Rhinestone Cowboy

Tevez off to Man City Ronald0one off to Real Madrid red army going down

Zhirkov to join Chelsea The Russia international will leave CSKA Moscow to sign a four-year contract at Stamford Bridge, according to Tvoi Den, the Russian newspaper. Roman Abramovich, the Chelsea owner, is reported to have negotiated a $30million (approximately ?18.6m) fee for the midfielder. Just what Chelsea need another midfield player. I will be supporting Chelsea tomorrow.. Always go with the London team apart from Spurs natch.

Arsenal 2 Stoke 0 Aston Villa 1 Newcastle 1 Blackburn 1 West Brom 0 Fulham 1 Everton 0 Hull 1 Man Utd 2 Liverpool 4 Tottenham 0 Man City 1 Bolton 0 Sunderland 0 Chelsea 3 West Ham 2 Middlesbrough 0 Wigan 1 Portsmouth 1 Hull Boro and Brom down Spurs 8th West ham 9th both finish 51 points Well played Man U shame about Liverpool really wanted them to win it this year

The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door in Leicester and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still ?5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?". The man replied, "Blackpool .." "Really", she said. "I have family in Blackpool .." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her attorney. She asked me to give you your ?15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay ." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town Where the girls are."

Bolton 1 Hull 1 ( Hull holding on ) Everton 2 West Ham 0 Man Utd 0 Arsenal 1 ( Thriller at Hull next week ) Middlesbrough 0 Aston Villa 3 ( down down down ) Newcastle 1 Fulham 1 Stoke 2 Wigan 1 Tottenham 0 Man City 4 Chelsea 4 Blackburn 0 West Brom 0 Liverpool 5 Portsmouth 1 Sunderland 0 It's all getting a bit tight at the bottom

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint anything but stella. Barman asks why not stella? Bloke goes last night I had 12 pints and when I came round I was f**king Skint. Barman goes 12 pints of all largers cost the same. Bloke replies Skint is my dogs name. Happy friday

Updated football predictor Man utd 88 Liverpool 86 Chelsea 83 Arsenal 72 west ham 8th 52 Spurs 10th 49 Hull Middlesbr west brom anything can happen in next 5 mins and usually does Not happy about Man Utd winning again but they have been outstanding this year when you look at how many games they have played.

Real Madrid 2-6 Barcelona Hmm good luck Chelsea

Act proffessional on the pitch and get the respect of everyone, JT captain of England should let his feet do the talking

It aint cheap but it's very nice http://www.katikies.com/santorini-hotels/index.html best sunsets in the world.

Chelsea 1 Everton 0 Man Utd 1 Portsmouth 1 Bolton 2 Aston Villa 2 Everton 2 Man City 0 Fulham 1 Stoke 1 Hull 1 Liverpool 4 Man Utd 4 Tottenham 0 West Brom 0 v Sunderland 0 West Ham 1 Chelsea 2 Arsenal 1 Middlesbrough 0 Blackburn 2 Wigan 0 Newcastle 2 Portsmouth 1

Yup sorry Freud joke was very very funny. first class. thanks for that

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

setting of the alarms outwide Bullwood Hall Womens Prison in Essex, age 16 place lit up like a Christmas tree while we were showing our bits to the screaming ladies. 4 police Cars turned up very quickly thinking the ladies had done a bunk. oh how we laughed done the station at that one

setting of the alarms outwide Bullwood Hall Womens Prison in Essex, age 16 place lit up like a Christmas tree while we were showing our bits to the screaming ladies. 4 police Cars turned up very quickly thinking the ladies had done a bunk. oh how we laughed done the station at that one

West Ham United will be taken over by a consortium of international banks in the coming weeks. Icelandic government-appointed officials running the stricken investment bank Straumur are set to take control from Bjorgolfur ?Gudmundsson at Upton Park as they seek to recover the money lost in the collapse of that nation's economy.

I think motorbikes in bus lanes are a great idea as well, be nice if they opened them all up rather than having to check if you are aloowed in them. I always try to give cycles a wide birth and to wave thanks when they move to the side.

Looks like Hull Boro and Brom are going down.

nice tool from the BBC, enter ye scores for rest of the season and update the table at the bottom and see who is going to win. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/predictor/default.stm I have Liverpool winning by goal difference on 86 points chelsea 3rd 85 points Arsenal 4th 70 points going down Hull Middlesborough and West Brom irons finish 8th behind Everton and Fulham. off to the bookies I go enjoy

Well played to Spurs over w/e, thought it was going to be a draw but Pavluychenko made the difference. We are missing Cole and Ashton we have no real striker threat. Just hope we stay above you. In two minds about Europa cup be good to get some cash but the team is already stretched so maybe next season would be better.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.