Others disapproval about homebirth?

[reren]

I wonder if any of you have advice (and forgive me if this has been discussed before - I couldn't find anything when I searched)?

We're still at a very early stage - not yet had the 12 week scan - but if all goes well I am very keen on a home birth (for a first pregnancy) and have signed up with Brierley thanks to the advice of lots of helpful people on this site. I met my midwife recently and really liked her - so am generally feeling really good about it. The only problem is i'm getting quite a lot of negative reaction from the few people we've told - most importantly my mum! She has made it clear that she really is not keen. She knows someone who had a bad experience - but this wasn't even in the UK and certainly not with Brierley.

Its so difficult because I'm very close to my mum and generally she's a very uninterfering person and I very much respect her views! I'm just wondering if anyone has experience of this and anything you did to try & educate your family or friends about home births? Seems to me that once you start looking into it a lot of your assumptions are overturned and it doesn't seem nearly so scary? But I think its sometimes easier to make the decision than watch someone you love make a decision about something you think could be dangerous.

[Belle]

hi,

I went through this - t hough in the end had to have my baby in hospital. What upset me most was when my mum told friends of her's what my plans were - particularly 'medical' friends - and they were negative about it. I did consider sending her the homebirth website to look at (not sure of exact url, but sure it'll come up if you google it - it's a UK site I think) - but in the end I actually opted to just not talk about it with her and focus more on talking about the pregnancy/future baby, and I urged her not to tell other people my plans as they'd potentially upset her with their reaction. In the end I think she decided to just let me make my own decisions. Exactly like you though, am v close to my mum and she's generally not a bossy mum so I did find it hard, but I just kept reminding her that t his would hardly be an option on the NHS if it wasn't a safe thing to do - and that if any of those involved at the birth: midwife, me, the dad, had doubts, we'd transfer to hospital.

Hope this helps,

B

[Polly D]

My mum supported our (fairly last-minute) decision to have a home birth last year as she had wanted to have my brother and me at home in the 70s. However, I remember about 3 weeks before our son was due having a birthday dinner for my dad, and some medical professional cousins (aged 40 ish) of his were absolutely horrified at our plan. They scared the 'sh*t' out of me, almost begging me not to go through with it and because I am easily persuaded I left thinking 'what are we doing' but 2 weeks later had a totally safe, extremely well supported (Oakwood midwives) and very long home birth.

Anyway the point is you should absolutely go with what you (and your partner) want and as you're lucky enough to be with the Brierley, feel in very safe hands.

I'm sure as your pregnancy progresses you'll meet people who have all sorts of opinions and who have had all sorts of experiences.

Maybe your mum could come along to a home-birth session at Kings or if there's something similar organised by Brierley. Oakwood arranged a meeting like this where pregnant ladies could come along and hear all kinds of birth stories and it was at one of these when 34 weeks pregnant that I decided to go for the home birth option.

There's a thread on here about home birth support group, sounds like it could be something for you.

Good luck!

[Sanne Panne]

It might help if you tell her that King's is so nearby and that in the slightest case of doubt there will be a team of experts from one of the best hospitals in the country at a 10 minute drive or 5 minute ambulance ride away, depending on the circumstances. Making it clear that you have the medical option so easily available is probably a lot easier than convincing your mum that homebirthing really is safe... or you can tell/teach her both of course ;)

[katgod]

I haven't decided yet (with Lanes and don't have to decide til it actually happens) but my Mum is similarly not keen - she's not said as much but has made a few comments about 'mess' and 'upsetting the children' - i have older children who sleep through anything and would be out in the day.

Really you should prepare for this being the first of many issues on which there will be differeing views. Weaning at 6 months will likely also be viewed sceptically, as will feeding on demand, insisting on using a car seat for every single trip even if it is only 5 minutes, buying any sort of specialist equipment (baby can sleep in a drawer/that's what elbows are for (re bath thermometer), and anything different to how it was when you were brought up. If you are lucky your own mother will be ok, but Mothers in law and elderly aunties will also put their views forward. Prepare to grow a thick skin as well as a bump!

[Belle]

ooh something I did find useful was the point that if you're near a hospital (which we are here obv) and do need to be taken in - it can actually be quicker or certainly no slower than getting moved to theatre whilst in hospital, as they can prep theatre etc while you're being brought in, will ring ahead to tell them they're bringing you in etc. haven't put this well but th ink someone articulated it better on the homebirth group thread.

[mjl]

I had my 2 boys at home and I would not have changed it for the world.

Both were through Oakwood, who were just amazing.

My first was 3 weeks early and weighed 6lb4oz and my second was bang on date and weighed 7lbs 4oz.

My first was around a 6 hour labour and my second was aroungd 20 minutes!

For my first I had my midwife with me and he was born in the bedroom and for my second, well, my next door neighbour delivered him (she is a swimming teacher btw) as it all happened soooooooo fast!

And still I would not have changed anything for the world.

I agree with Polly, you do what is right for you and your personal reasons, for me, I wanted to have a cup of tea in a bone china cup after the birth! I did not think I would get that in hospital.

As long as you are relaxed and happy thats all that matters. You do what is right for you

Good luck

Sue

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

This may be too much info, but here goes.

I really wanted a homebirth and I had a fabulous French midwife who was very supportive, but pointed out that I lived in a pokey, top floor flat with very narrow staircase. She thought, on balance, that if anything went wrong, it would be very difficult to get me down (certainly not on a stretcher), so I had my baby at King's. As it happened, it was a very good birth.

Some years later, I lost my flat and ended up in a hostel. Ghastly times, but the point is, that had I had my daughter at home, I would have been pretty suicidal everytime I went past my previous home. As it is, every time I pass King's I am filled with gratitude.

[littleEDfamily]

Sorry I seem to be posting a lot at the moment, but couldn't help but add my two pence worth about this.

We are planning a home birth, and I am amazed by the reactions it prompts, even from normally diplomatic people. My lovely brother in law, who never says anything controversial came straight out with "Well, you are putting preference over safety." I had to really scramble for a defence and came up with the fact that basically hospitals are filthy dirty places and people should really consider, if there are no contra-indications to homebirth, whether that is really a place you want to put yourself and your vulnerable child into unless you have to. Not the most brilliant argument, but it seems to shut people up. I throw in a few comments about MRSA, and blood spattered walls for good measure.

[anna75]

mm, tricky. I can see why you want a hb and, equally, I can see why relatives and friends are getting nervous about it.

Are any statistics available about safety/lack of incidents/lack of MRSA etc?

[The Nappy Lady]

Hi reren,

A quick 'download' of thoughts, sorry if any of it seems to be stating the 'bleedin obvious'

- As a Mum myself, and given you and your Mum are close I am guessing all her concerns are based on the fact that she is worried about the safety and welfar of you and the baby. So I think if you can you need to try to reassure her, and understand/validate her concerns rather than making her feel they have been dismissed. Then you can always say 'Mum, I do understand why you are worried, you are my Mum and that is what you are programmed to do, but X (partner) and I want to have a home birth if we can, we've thought about it long and hard, and we are going to do it. However, I promise, if the medical experts advise me to have a hospital birth at any point, even during labour itself I will of course take their advice and transfer.

- Depending on her age, her concerns may also be due to 'her generation' having been firmly programmed to consider birth to be a 'medical proceedure' rather than a natural process. I was my Mum's 6th baby, but despite having had home births before, in 1969 when she had me, at the age of 40 she was MADE to have me in hospital, because FORTY YEAR OLD WOMEN DIDNT HAVE BABIES!!!!!!! A good indication of how times have changed (I gave birth at home in 2008 at the grand age of 39 and she and I both laughed about the disparity).

- Does she ever come and visit? If so could you arrange for her to be with you for one of your ante natal appointments so she can ask some questions of the midwife? You can 'prime' your midwives about her concerns and hopefully she can allay some fears. Brierly also have meetings I think, certainly get togethers for mums and babies who have been under their care, again maybe you could arrange to attend one of those with her, and talk to some of the parents who have gone through it. I know some of them may have ended up in hospital, but even that may reassure her.

- I know Brierly could give you a rough idea of how many parents end up transferring, but also will be able to tell you the TEENY TINY amount that ever go in under a blue light....it is very, very rare. Most decide to go in calmly, with a sensible discussion and with all present in agreement that it is the right thing to do.

