cuppa tea

We all do better in the subjects that we are interested in. That's how learning really works. I mean, what can we all really remember from school? I have certainly learnt more since I left! Ironically I think some children (probably the ones who are supported by loving families) who don't do so well at school tend to do better in life. They have found other skills to compensate for academic ability...which let's face it is mostly remembering random facts and figures and how good you are at spewing it over a page in exam conditions. Having a 2 boys myself I can really see that my son (who stared reception this September) is not ready or interested in reading/writing. That is all the school are interested in though...not the amazing things he can build out of Lego, or how he can run, jump, headstand and balance on a bike. SW - can you son take GCSE's a year or 2 later instead? Someone even told me yesterday that you don't need GCSE's to do A-levels, which I thought was interesting.

There are bound to be 'late developers' when we start children in school at the ridiculously early age of 4. I wonder if they are then condemned to stay as 'late developers' because they made to feel by teachers/parents that they are behind in some way and so need more special help and teaching, which then probably aggravates the problem and makes them feel like failures...when really they are just teaching academics to some children too soon. To have successes in the system you have to have the failures, or the whole fascade crumbles and the success means nothing. Schools know this and factor it in.

My lad, also very lively with boundless energy, dropped his nap at 2 years. It's really stressful forcing them to have a nap at that age, not that you can really force a person to sleep anyway, but it's easier to accept it and find ways to give yourself a break. I would stick the telly on for an hour and don't worry about it! If you still feel guilty, sit there with him and chat about the programmes.

Take the pressure off and try again later? 3 is very young and an age when the imagination/new fears seem to go crazy. Water can be frightening, but feeling the pressure to have to do something he doesn't want to do, or is not ready to do, is likely to push him in the opposite direction. What's the rush?

I didn't think Fuschia was specifically talking about baby led weaning was she? i read it as someone helpfully trying to put across the babies perspective on being fed. Wasn't it done slightly tongue in cheek? Noone is saying anyone is a bad mother, or judging them for feeding their babies purees - now that is dramatic! Personally, and this goes against current advice, but a 7 month old baby is probably just not that interested in food yet. We are told an arbitrary 6 months for weaning, but neither of mine have shown any interest whatsoever until they were well over a year. They were still breastfed and not even slightly underweight. My first was fed purees and finger food, my second refused to take anything off a spoon. I don't think BLW is the issue....getting frustrated and upset over your children not eating is just not worth it! It's a waste of precious maternal energy.

Also would recommend giving yourself a break and do smorgasbord type meals instead and let them pick up what they want off the plate. Bit of this and bits of that. Somehow more seems to get eaten and they can choose what they fancy.

Fuschia Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > > > Weaning is a child's way of letting you know you > can't control another human being There is nothing more unpleasant than a power struggle over food. It's taken me a second child and relaxing with the first one to realise that they really do know what their own bodies need. A big lesson in trusting your kids, but it does mean they are likely to have a healthier relationship with food as well as a healthier body.

If you can manage to string a couple of sentences together on a forum, and you do, then you're coping fine! ;) Personally I think you found a good compromise.

Hopefully this doesn't sound harsh, but I kind of think it's probably your decision to make, rather than your husband's. It's you who is doing most of the childcare, and you who it all has an impact on. Presumably you would also be doing the nursery drop offs and settling in? Though honestly I don't understand the points you made about his language taking off when he is with other 2 year olds. He will be getting his language development from being around you and you communicating with him, rather than from other 2 year olds who are also learning to speak...and probably don't do it as well as his mum! I would say the same for socialising too. Mostly 2 year olds seem to parallel play and are not particularly interested in playing with each other. My little boy only started being interested in others at around 3 ish, probably even later. I started my son at nursery at 2.5 for a couple of mornings a week, but with hindsight it wasn't the best idea for him. Your son is of course a different person. I was expecting a new baby and kept hearing "you'll need a break when the baby comes along", and "he needs to get used to being away from you for when he starts school". He found nursery quite hard and wasn't ready to socialise with 30 or so other kids. But they are all different and if your son is fine with you parting from you and seems happy when he is there and on pick up, then you could follow his lead on it. It could also be that the boredom and frustrations with life revolving around the baby are mainly because he has a new sibling, with all that entails. He is probably frustrated at inevitably having to share his mum. I would make sure that he really does want to go to nursery on his terms and that doesn't feel pushed out.

