helenat1970

The baby whisperer techniques were very interesting. When my daughter was smaller than 5 months, the shush - pat technique worked very well. When she was older it didn't (as the baby whisperer says) and when I tried the pick up/put down technique, she just went berserk. In the end, leaving her once worked much much better - as an example the pick up put down technique (at its worst) meant more than 1 hr battle, but saying good night once, resulted in 3-5 mins crying (IF she cried - after 3 episodes, I had tears very very rarely). My son was TOTALLY the opposite. The shush-pat techniqe worked, but only when he was tiny tiny. The pick up/put down technique worked very very well with him till he was about 13 months (but that's another story). When he was tiny and I swaddled him, if he was a bit unsettled as I was lowering him in his cot, I would let his body touch the cot, lift him up a little, then rhythmically rock him a little, (up and down, not left and right for some reason) till he calmed down. I would then put him down. If he cried, I repeated the process, all the while saying shh... sh... It was amazing and it usually took no more than 2/3 goes. He's now 2.5 and even now the pick up put down works very well. So, the first thing I'm saying is that it's a good technique - but not for every child. Be prepared to perservere with it (no point in trying it for a couple of nights - give it a week). If you're not getting the results by then, then it's not going to work. Next thing - you will need to adapt the technique to suit your child. My son didn't like his arms flayling about - and so I would wrap him in a blanket, do the pick up put down, once he calmed down, would leave the room - and when he was asleep I would sneak in and adjust/remove the blanket depending on the season. Finally - gradually train your little one. First night, stay with them till they're asleep. A couple of nights on, leave when he's on his way to sleep. A couple of nights later - leave when his eyes are getting heavy... and so on, till you can leave when he's calm, eyes wide awake. Another technique I used - and this worked with some variations with both my children, was to put them on their side, and then rub/pat their back, till they're ready to drift. When slightly older and they liked to sleep on their fronts, I would put them on their front, and then rub their back in a circular motion. It was very meditative. Good luck. Baby will sleep!

Princess gives some brilliant advice. Also - it is against the law to make someone redundant during maternity leave - you could challenge them on this. If they've messed you around (and it sounds like they have big time), it's unlikely they'll reinstate your job - but you could ensure that you get the maximum payout. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too was made redundant, literally on the first day back after maternity leave. I got a statutory payout + holiday entitlement during the maternity leave + notice. I think that's the minimum you are due. But as you have a case of unfair dismissal on your hands, I would ask a lawyer to help you get compensation. All the best. The only other thing I can offer is that there is life after redundancy!

The jags sports centre has a couple of weeks worth of stuff, and it's great - and incredibly reasonably priced!

Hey Bee74 - I would say that the first and the most important thing to remember is that the tantrums are not a sign of personality, they're just a developmental thing and they will pass. And to be honest - don't judge yourself on how you are dealing with them - you are human and it would take a saint not to get stressed with tantrums. It's worth finding a technique that cuts the tantrums short, for him and for you. It sounds like your boy hates change (not untypical). So, perhaps focus your energy on keeping the process of change swift. Your warnings and explanations are well intended I think, but prolong an event that your son hates - so, perhaps, give a warning (important, preparation is essential to a child), then swiftly go through what you want to do (dress him, leave a party). What works for my son is diversion - so, I always do something he hates (leave nanny's house, get dressed, get in the car) by focusing his mind on something he loves - a chuggington train to hold when getting in the car, puzzle pieces to hold. If he starts tantruming, finish what you were aiming to do - get him dressed, get him in the car, whatever, and then change location immediately - if you can't change the setting in whatever way you can (I turn the radio on in the car, etc). And when he's calm - always say - there, that wasn't so bad, was it? Reinforce the idea that change isn't to be feared. It will pass. He'll be fine. And you'll be fine too.

