SuperManny

It's in use. Aaron on Beauval Road xx

As a mother 'WorkingMummy' you can adjust the above points to suit your scenario!! WorkingMummy wrote: "It is very, very obvious what has made them angry at any one time (although sometimes a challenge to accept/dig their reasoning)" No it's not that easy, I work with under 5s as well and the trigger don't just jump out and show themselves to you! All I am saying is make a note of what triggers your child might have. For example the 4 year old I work with wanted to ride her bike to school on Monday. Now if I had said NO {bluntly} then she would have had a melt down. The fact I knew this would happen I discussed over breakfast with her older siblings that it won't be possible to take the bikes today but how about we take the sledges meant I had prevented a melt down that previously had been inevitable ! WorkingMummy wrote: So, I'm talking about (completely age-appropriate) TOTAL, immediate, heart-broken melt downs over, for example, not being able to take a new library book into the bath with them. If you have a child that has a melt down over taking a new library book in the bath with them, that the child has not had someone say to them. "Now it's bathtime, we can play with the toys in the bath and read our 'water books' {as I call them}. Then when we get out we can sit together and read your new book" It's all in the way we speak to children! In 6 years I have never been 'the instigator' of a melt down but almost always been the 'preventer' or 'healer' - picking up the pieces afterwards. WorkingMummy wrote: Or uncontrollable, frustrated, thrashing out and raging because, for some logistical reason or other which means nothing from the child's point of view, we cannot walk home from nursery via the park today A child from the age of !!! 2 !!!!! can take responsibility for THEIR actions. IMHO - any child that thrashes out for the reason of anger should be put on 'a time out' of some description! Speak to them and explain, also give alternatives or give them what they want in fantasy ! YES get a notepad out and write "Sammy wishes he could go to the park" or "Sammy wishes he could have an ice-cream" TRUST me it works and stops the horrible melt downs in the seriously expensive gift shops! OH and yes getting the to breath slowly helps! I'm not saying force them to do all of that step but maybe just the breathing part! WorkingMummy wrote: argue with your spouse in the garden so the kids don't hear" thing is a bit f'd up to be frank. Our kids see us argue sometimes, and they see us work it out. There's no point hiding disagreement under the carpet or in the back yard! This is not an issue as it doesn't involve violence but I would like to add when I worked as a Nanny when the parents would argue in front of their kids, they later developed a sense of disrespect for others as they thought it could be fixed and I quote "work it out"! The kids were 8 and 11 but even though your son is 4 he's taking it all in! First year at school will show this, trust me I've been on the end of listening to kids explain how they're parents argue and then they think they can back chat school staff! Finally on this point, common sense prevails. No one to watch the kids then wait till they're in bed. Penultimate point! I don't like putting children into categories, something I DON'T do and IMHO people who do are not doing the right thing in terms of the child! Again I read the book but adapt it to the situation I face. Last point, eye contact is not a must but if they are upset about something then YES you should look at them! How would you feel? Regards SuperManny

Any Nannies / Au Pairs out there that want to meet for coffee / late breakfast after school drop off? Reply to this thread and then we can arrange a venue Aaron - Super Manny

Maybe a daft question but anyone need a babysitter? I'm a local Nanny in Dulwich and I'm free most evenings after 18.30. My number is 07784672157 Thanks Aaron

Hi I'm a local Nanny in Dulwich looking for evening work My number is - 07784672157 Happy to meet for coffee before if you wish Thanks Aaron

No problem. This morning whilst Winter cleaning I found a book I have read over 10 times. How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk Authors = Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054 A great book with pictures that walks you through scenarios, there are also 'mini assignments' that get you to think like your child/ren in certain scenarios. The book completely altered how I spoke to children and young people with immediate visible effects. There is a book for those that have teenagers: http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=pd_sim_b_4 Once both are read I can certainly say having children will become 'enjoyable' and not feel like a job or a stress! A little thought - How many times has your child come to you with a problem and you've been loading the washing machine or peeling the potatoes (etc.) and you've continued to talk to them but had no eye contact. I guess lots because we all lead 'hectic' lives. Well just by stopping what your doing and making eye contact, even maybe putting your hand on their shoulder or holding their hand(s) as they speak helps them believe you truly are listening and really care. If it is bullying or someone has physically hurt your child then putting your hand on their shoulder lets them know they're 'safe' and don't respond to what they're saying with lengthy lectures instead use 'Oh' 'Ummm' and 'I see' these are connectives and allows your child to bridge their discussion easily especially if they are nervous about talking to you. Feel free to follow my Blog http://thesupermanny.blogspot.co.uk/ Super Manny