Saffron Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > new mother Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > In cave terms, surely total - not just partial, > > SW- submission of the mother to the egotistical > > monster is best? > > This way, the squealer gets at least one strong > > adoring parent to protect him or her. > > Yes and no. Our species is gragarious, not > solitary. So in 'cave terms' there would have > been a clan of women all helping eachother. In > naturally gregarious species, where it would be to > the detriment of the group to have the mother > overly-focused on the baby/child, then other women > (and, yes, men) would have helped too. And that's > the wonderful thing about humans, that we are > flexible and not all made the same. But we don't > all have large families anymore or live near > extended groups of friends who can help. So, > sometimes, the mother becomes the only and > highly-focused carer b/c there is no one else to > do so. And in this case, many women will struggle > with an identity crisis. There are as many > different solutions to postpartum identity crises > as there are women in the world! xx Thanks Saffron, that is amazingly well explained. It makes sense then why there is so much focus now on mothering. We are probably all a little bit lost, out on our own in our nuclear family units, without any real feeling that we are contributing to our 'group'. I have found the parenting world to be very 'me me me mine mine mine'. The moments of other mums/dads reaching out are rarer than I would have hoped. I think that the being 'overly focused' on your child is fairly unavoidable, but it's probably adding to the selfishness problem for future generations.

Yes, I agree - ED is generally a lovely community of women. I've made some amazing friends here and had a sense of belonging like nowhere else. It's worth scratching behind the surface of people.

gwod Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Maybe it's a parent of schoolchildren thing > then...I think I'd like it more If I were out and > about hunting for conkers with the kids instead of > sending them off dressed in acrylic with a packed > lunch! This is very sweet! Most of the comments I hear lately are "can't wait for them to get back to school" and "roll on September". I find that pretty sad. My little 4 year old is due to start school in a few days and I feel utterly bewildered. I love having him around and the madness of it all. We've had a great outdoorsey summer and it feels hard moving into a new phase of life :( I a bit upset he is going to be more hemmed in from now on.

Yes I think it's to do with security too. He's more secure with you and can let out all the stress and test pushing boundaries knowing that you love him. Sweet really...if a bit annoying! He's probably used up all his 'good behaviour' quota on the nanny! Who can be good all the time anyway?!

Though i wouldn't use old fashioned moth balls if you have children. They are pretty toxic. You can also buy the cedar wood balls from AJ Farmers, which are not toxic, though they deter the moths rather than kill them. I would wash all your woolens or anything next to the affected clothes. I put all our clothes in the freezer for 4 days, which kills the larvae and then packed the wool stuff and clothes I cared more about in plastic. They are very difficult to get rid of entirely.

helena handbasket Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I hope you're not suggesting that I'm making > assumptions about my son as an only and > categorizing him as such. I like to think I'm a > bit more thoughtful than that. My worries are for > the way I see it affecting him specifically. > > I'm asking for other people's experiences and > sharing what I feel is happening in my family. I > see my son trying to understand families and why > his is different, and he asks a lot of questions. > And yes sometimes he says heartbreaking things > about it ("I just wonder why I didn't get to have > a brother or sister"). Obviously I am aware that > siblings don't always get along. And my own > family is totally dysfunctional. But they are all > I have and it's more than my husband has. > > Sometimes I feel like people just need to convince > you that what you feel is wrong. Why is that? > > Smiler, thanks for that perspective. I have > wondered about pursuing it more intensely, but > honestly feel like I'm better off putting that > energy into the wonderful son I have. I will > think long and hard about that now, as I get what > you're saying. > > I have no issues with only children, and was happy > to have one until recently. But I feel selfish > for arbitrarily deciding that he will be the only > child in this family. There are no cousins, and > our tight circle of friends is a bit international > so no telling where people will be in 5, 10, 20 > years. People move. It's just part of the > puzzle, there's no right answer. > > I just wanted to hear other people's experiences > and have enjoyed that part a lot. Thanks to those > who have given me food for thought. No I absolutely wasn't suggesting that you were catagorising your son! Your posts have come across as very thoughtful, caring and purely wanting to make him happy. I was commenting on the more general idea that other people catagorise children, rather thoughtlessly at times, and the outside pressures of having an only child. With hindsight it perhaps isn't a good subject too have too many opinions on as your original post is very personal. Was I trying to convince you that what you feel is wrong or are you referring to something else? That wasn't my intention at all. I was hoping to help by offering my personal experience in that for my son, having a sibling may not have been the best thing. The things your son is saying perhaps are heartbreaking to you, but may not be heartbreaking for you son. He is wondering why he hasn't got a sibling and may simply be trying to make sense of the differences in his family. But obviously I don't know you or your son, so am guessing.

It's interesting the assumptions that people place on only children. I think it's also worth remembering that people also look for particular personality traits in older siblings, younger siblings, people with sisters, people with brother, the youngest of 4 boys, the youngest of 5 girls...etc. It's all a load of rubbish in my opinion. I think it just comes down to our need to catagorise each other, so we supposedly know who we are dealing with. I have met only children who are very confident, good at sharing, intelligent and social people. Since having my second child, in some ways, I have felt like I have made life much harder for my older son. Their relationship is very sweet sometimes, but he has really been through the mill with it all. I think and hope they will become good friends, but it is not a certainty. And there is no guarantee they will be close as adults. I am not so close to my brother and actually I feel more supported by friends rather than family. I think it's also possible to feel very alone even in a big family. With relationships, it's rarely straightforward!

There's alot to be said for relaxing about it all. (Not that I ever did this, I was totally neurotic!!) With our second it took a little longer and I did somehow come to terms with the idea of having one child, in my head...which was a good process to go through really. As soon as I didn't care quite so much about it I fell pregnant. I have a friend (our first children are the same age) who was 40 and tried for a year, (by which time everyone else is onto their second child and she found this hard) and then fell pregnant with twins naturally! I am sure I have also read that as you get older in childbearing terms you body chucks out a load of eggs at once! She was over the moon anyway.

So it sounds like he's not holding it against your friend's son. I think children are actually much more forgiving that we are, fortunately! If he wants to go, then I would perhaps have at least one person monitoring the kids so that you can prevent him getting hurt. If he's been bitten, then someone hasn't intervened quick enough and sorting it out from there is much harder than preventing it in the first place. In my opinion, I would be very careful to not add to the drama of the whole thing, so you are not adding to his fears. If you have a sensitive child they will pick up on all that and it will fuel their own anxieties. So if something happens, I would perhaps be very matter of fact and comforting, rather than "oh this is awful, it shouldn't be happening, and such and such is really, really mean etc etc!". I have seen this with friends of my son and their parents reactions can make such a difference with the children's friendships and general fear. (I'm not saying you are doing this, because I don't know, but I have seen it happen). It's very hard when you have one sensitive and placid child and one boisterous and more aggressive one. I think it means you have to be more vigilant than usual. Good luck!

I read somewhere that the highest rates of abortion are for teenage girls and women over 40... (haven't got time to google it now) which I would imagine means that women over 40 assume that they are not going to get pregnant as they are told constantly that their fertility will be zero. I am 38 myself, but know a couple of people who became pregnant at 40 on the first shot, so to speak! I wouldn't assume that you have no chance of becoming pregnant because of your age. It probably depends on all kinds of things, health, stress levels, your own biology. When we first tried for my 1st child at 33, I was so convince I would have fertility trouble because of reading so much about it in the papers. Needless to say he arrived very quickly. I think we are so bomarbed by the idea that we are old primates past 30 that we believe it! Life isn't always determined by generalised statistics anyway. I also think your son will be fine with whatever you decide to do. However many siblings or none, make us who we are and neither is better or worse.

I think if you friendship is not dependent on the children being friends then going on your own may be a solution. After all, if the 3 year olds are going to fight and it is really upsetting your son, then noone is having fun! Was your son very upset at the time of the hitting/biting? Have you asked him how he felt about it? Perhaps you could ask him if he want to go to the next meetup? Even at 3 I still found my son knew who he wanted to play with and who he didn't. You could choose an outside location? If you are meeting as whole families and your partners are going to be there it may be more manageable as there are more adults per children. Anyway, just some ideas...