lots of responses - definitely an emotive subject! so here's my tuppence too - answering your questions 1. IF YOU HAVE GONE BACK TO WORK, HOW DID YOU FEEL? DID YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY GOING BACK TO BEING 'YOU', RATHER THAN MAINLY A MOTHER? After no. 1 - going back was very very emotionally loaded. I wanted to work - but I didn't want to leave her. The angst I went through seemed endless. And I felt judged for wanting to work. It seemed to me that everyone thought badly of me for choosing to go back to work. And when I did go back to work - I loved it and hated not being with her. I could never understand how I could experience such conflicting emotions. I eventually decided that I would have to live with the unresolved conflict. After no.2 - I was made redundant the day I went back to work from maternity leave. Although I had absolutely loved being on maternity leave, the minute I became a permanent stay at home mum, I became resentful and an unhappy stay at home mum.I felt trapped - and I felt the need to apologise for not working....being JUST a mum did not seem enough. I'm back to work now and I know that it's the right thing for me. I am happy to be a professional parent. I am such a better parent, now that it's not constant. And I have finally learnt that they gain too from having a working mum - not least that my girl child has ambitions for herself to be a professional person! 2. IF YOU WENT BACK TO WORK, DID YOU WORK SOME DAYS FROM HOME? DID YOU WORK FLEXITIME, SAY - GOING IN AT 8, LEAVING AT 4? AND DID THIS HELP? I know work flexi time and 1.5 days per week from home. I am BLESSED with amazing employers (architecture is not known for its female friendly environment. It does help - I have a nanny and it's lovely to see no. 2 going about his day - and I'm sure it's helped him feel settled - and I can pick no. 1 up from school, be a playground mum, arrange the playdates etc etc 3. IF YOU DECIDED TO WORK SOME DAYS FROM HOME, COULD YOU GET ANYTHING DONE? HOW DID YOU BALANCE LOOKING AFTER A YOUNG CHILD AND WORKING AT THE SAME TIME? IS IT ACTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE? Yes, it's impossible to work and look after a child. Especially as they get older and need your input and don't sleep as much. It only works if someone else is looking after them whilst you are working. The plus is that you don't have to spend time travelling, and the minute you finish work, you are ready to give a cuddle. You have to be disciplined - but you learn that as a returning to the workplace parent you must be disciplined and organised - you can't work late to make up for slacking, your performance is judged that bit more harshly - you learn to be super good! 4. I HAVE ENTERTAINED THE IDEA OF CHANGING JOBS TO SOMETHING WITH DIFFERENT HOURS. IT WOULD TAKE A COUPLE OF YEARS, BUT SINCE WE'RE PLANNING ON HAVING MORE CHILDREN, PERHAPS IN THE LONGRUN THIS WOULD BE BETTER. IT WOULD INVOLVE A HUGE LIFE-CHANGE, BUT MAYBE EVEN TRAINING AS A TEACHER AND WORKING AS A NURSERY TEACHER. HAS ANYBODY ELSE DONE THIS, OR HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS? I AM ALSO SLIGHTLY DEVASTATED ABOUT THE IDEA OF CHANGING MY LIFE SO COMPLETELY. AND I WONDER IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I'M DOING NOW ONCE MY KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL FULL TIME. Tough one. My profession is vocational - and so retraining never occured to me (it took me 7 years to train as an architect! not throwing that away...)But - if you are questioning your career choice, now's the time to do it and if you decide to do something else, go for it. Being a working mum IS tough - you better be doing it for something you enjoy! And yes, I know lots who went into childcare/teaching. But does it suit you? Would you want to be choosing a job on the basis of whether it works for the childcare, or would you want to consider all the pieces of your puzzle? Teaching/childcare are difficult professions - only go there if you really really want to! 5. SHOULD I JUST GET OVER IT, GO BACK TO WORK AND GET ON WITH LIFE? No! Think it through. And if you are not sure, make a 6 month plan - go back to work and re-evaluate. Things change all the time. Your feelings might change. You may love being back. You may hate it. It's OK! Most of all, enjoy parenthood! It's a beautiful thing - tiring, frustrating, difficult - but wonderful, lovely.

