Girlfriends & Boyfriends

[ed_pete]

It's hard to generalise I know but at what age would you feel comfortable about your son/daughter having a girlfriend/boyfriend ?

[EDmummy]

21!

[Pickle]

Such a hard question - my kids aren't even close to being at that stage yet (I'm hoping I've got at least another 15 years before I need to think about it!). I remember having "boyfriends" at around age 10 - 12, however they really were in name only, I wasn't allowed to go out anywhere with them, so used to literally just see them at school.

My parents were very strict (which I thank them for now, but didn't appreciate at the time) and I wasn't allowed to go out on a "date" until I was around 16.

[newcomer]

In my view, it totally, totally depends on how innocent the 'girlfriend/boyfriend' thing is.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 11 and it was laughably innocent. We mainly ignored each other, and occasionally went to the cinema/bowling with a bunch of other kids, where we would either hold hands in an embarrassed fashion or would throw popcorn at each other. He bought me a Valentine's card, and I bought him a chocolate bar in the shape of a heart. We 'broke up' a few weeks later. My father made sure that we were rarely in a situation where we could be alone together for a long time (eg, he was insistent on picking us up after any night out), and I don't think we were ever allowed to be in a bedroom together, so we had limited opportunities to get up to any trouble.

I know plenty of people that had their first boyfriends/girlfriends much younger - even as young as 5 - but, again, in my view it's generally fine as long as it's an innocent childlike relationship, which is monitored by the parents.

I'm guessing you're concerned about your own kid? If so, perhaps the best thing would be to be 'neutral' about the relationship (saying 'no' outright to things like this tends to make kids even more secretive ...), but make sure that you've met the girlfriend/boyfriend in question and that your own kid is aware of the boundaries and rules. And when the relationship breaks up, be there to support them if needed - heartbreak can feel like the end of the world when you're young.

hope this helps.

[ed_pete]

The offspring in question is 14 so I think the innocence has worn off. Thanks for your replies so far - anyone else want to add their thoughts ?

[minder]

I don't think I would feel comfortable with my nearly 14 year old daughter having a boyfriend, especially if he was two, three, four years older. I know it would be hard but I would try to discourage it in the hope that it would peter out and encourage her to concentrate on her friends/school for the time being.

[Ann]

Personally I think it's too young, I don't think youngsters of that age can really cope with the emotional demands whatever they might be.

However I do believe it can be innocent and it would be unfair to judge a child who's experimenting with relationships. I do think many can have platonic relationships. Lets not kid ourselves, teenagers have sex but I suspect the levels are pretty low in households where there is strong parental guidance; an awful lot of young people live with very little parental control and will be easily subjected to peer pressure.

My 16 and 14 year old both go to single sex schools. Certainly my daughter mixes with boys outside of achool. I don't think she has a boyfriend but frankly if she chooses not to tell I'm none the wiser. I hope this isn't the case but you can't keep your eye on them 24/7 at that age, trust me you can't.

Ed-pete, the best advice is to be open with your child. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. A cliche but building up trust and honesty with your teenager is IMO by far and away the way forward. Say no to everything and your child will rebel, show some tolerance and you might get surprising results.

The very fact that you've posted this topic tells me your teenager has the good fortune to have a concerned parent. Good luck.

[Clazza]

I had my first boyfriend at 14 but it was just holding hands, going out with friends to cinema, bowling etc, a bit of kissing. Having always had a open, honest relationship with my parents & lots of trust. I never felt tempted to get more serious, we didn't stay over, or be around at one anothers houses without parents. Knew 'it' was illegal before 16 & actually waited until I was older & in a serious relationship. So all depends on your child & how you both feel.

[pebbles]

I know you probably don't want to hear this Ed-pete but i got up to mischief at 14 - not LOADS of mischief - but enough to know my parents wouldn't have liked it!! Prob was my mum was v v strict (father didn't live with us) so i had to lie and I had enough friends with very lenient parents which was where I went.

I think when my children are of that age and they had boy/girlfriends i would always have them round to my house so i knew what they were up to. Give them privacy ie let them watch tv in the sitting room on their own but not up to the bedroom perhaps.

I may be totally wrong and it is totally innocent but I think it's better to be cautious!!

Good luck

[Smiler]

At 14 I knew lots of people at school who were in relationships, some of which were sexual relationships, often with boys who were several years older. Understand from friends of mine with much younger siblings that this is even more the case now.

When I was 16 I went out with a 21-year-old parents'-nightmare for a little while, my Mum was beside herself, I didn't understand it at the time, but still makes me cringe looking back! Reckon he wouldn't have appealed so much if they hadn't disapproved so much though.

At 14, relationships are unlikely to be completely "innocent", but to me it would seem unreasonable to have a total ban. Maybe better to discuss sex, boundaries, curfews etc.

I would rather know what is going on, even if I didn't like it!

[sillywoman]

My 14 year old has just had her first boyfriend. It lasted 2 weeks before she finished with him. In that time they held hands, and that's about it (I think!). She usually met him as part of a boyfriend/ girlfriend group with some of her friends, & I think she was more interested in the experience of 'having a boyfriend' rather than the reality of it. It was all very sweet really, but she has a good group of friends and I think she's more interested in hanging out with them, a 'real' boyfriend would take up too much time - a bit like a hamster or new pet, all very exciting initially, but it's not long before interest drops away & Mum that ends up cleaning the cage (only there's definitely no 'Mum' in the boyfriend scenario!). Still, it was a lovely first experience, & it all seemed entirely age appropriate to me.

Wonder what's coming next?!