Yes, that's very insightful Reren. I've had a similar experience. Still going through it infact. I have had days of feeling utterly isolated and desperate as dealing with other parents in a social situation, where your child is being aggressive to their child, is just not worth it. It's mortifying at times. Your child tends to be demonised and labelled a 'problem' and it's just too stressful. Noone is really getting anything out of the socialising. My son is very sensitive to how I am feeling and will pick up on any stress and then the situation becomes worse. It is not nice if another child hurts your child, obviously, but what people don't often get is that it is also awful for the person who's child is doing the hurting. They feel bad that the other child is hurt and then they ultimately are responsible dealing and resolving the situation...often having their parenting scrutinised and on full show. I rarely ask people back to our house any more, which I find hard, but my son finds it too difficult at the moment, so I have to go with that. I think it will all pass, as these things usually do. One bonus is that I do have some really, really lovely unjudgemental friends, who accept us for who we are and our children are a good match for each other...so sometimes it all works out. Also my son is much better with older children, particularly older girls. I don't think that same age play is really the most natural way to go about things with little kids. Edited to say that actually I have found that some of my family have been the most judgmental of all towards my son. Your brother is lucky to have an understanding sibling like you.

It sounds as though the friendship with your friend is really important to you, which is lovely. Your friend may be at a lose as to what to do. Time-outs don't work on every child. They never worked on mine. Not that I particularly like the idea of them in the first place, but that's another discussion. The aggression may look unprovoked, but he will have a reason for doing it in the sense that he is upset about something. I know my son has found it extremely difficult coping with his younger siblings development stages. The problems didn't appear until he was actually a real threat, a real person, rather than just a baby who didn't do much...so around age 1 things were very tough. The problem is that they are feeling they have been replaced and as they take things out on the little ones, they get punished for it, thereby confirming their opinion about themselves and perpetuating the cycle of bad behaviour. (I am really guessing as I don't know your friend, but this is my experience from my own problems with sibling rivalry). He didn't take it out on the little ones on this occasion, but he is probably more fearful of the consequences of this...so perhaps lashes out on other children? In a way it shows some level of consideration that he didn't target the littler children. It could also be that he's having a hard time at nursery. Maybe nursery doesn't suit him. Or maybe that particular nursery doesn't suit him. I wouldn't think it is irritability and boredom to be honest, though he may not suit playing at someone's house. I expect it is going to be worse at his own house, where not only does he have to share him mum, but all his toys too. You then have all the territorial issues on top of everything else. To really stop problematic behaviour I think you have to get to the core of it and then sort things out from there. Children tend to hit out like that when they are feeling bad about themselves, so I would think that lots of 1 to 1 and focused attention from his mum would help. It really helps in our house. The older ones do have a very hard time when siblings come along. The jealousy has certainly lasted a lot longer than I had anticipated. Just to add that ignoring bad behaviour is, in my opinion, a pretty blunt tool. If he is doing things for attention, the easiest way to deal with that is to meet his need and give him some attention....in a positive way, not by telling off. If a kid is not getting enough attention, then in their little heads any attention even negative, is better than nothing. Which is pretty sad really. But by ignoring the child it's probably making things worse and he will just do more and more attention seeking stuff.

I think the key is to not let the kids play alone together, particularly if one can be having trouble with aggression. With 3 year olds I think an adult has to be present at all time and quite often you have to really be involved with the play. They are too young to be able to deal with playing alone with another 3 year old, or younger children. Often it's lovely to be able to chat to other mums while the kids play, but I have always found that this almost never works. I am sure your friend is very upset by her son's behaviour and upset that your child was hurt. I have always found with my children that playing on mutual territory and where there is plenty of open space works far better than 'playdates', which have always ended up being a nightmare - unless the kids are a really good match. Phrases like 'unprovoked violence' are not helpful definitions, either for yourself or your friend. There will be a reason somewhere for the child's behaviour. My child's behaviour after having a sibling was pretty extreme, and still is sometimes. And it's still to do with the shock of having a sibling 20 months later!

I have a rear seat with front panniers. Works fine. As my children have got bigger the rear seat makes more sense and the balance is better. But I've never tried a front seat so have nothing to compare to. Sometimes I end up with a baby in the rear seat, a 4 year old squeezed in the space in front of him, his bike on the front rack and then front panniers....it's a bit of a circus!!

My advice is Ruth's joke - I've just come out of rented accommodation which was carpeted. We previously had floor boards. OMG! Carpets with kids....never again! I seriously would look into replacing them with hard flooring or come to terms with a dirty carpet!