Fuschia - I understand where you are coming from - but I'm not talking about ignoring a child - I'm talking about giving them the space to sort themselves out. I've seen tantruming children being constantly placated and talked to and reasoned with .... and my thought has been that for that poor child who is lost in their sea of overwhelming emotion, the last thing they need is to be coaxed and talked at and .. to them it must surely be unhelpful noise - surely giving them the best, chance to calm down is best? And always, always, once they're done with their tantrum, give a big big cuddle, of course! And of course it depends on the child too. If distraction works, then there is no need for any other tactic.

This is my very personal opinion - but little children - and 11 months is a little child - benefit from a bond from a personal care giver - therefore a childminder might be better. But - you are an organised lady - will you be happy to take random days off because childminder is herself sick, or her children? What if you choose someone and their personal circumstances change and you have to find someone else for your child? A childminder set up is less 'assured' than a nursery. Can you afford a nanny, or consider a nanny share? The nanny will care for your child in your own home and that can have so many pluses. Another option for you to think about?

Hi there - my reckoning is that it's fine to put in cot and to step outside for a minute or two. A tantrum is what happens to a 2 year old who's experiencing runaway emotions and they have no idea how to rein them in. It's perfectly natural and developmentally appropriate. Problem is, you can't reason a tantrum away. You just need to let it run its course, ideally remove the child from the cause of it. That's why I think taking her to her cot is a good plan. It's removal from the situation. Also, if her fury is directed at you - if she's not seeing you for a couple of minutes, she'll start to forget the issue that's caused the explosion. Not sure what I think about whether children develop cot phobias. And not sure about telling a child who's in the midst of a tantrum that 'everything is OK'. In their world everything isn't OK - everything is collapsing around them. I don't believe in denying them their emotions - they have a right to tears and screams - trouble is tears and screams and other such behaviour is grating to the parent, and the child should not get to be in a position to abuse this behaviour (to get their own way for something). Hence removal - excellent strategy. And we're only talking a couple of minutes here, surely?

Hi there - it sounds like your baby likes a cuddle and a suckle from his mama! at 4 months if he's only taking v. small amounts like 60ml then he's not hungry - it just sounds like he likes a cuddle. I hate to say it but you have two options - go with him and see how long it takes him to get out of the habit (which he will because I don't know any 5 years olds still waking up 2/3/4 times a night), or work on a plan to change the habit. The clue's usually at bedtime and naptimes - is he an independent sleeper? (if you can put him down wide awake and he can drift off to sleep). Usually bubs who like to wake up lots at night are not. The first thing is to teach him to go to sleep by himself. You'll need to work out how tough your plan will need to be - most mummies seem to DREAD the controlled crying thing, but then again, it depends how desperate you become for sleep... I don't think you'll need to be tough if that's not you - but you'll need to be consistent - work out in your head your end game and always keep that in mind. Good luck! (and secretly? whilst I've always been 'baby needs routine' queen - with no. 2 I started being a bit more lax - after all they're only babies for such a short time - a cuddle is nice for you as much as it is for them.......)

Atticus Just to reply to your original question - Southwark may (or may not) be right. The rules for permitted development do not specifically allow or prevent the outrigger on the roof as you describe it. Therefore it is perhaps other issues in your design which have caused Southwark to reject it. The best (and only way I would advise a homeowner, as an architect) to ensure that you have a lawful loft conversion is to obtain a Certificate of Lawful Development BEFORE the builders make a start on site. So, if you haven't engaged an architect and gone directly to the loft company, you should insist that they obtain this certificate before work starts on your behalf... The planning portal http://www.planningportal.gov.uk publish a document called 'Permitted development for householders', which sets out the list of rules that your development must comply with. I hope this helps.

I became a totally obsessive swaddling devotee with my second child. I used swaddles from mothercare, nothing fancy - but it absolutely sorted my baby's sleep - it was impossible for him to sleep in the early days without it - he was the sort of baby that would sleep for about 10 mins in the pram, regardless of how long the walk might be - but with the swaddle he was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks. I stopped using the swaddle at about 14 weeks as he was too strong and could get out by them. But even after that there were one or two occasions - as late as at five/six months when he was really distressed and 'swaddling' (basically wrapping him up snuggly in his blanket calmed him down. Your baby will show you when they're ready to give up the swaddle..... