AlleynAlleyn

Sun.

Solution. 1. Send all the kids to the nearest comprehensive. It will be good for them. Sink or swim. 2. Calculate how much it would have cost you to send one of them to the fee-paying school, per month. 3. Once per month, spend that amount of money on you and your partner in an activity not involving the kids. Weekends away, massages, 5 star grub etc., etc. 4. Show the kids photos reflecting how glorious was your experience. Tell them if them if they work hard at school they will be able to enjoy similar experiences when they are older.

"Men who sit with their legs wide apart on the tube." An experiment for the ladies: 1. take two medium-sized potatoes and a medium-sized carrot. 2. Place them inside your panties to the front and between your legs. 3. Sit on the tube. 4. Close your legs tightly. 5. Imagine that the potatoes and carrots contain nerves connected to the pain centres in your brain. Alternatively go a different way after 1. and you can end up with a nice vegetable soup.

The voice on the buses: try riding with your eyes closed, and imagine being blind, all the time.

WARNING: THE EVENTS DESCRIBED IN THIS POSTING MAY HAVE BEEN ILLEGAL. EDF DISCLAIMER BLAH, BLAH. I used to live opposite a small factory. It had a dodgy alarm that went off several times per week, always in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. Calls to the Police had no effect. They called the owner who came next morning each time - after the alarm had been ringing all night. Several times various groups of neighbours sent letters to the factory owner asking them to repair the hair-trigger alarm. They did not. They did not reply. Here is what solved the problem. 1. I got a step ladder and a large screwdriver. 2. I put the ladder against the wall and climbed up it. 3. Using the screwdriver I carefully removed the cover of the alarm box. 4. I carefully disconnected all visible wires inside the box. 5. I descended the ladder, and put a note through the factory door informing the owner the alarm was disabled. 6. I returned home, rang the local Police station and told them what I had done. The officer on the line laughed. 7. I went to sleep. Consequently within 24 hours the alarm was repaired and did not go off again during the further 12 months I lived opposite the factory.

Ah the complexities of national identities! Quite right that St George was not English. Just as St Patrick was not irish. And "Scot" was a Roman name for an Irish tribe that settled on the mainland. And "Welsh" comes from an old Anglos-Saxon word meaning "foreigner" (Wealas). And the Welsh call their country Cymru, which derives from the Latin word "combrogi" meaning, roughly, fellow-countrymen. And Celt comes from the Greek word "keltoi" meaning foreigners but with a distinctly disparaging tone. And the Germans don't call themselves Germans (another Roman appellation) but Deutsch, remarkably like the Dutch calling themselves Dutch. And those Amish people known as the Pennsylvania Dutch are really from Germany (whoops, Deutschland). And French and France derive from a small but militarily effective Germanic (that's Deutsch) tribe the Franks, who took over the country back whenever. And Lombardy comes from the Lombards, a Scandinavian tribe who wandered south as the Roman Empire was falling apart. Just like Burgundy and the Scandinavian Burgundians. And Andalucia comes from the Arabic name - El Andalus. The Russians, of course began as Swedes. America's Indians were not Indian. The Falklands are Las Malvinas if you live in Buenos Aires. Not to mention the thorny issue of where Dulwich starts and ends, is West Dulwich really West Norwood etc., etc. So much simpler to leave behind the romanticism of nationalism with all the conflicts and wars it generates, sigh. How about a "non-national" day, where we go to the EDT wearing anything except national symbols, talk to each other in love and harmony about World Peace? Meanwhile to reflect the local area surely the EDT should be running Polish and Lithuanian national days? But not at the same time, please.

"I have always found it great, the main problem was a few years back when word got out and instead of families from Jags or Alleyns and around the 'village', people who all knew each other, we were overun with a slightly less desirable suburban crowd from ED, all low slung pants and oversized pushchairs." Yeah, it's terrible to be in a situation where people don't all know each other. Bit like a large modern city LOL! We must stand together and fight to retain Dulwich Village's non-suburban status!!! Anyone remember the shock and outrage back in the 70s at the BBC TV comedy "The Gnomes of Dulwich"? No second series for that outrage!!!!

Being new to both the EDF and the WDF (why no DVF?) I am fascinated at the many, many threads and postings over the months about how everyone from East / West Dulwich is a chavy ponce or a stuck up toff or whatever. I suggest we settle all this East vs West stuff the good old-fashioned way. An organised punch up. Think of the fight scene from Gangs of New York. Winners get exclusive access to Dulwich Village. And the losers have to shut their forum down - forever. If East loses, they get renamed South Peckham and wear shell suits until the end of time. Ditto if West loses, renamed as East West Norwood, and a compulsory diet of burger and chips for ever. Very important to agree in advance the acceptable weapons range. I suggest chariot units use those ginormous baby buggies - the sort that seem not to fold down anymore when taken into crowded cafes. Currently being modified to replace Humvees in Iraq. One person in each, armed with oven-hardened ciabattas, to be pushed by no more than two pushers. (Or one Polish nanny.) Items for throwing to involve any of the many forms of local listing / chat / glossy ads magazines - SE21 Magazine (and all the other postcodes), Dulwich Life, Female Beauty Products Illustrated, Living South etc., etc. Good to find something useful to do with them all at last. But suggest all articles by Dulwich Mum be removed first - so toxic they will infringe International Law about chemical weapons, war crimes etc. Equivalent to medieval boiling oil for chucking in eyes to be skinny decaf soya lattes or balsamic vinegar. But not both combined - see above. If hostilities run over into the following Monday, all Nanny combatants to have the day off, of course. Finally, WW1-style Western Front truces to be arranged every 30 minutes for parties to get together and discuss house prices, best nurseries, and recommend estate agents. Additional suggestions welcome. Finally, time and place - to allow for planning and training, I suggest April 1st at 12.00 outside the Dog and Hat. See you all there . . . Meanwhile, drinks party for all those Dulwich residents who do not care about East / West: inside the Dog and Hat at the same time. Seats by the front windows. Bring camcorders for posterity and enjoy the free show.