Hi Not got any suggestions for books, but below is tips I've used with all ages of children. I am a Male Nanny in Dulwich and have worked in a London Primary School as a Behaviour Mentor. I would be willing to come and help you out implementing any of the points below, just give me a shout. Regards Super Manny (Aaron Gardner) Step 1. Identify Your Child?s Anger Warnings Explain to your child that we all have our own little signs that warn us we?re getting angry, and that we should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs s/he may have that tell her she?s starting to get upset. For example: ?Looks like you?re tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?? Other signs: Identify your child?s unique anger signs. ?Flushed cheeks ?Clenched fists ?Pounding heart ?Dry mouth ?Rapid breathing ?Each child has different signs. The key is to identify your child?s unique anger signs. Anger escalates quickly. If a child waits until he is in ?Melt down? to get himself back into control, it?s too late?and so are you to try and help him. Watch for your child?s signs! They come split seconds before that meltdown. Each of us have our own unique ?anger warnings? and your child is no different. If you want proof, ask your child what your sign is. Believe me, most children home-in and identify their parents? signs: ?You always do that weird thing with your eyes, Mum!? Or ?You always put your glasses down on your nose, Dad!? Children know our signs. The trick is helping them recognize their signs. Step 2. Recognize Potential Anger Triggers Every child has certain cues that trigger deeper frustrations and unresolved conflicts that may resort in angry outbursts. For example: Your child may feel unappreciated in your family, may feel inadequate in a competitive classroom environment, or may suffer from low self-esteem. The key is to identify what causes the anger in your child and help him be aware of it when it occurs. What are your child?s unique anger triggers? Once you create that list, ask yourself if anything on there can be reduced or cut so as to temper that anger. For instance: ?Can you and your spouse vow to have those arguments in the backyard or elsewhere and not in front of the children? ?If that violent video game seems to be triggering your child?s outbursts, what about replacing it with a healthier alternative? ?If your child is too upset on that soccer team, does he really need to play? Watch for your child?s unique triggers that cause him to be irritable, frustrated and upset. Cut those things that can be reduced. Step 3. Develop a Feeling Vocabulary Many children display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting because they simply don?t know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotion vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your child develop one. Here are a few emotion words: ?angry, ?upset, ?mad, ?frustrated, ?agitated, ?furious, ?apprehensive, ?tense, ?nervous, ?anxious, ?irritated, ?furious, ?ticked off and ?irate. When your child is angry, use the words so that he can apply them to real life: ?Looks like you?re really angry. Want to talk about it?? ?You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?? Your goal is to have your child be able to label his upset feelings to you ? without the inappropriate outburst. And when he does, acknowledge and reinforce it! You will have to honour your child when he does share an upset feeling, ?I?m so angry!!!? Let him vent. It?s better to share the emotion than to hit or have an outburst. He needs some way to express those angry feelings appropriately! Hint: If your child is nonverbal, you may want to consider teaching a nonverbal gesture or sign language to help him express the feelings. Step 4. Teach Healthy Anger Management Skills Find the best anger management strategy that fits your child. Then practice, practice, practice it in calm moments until your child can use it without you. There are many strategies that children can learn to help reduce intense, unhealthy anger. Not all strategies work for all children. The secret is to find the technique that works best for your child and then practice, practice, practice until it becomes a habit. Here a few of the most successful anger management techniques I've taught children. ?Tear anger away. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and ?throw the anger away.? He can also use the concept by imaging that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces. ?Use self-talk. Teach a simple, positive message your child can say to himself in angry moments. For example, ?Stop and calm down.? ?Stay in control.? Or ?I can handle this.? ?Teach abdominal breath control. Teach the method with your child sitting in a comfortable position, their back straight and pressed into a chair for support. Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation. ?Teach ?1 + 3 + 10.? Explain the formula: ?As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you?re losing control, do three things. oFirst, stop and say: ?Be calm.? That?s 1. oNow take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That?s 3. oFinally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That?s 10. oPut them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and doing it helps you calm down and get back in control.? ?Draw away your anger. When working at a primary school I found giving a young boy a sketch pad helped him ?draw away his anger.? Some children then take the paper depicting their anger, tear it into tiny pieces and toss it away others chose to keep it and others use it to point to how they?re feeling at a later date (non-verbal signal, rather than an outburst) Find what works for your child to calm down. Then turn that new way into a habit! Teach your child that while he can be upset, he may not resort to physical means to display his upset feelings. Each time he uses aggression (kicking, biting, pinching, etc.). He will go to a ?calm down? place. Step 5. Use time Out When Inappropriate Anger Persists Children who are quick to anger often need an adult to help calm them down. So create a place where your child can go to regulate his behaviour. I suggest you ask your child to help create that spot. A child must be removed from any social setting for aggressive behaviour (that?s ?Time Out?).Remember to stay calm yourself. If you yell or scold, an angry child only gets angrier. Your child needs you to stay in control so s/he can stay in control. Just calmly state: ?That?s hitting. You can?t hit when you?re angry. You need to go to Time Out.? (Or call it the ?Calm Down? spot). Step 6. Create ?Time In? Spots to Help Alleviate Outbursts Replacing inappropriate anger is a slow process. An angry child needs much more ?Time Ins? (positives moments) than ?Time Outs.? Look for those moments to acknowledge your child?s attempts ? even fleeting ones ? to try and stay in control. Your ultimate goal is for your child to recognize s/he is getting upset and needs to take their own ?Time Out.? Help your child create a spot where they can go to ?stress down? or ?relax.? Better yet, have your child create his own spot! When that stress starts to kick in, you or your child recognizes the anger sign(s) showing up, or your child is in a situation with people who often trigger his outbursts. ?Easy to anger? children can go from Code Green to Code Red in seconds. Stay calm and direct them to a ?stress-free zone? or a place that is away from the stress scene. Remember, your own anger or stress can trigger your child?s anger. Children mirror adults? behaviour. I suggest to parents that they set up a spot that is quiet but not punishing. Set it up (your child can help) with a beanbag, an MP3 player with soothing music, playdoh, a stress ball ?anything your child feels is helpful and calming. Encourage your child to go to that ?calm down? spot. And when your child says, ?I?m getting angry!? celebrate! He is beginning to learn self-control! Learning anger management skills to replace those inappropriate outbursts and aggression may take time. Hang in there!