his services because I have concerns over confidentiality and also if this person is suitably qualified. Should I consult him about my fish fetish?

[Narnia]

Dear Silverfox

I am feeling left out of it.I've been omitted from the England World Cup squad and I don't have a fish fetish. What should I do?

Depressed in ED

[katie1997]

Dear Silverfox

I have suspicions that my husband is becoming bored with our wedding crockery and could be harbouring a secret desire for more 'exotic' styles instead. What can I do to regain his enthusiasm before its too late?

[jaybee82]

Dear Silverfox,

I am beginning to develop mild rage symptoms triggered by seeing or hearing anything to do with Peter Andre. I heard 3 seconds of 'Mysterious Girl' the other morning and spent the following 18 minutes stabbing at my ears with a biro. Is this normal?

[silverfox]

HAL9000 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox,

>

> A member of our local forum appears to have

> developed delusions of grandeur. Should we humour

> him or try to get him to increase his medications?

Dear Hal9000, I know all my advice should be fair and given after careful reflection. However, if there's one thing I can't stand it's a member of a local forum who has developed delusions of grandeur. Tar 'n' feather the blighter and sit him outside the Co-Op with a "That'll learn yer" sign hung around his neck.

[silverfox]

brum Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox

>

> I have been contacted by someone who claims he can

> advise me on personal issues. I am reluctant to

> engage his services because I have concerns over

> confidentiality and also if this person is

> suitably qualified. Should I consult him about my

> fish fetish?

Dear (name withheld for confidentiality reasons), I would be very wary of responding to self-proclaimed 'Agony Aunt'/life coaches/personal development advisers offering to give you advice. They could be some sort of wierdo, or worse, an Arsenal supporter. And as for qualifications, well, who can say. However, if you'd like to send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to Ask Silverfox, C/O The EDF Forum, I'll send you the recipe for my secret formula of sardine and pilchard mousse which you can smear over your body. It attracts prepubescent shaving types like flies (oh, and flies as well).

[silverfox]

Narnia Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox

>

> I am feeling left out of it.I've been omitted from

> the England World Cup squad and I don't have a

> fish fetish. What should I do?

>

> Depressed in ED

Dear Narnia, I'm afraid there are times when, with the best will in the world, nothing can be done. You are undoubtedly a hopeless case and should give serious thought to ending it all by sending the usual stamped SAE for my Swiss Clinic brochure. On the other hand you could always change your name back to Declan.

[silverfox]

katie1997 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox

>

> I have suspicions that my husband is becoming

> bored with our wedding crockery and could be

> harbouring a secret desire for more 'exotic'

> styles instead. What can I do to regain his

> enthusiasm before its too late?

Dear Katie1997, all relationships go through a bad patch and the secret to success is give and take. Your love for eachother is far stronger than the trivial matter of crockery. It's a question of understanding. Perhaps it's a case that the spout on your Crown Derby teapot reminds him how lacking he is in the wedding tackle department. Have you considered knitting a tea cosy to help to disguise the phallic qualities of the spout to spare his blushes? Then again, why not get yourself a well-endowed lover and serve up Christmas dinner for the ungrateful wretch's family in dog bowls?

[silverfox]

jaybee82 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox,

>

> I am beginning to develop mild rage symptoms

> triggered by seeing or hearing anything to do with

> Peter Andre. I heard 3 seconds of 'Mysterious

> Girl' the other morning and spent the following 18

> minutes stabbing at my ears with a biro. Is this

> normal?

Dear jaybee82, that is a perfectly normal response and you should not feel ashamed. Other symptoms include wild, staring, born again Christian eyes, frothing at the mouth and sitting in the corner of a room rocking back and forth as if in synch with the movement of pop-up ads. The pain of looking at him and hearing his songs verges on the unbearable and the thrusting of the bic biro provides acupuncture-like relief to the torture. We can only hope he goes walkabout in the Australian bush and becomes dingo meat.

[woofmarkthedog]

HAL9000 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox,

>

> A member of our local forum appears to have

> developed delusions of grandeur. Should we humour

> him or try to get him to increase his medications?

_____________________________________________________

NO...

"I'm fine as I am"

* grooms coat whilst looking into mirror *

"Ehhh..?"