- Personally I FIRMLY believe that you are safer at home if a home birth is what you want, for a number of reasons;

1) You will feel more relaxed, in a 'safe' environment, of your own making and that you are in total control over. Don't underestimate the value of positivity during labour. Your body knows what to do, but needs to be 'free' to get on with it - interruptions, alien environments, car journeys to hospital all interfere with this (in my opinion). All this means you are more likely to have a better birth, allowing for of course some unavoidable circumstances than no one can predict.

2) At home you have 1-1 care from a midwife (with a 2nd midwife in attendance for the latter stages). In hospital the midwives are in and out of your room, and on a busy night can be quite literally run ragged. Again, I believe that any problems are going to be picked up much sooner by the midwife who is at your side from the moment you are in established labour. A Brierly midwife will already know you, and will be more sensitive to any 'changes' that may indicate that action is needed. If intervention is needed they may well pick up on it sooner than if you are in hospital, and as others have said, you can be taken in either under your own steam or by ambulance, and she can call ahead to have things ready at the hospital. For me the fact that Kings is 5-10 minutes away was a bit deciding factor, not that in the end we needed it. Also, an ex paramedic told me that whenever they get a call to a 'woman in labour, urgent', or 'new born with problems of some kind' it gets priority over pretty much any other call they may have and response time is often 3 to 4 minutes. I will add her that if not URGENT this may not be the case, one friend who laboured for about 1.5 days at home and eventually went to hospital waited about 2 hours for an ambulance as it was a busy day, and apart from her being tired there wasn't any medical reason for her to be a priority.

3) Hospitals are just plain nasty places, the beds are narrow and uncomfortable, the wards are noisy, the midwives can at times be over stretched (still wonderful, but working under very difficult circumstances).....and, let's be honest, full of sick people. Having had both of mine at home I actually really HATED taking them in as newborns so I could give blood to be accepted as a blood donor. Not that I am a hygiene freak, but it did feel all wrong taking my lovely, perfect newborn into a place that I knew probably had more than its fair share of germs lurking here and there. I don't mean this as a pop at any specific hospital, and if someone needs or wants a hospital birth I think they should have access to one, I'm just trying to explain how I felt about them, compared to a home birth.

4) Sometimes in hospital really little things can get overlooked that can make a huge difference to your first hours of being a Mum. A friend of mine had twins, and somehow they 'forgot' to tell her that her husband could stay the night with her to help. Post C section, she was left on a bed, with the call button out of reach, and the babies in cots, but unable to reach them or pick them up (due to the C section). She lay in bed sobbing until after about 4 or 5 hours a nurse happened to come across her. Said nurse was of course furious, and it all got sorted out....but how on earth was that allowed to happen. OK, twins - a very specific story, but I've heard of babies being given bottles against instructions etc. I dunno, maybe I'm just a control freak. Want my baby, under my control, to do what I want with from the minute she was in the world. Oh and having a bath, and then tea and toast in bed and tearing my eyes of her little face to watch the sun come up (first time around) was pretty amazing too.

5) Oh - just thought of this - in One Born Every Minute they always wrap the babies in towels before handing to the parents and it really upsets me. With both of mine we did skin on skin for about 2 hours after the birth, with a dressing gown/blanket or whatever wrapped over their back if need be. Skin on skin is REALLY important, and nothing better than just marvelling at their tiny feet, toes, hands etc. Don't wrap them up in towels and clothes (sob).

MY BIRTHS:

First baby - 5.5 hours of established labour, born at home in our bedroom, on the floor at the end of the bed. Born at dawn on a July day.

Second baby - 1.5 hours of established labour, born in a birth pool in our dining room, in front of a wood burning stove, by candle light on an October evening. One hour later a couple of neighbours dropped in by invitation and 8 of us were drinking champagne in the sitting room! Not for everyone I know, but close friends who had ridden the roller coaster ride to having our 2nd, and we were all just so happy to welcome that little girl into the world....finally.

Hope this helps. If I think of anything else I will post more, and do PM me if any questions, or anything else I could do to help?

As others have said, it is YOUR birth and you must do what you want, that is more important than anything. xx

Sorry this has ended up such a long post.

Molly

[buggie]

littleEDfamily, think that's a really unfair comment regarding hospitals - can kind of understand under pressure you might have blurted that out to silence your B-i-L, but it's hardly a measured and justified statement to try and stand by now. (I'm guessing with planned homebirths you don't do labour ward tours).

Reading on here often the opposite seems true and it sometimes feels that unless you're sorting out where the birthing pool will fit in the front room then you're just not going to have the "right" experience.

I'm already thinking about having a hospital delivery when the time comes to meet bubs as I was a forceps delivery and hubbie was a ventouse delivery following his Mum having a 48hr labour... with odds like that, and with it being my first, I don't want to risk not having specialists and equipment to hand.

I'm sure you've take a rational, balanced approach to making your decision - I am to mine as well.

I hope all goes well for you x

[The Nappy Lady]

buggie,

I don't think anyone on here is 'anti' hospital birth.....personally I firmly believe that choice is the key, no point trying to have a baby at home if you are going to feel nervous throughout labour etc. as that is most certainly not condusive to a good birth experience.

I never had a labour ward tour, though even as a planned home birth I was offered one. I don't think labour wards are filthy, but I do think hospitals in general are probably not the ideal environment to be in with a tiny baby if that makes sense. But of course it is horses for courses.

Can't speak for littleEDfamily but as you say I think that was just what came to mind in that moment.

My family were all supportive of home birth, but lots of other random people commented that I was 'brave' which I didn't feel at all, but I know that is just because of my own view of birth, and I was lucky to have births that back up these views (very lucky I know).

Hope all goes really well for you, and that you own baby comes into the world easier than you/your other half (perineal massage girl.....perineal massage!).

Molly

x

[littleEDfamily]

My original comments were flippant suggestions about how to shut people up if they are giving you unwanted advice about the risks of homebirths. But in fact they are quite accurate based on my experience of giving birth at Kings - I didn't feel particularly comfortable going to the loo in a shared bathroom spattered with other women's blood.

That said, I do genuinely believe that a hospital birth is not necessarily the safer option, which is the argument most people who disapprove of homebirths tend to make. All of us filter the information we are given about the relative risks of various births types(hospital/ c-section/ homebirth/ waterbirth) through a lens which is clouded by our fears, values and experiences - not to mention the opinions of others - and ultimately end up doing what is the least terrifying for us at the time, no matter how 'rational' we feel we are being about it.

On a much more practical note, the Nappy Lady has a very good suggestion about bringing your mum along to a midwife visit. My husband is pretty ambivalent about where we have the baby, but did have some vague concerns about us trying for a homebirth. He felt it really helped him to hear our midwife (Erika at the Lanes) outline in detail their approach to assessing risk during the lead up to the birth and during labour and the criteria they use to make medically informed decision about when to abandon a homebirth in the best interests of mum and baby. I recommend the horse's mouth, so to speak!

[snowboarder]

Reren if you continue to have a low risk pregnancy and your midwives are happy I would ignore everyone! My planned homebirth did not happen, I didn't really experience the labour ward (c section - one extreme to another!) but the 4 nights spent on the post natal ward is not an experience I EVER want to repeat (don't mean to sound too alarming - nothing really bad happened, I just hated it). To be tucked up in your own bed with your new baby....it must be SO much better!!

[littleEDfamily]

Seconded about the post-natal ward. I hated it too. My husband was instructed to leave straight after the birth pretty much, and there was no one to make me cups of tea on demand or change the channel for me. But even worse, I was in this alien place where I couldn't share my elation of having survived and having a real baby!

There I was, just a bruised, hungry woman, alone with her Blackberry. Surreal to say the least.

