waynetta
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Everything posted by waynetta
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PUT a stop to car thieves by syphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
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'They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.' Bob Monkhouse
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15.>:D:D:D:D:D:D:D<:X:))B) 13.:)):)):)-D:X:)) 12.:)):)):)-D 11.:)):)) 10.:):):) 9.;-) 8.B)(tu) 7.:( 6.:(:( 5.:(:'(:'( 4.:'(::o(td) 3.:(:(:((td)(td)::o 2.:(:'(:(:'((td)(td)::o::o 1.(!):((!)
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TRAMPS Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.
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Winding your way down Baker street.... One of my favourite ever songs. Wish I knew what it was about? Sherlock Holmes?
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FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted 'pop tart' in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive third degree finger burns from the steaming jam inside.
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GIVE house spiders a taste of their own medicine by applying a coat of spray-mount to all surfaces in your home.
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Sorry if I have caused offence. :(
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HELP blind people in the post office by licking their stamps for them. Or better still, teach their dogs to do so.
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OLD FOLKS foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.
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MASHED potato looks a bit like snow, and is harmless for children.
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DRIVERS spot traffic build ups from miles away by mounting a telescope on your dashboard, thus giving you time to take an alternative route.
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IN THE same way that a lazy eye can be cured by covering the other eye with frosted glass, a lazy ear can be cured by pushing a cork into the good one.
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SUN READERS Cut out the problem page before you throw the newspaper away and send them to the Samaritans. They will then be able to help if they encounter any similar problems themselves.
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AVOID the unnecessary expense of buying clay pigeons by shooting real ones.
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BANGKOK holiday makers. Avoid confusion and potential embarrassment by never banging a woman with a hairier arse than yourself.
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CROOKLOCKS designed to secure car steering wheels can just as easily be fastened to a toilet seat, thus preventing burglars from using your lavatory.
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ANOREXICS When your knees become fatter then your legs, start eating cakes again.
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BEER bootle tops, floated upside down in the bath make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.
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http://images.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/AMGCOVERS/music/cover200/drm000/m066/m06698disp9.jpg
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http://bp2.blogger.com/_EliwDy74UoU/RyhwLdDPl1I/AAAAAAAAA00/07nit9tjbDs/s400/BennyHill-TheBestof.jpg
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http://punchyourface.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/blue-note-cover.jpg?w=500
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RIP those poor miners in New Zealand. Pray for their families.
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http://sleevage.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/coldplay_xy_album_front.gif
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http://images.uulyrics.com/cover/t/the-mamas-the-papas/album-20th-century-masters-the-best-of-the-mamas-the-papas-millennium-collection.jpg