"What do you mean you're not talking about ME"

* drums fingers *

"Anyway, enough of me talking about myself , now it's your turn ( to talk about me ) "

* yawns.... flicks wasp *

W**F

[silverfox]

woofmarkthedog, the Tar 'n' Feathering doesn't apply to dogs with delusions of grandeur

[jenny1840]

Dear Silverfox

I recently voted for a liberal party under the stewardship of Nick Clegg. One of the driving factors in this decision was the liberal parties very brave and considered position of adopting CND's policy of the abolition of trident. Nuclear weapons are a very serious matter and certainly not trivial, I found it hard to believe that this issue could be fudged, especially after so many pronouncements on live TV in front of audiences of up to 10 million. So you can imagine my shock horror when I returned home early one night from my sewing circle, to find Nick in my bed with another fella. My horror was compounded by the fact that Nick was frantically polishing the end of this guys steel blue trident, and in my bed. I was shocked to say the least, any advice?

[silverfox]

Dear jenny1840, I empathise with your feelings of shock and betrayal. Time and time again my postbag is overflowing with harrowing tales of lovely girls whose only mistake was to have put their trust in what can only be described as cads, scoundrels and bounders.

Since time immemorial innocent young people like yourself have been taken in by their charm, smooth talking and the way they look directly at the camera with a glint in their eye and call you by the correct name. People like Clegg aren't worth it - they'll hop in and out of anyone's bed and the bigger the member the more they'll polish that trident. It's enough to make you go ballistic. I wouldn't be surprised if Michelle Obama has banned Clegg from the White House. Can you imagine what he'd do with the President's arsenal?

You must be heart broken. My only advice to you in your current distressed state is to pick yourself up, wipe the tears from your eyes and get out there again. It might be hard to believe now but give it time and you'll find the right person who'll make you happy and restore your trust.

[Narnia]

Dear Silverfox

I have a thing about wardrobes. If I'm ever in a house I haven't been to before I need to know where they are. In my childhood I once got locked in one at home and lo and behold found this other world out the back. When I was eventually released no one actually believed me. Am I mad?

[Brendan]

Bonkers! Mad as pumpkin fudge and not half as buoyant.

[Narnia]

Are you an 'expert' in these matters Brendan?

[silverfox]

Dear Narnia, these days we, by 'we' I mean expert advisers like what I am, prefer not to use the word 'mad'. 'Mad' can be a relative concept and easily misunderstood. Some have argued that reality is socially constructed. That is that persons and groups interacting together in a social system form, over time, concepts or mental representations of each other's actions, and that these concepts eventually become habituated into reciprocal roles played by the actors in relation to each other. When these roles are made available to other members of society to enter into and play out, the reciprocal interactions are said to be institutionalised. In the process of this institutionalisation, meaning is embedded in society. Knowledge and people's conception (and belief) of what reality is becomes embedded in the institutional fabric of society. Social reality is therefore said to be socially constructed.

In short, if people deviate from the norm they have been labelled, incorrectly in my view, 'mad'.

In your case Narnia, you're just plain bonkers, away with the fairies, insane, barking, nuts, bananas, a loony, a crackpot, raving, demented, deranged etc etc.

Next thing you'll be telling me you met a lion, a witch who turned people to stone and a beaver that talked.

[Brendan]

Dear Silverfox I have fallen over and hurt my knee. In order to curb the pain I would like to explain to it that the hard and abrasive nature of concrete is only a construct institutionalised through reciprocal interactions between knees and concrete and that it will soon go away and the bleeding will stop if it will just accept an alternative version of reality. Any tips?

[woofmarkthedog]

Narnia Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Silverfox

>

> I have a thing about wardrobes. If I'm ever in a

> house I haven't been to before I need to know

> where they are. In my childhood I once got locked

> in one at home and lo and behold found this other

> world out the back. When I was eventually released

> no one actually believed me. Am I mad?

_______________________________________________

DR W**FTM

Replies....

( Dr Silverfox is on a bog break )

Yes of course you are mad. But also "out of the closet" ( love the shoes BTW )

So now get out & enjoy your life

___________________________________________

Prescription:

"Medication Alcohol"

6 X Large measures (taken daily)

.........................................

Avoid food & operating heavy machinery

Repeat until numb

______________________________________

W**F

[silverfox]

Dear Brendan, upon reflection, maybe the word 'madness' is appropriate in some cases, as evidenced by your desire to have a semantic discussion with your knee.

We call the offending substance in this case 'concrete' but it could just as easily be called 'jelly', 'marshmallow' or anything else. 'Society' has decided that, in the English language at least, it's called concrete.

My advice to you is lay off the booze and pick your feet up.

[Narnia]

I've waited year's for someone to speak the truth and tell me how it really is. Thank you.

I hope you are not scared of Lions, Silverfox!

[silverfox]

Dear Narnia, I'm not aware of a particular phobia for fear of lions, but if you're interested in any of the following just send a stamped SAE to the usual place:

Fear of wild animals - Agrizoophobia

Fear of cats - Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Felinophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia

[EDKiwi]

or Garfieldophobia