Now I really do have to stop posting on this Forum. Even I am getting bored of me :-$

[Ann]

Didn't have Blackberries when my children were born. Come to think of it I still haven't got one!;-)

[reren]

thanks to everyone for your messages - and there are some really useful tips here! think i may just forward all your posts to my mum!! I love the idea of tea and toast in bed afterwards - but I'm also determined not to get too hung up about any particular type of birth. I've seen a number of friends really distressed that their births didn't go as planned - so as much as possible, i'm trying to hope for the best but be prepared for the whole experience to be full of surprises! Anyway - I really appreciate your thoughts and advise - i am loving this site - such a lovely supportive place to ask about things! We only moved to east dulwich a year ago and i'm feeling so pleased to have got pregnant here! Think pregnancy is making me gushy - going to shut up now. but thanks all

[laurac]

Buggie

I just wanted to pick up on your statement that because you and your partner were 'difficult' births this might have some bearing on how you deliver. My mum had a horrific, extremely traumatic, 48 hour birth with me (hallucinations and all sorts) and I was delivered with the really horrible forceps that they don't use any more (I hope) - she should have had a cesarean but there was no anesthetist on duty. I delivered my 9lb 4oz daughter at home with no complications. I am not telling you this to try and influence your decision, or make any judgement about where you choose to have your baby at all. It just sounds like you think there might be some connection between your mothers experience and what yours will be and I am pretty certain that there doesn't have to be any connection at all so please don't let this prey on your mind. I completely agree with Molly that going into labour with a positive attitude has a major impact, wherever you have your baby.

I found out after my home birth that my mum had been terrified for me (because of her own labouring experiences) - but she never said anything to me to make me worry about my decision - am very lucky I guess!

[apenn]

Reren, I feel your pain. Not only did I opt to have a home birth, but I'm from the States where when you say "midwife" to someone you may as well be saying "witch doctor." I tried to do a little persuiding using as many facts as I could about the safety of home births, but in the end sometimes you just have to draw a line and say this is the decision I've taken, discussion over. My mother-in-law (British), who is a nurse, was very supportive though and her nursing friends were all very impressed and wanted to know all about it.

Of course, I understand that our parents feel this way only out of love and concern for us. I think in some ways it must be quite hard for parents to see their children become parents.

I also wanted to pick up on buggies comment. I don't think that there is any correlation between the type of birth your parents had and the one you may have. I was induced, my sister was late, and my husband's mother had quite a long labour. My son was born two weeks before his due date with about 2 hrs of established labor. In fact, he would have been born at home regardless of whether we had planned it or not!

To katgod - granted my labour was short, but the "mess" was not terrible and mostly taken care of by the midwives before they left. There was a bit of laundry to do, but that's been the case pretty much ever since!

-A

[Fuschia]

AS one of the main problems in hospital is MWs having to deal with too many women at once, homebirth is likely to besafer IMO! And easy short transfer if it becoesm necessary. Few emergencies manifest in minutes... most are after a failure to progress.

[The Nappy Lady]

Re our Mums reactions.....my Mum was at my first birth and said it was harder than her own labours watching me do it.....and the next day she was full of aches and pains because she had literally lived every contraction with me.

I guess one day I may find out what it is like, must be so hard to see your own'baby' having a baby.

Molly

[sophiechristophy]

Hi Reren,

Just wanted to let you know that we just started a little home birth support group, which met last week at the dulwich park cafe and was a really lovely way to meet other expectant mum's who are planning home births, and also some great mums who have already had homebirths who very generously shared their experiences with everyone. We are planning on meeting again towards the middle/end of April, so if you fancy it please come along :)

It is a very laid back group, and some of the mum's have had hospital births as well as home births, so very open minded in terms of being open to whatever your birth brings you.

I will post about the next meeting in the next week or so.

All the best with your plans, and remember to trust your instincts. It's your baby and your birth after all :)

Sophie

[Smiler]

Re. your Mum I agree with Fuschia on the approach.

Re. other people, try to ignore them and don't feel that you have to justify your decisions in any way (about the birth or anything that follows). What people say - and how they say it - with respect to others' fertility / childbirth / parenting never ceases to amaze me!

[Knomester]

Hi reren

I've faced the same reaction as you (I'm just past 20 weeks), but thankfully mym mum has been supportive. We're not close as you are with your mum, but she is a trained nurse / health visitor and now lectures in healthcare and childcare, so I think she looks at it objectively rather than emotionally.

It amazes me how strong other people's views are on homebirth when I am sure they know little about it in reality. It's very difficult to just ignore people when they are so negative - I've found it quite upsetting at times and have questioned my own opinions - but ultimately it is for you and your partner to decided. You're the one who needs to feel comfortable in your surroundings when the time comes.

I'm hoping to go along to the next meeting that Sophie organises (see above) so maybe see you there!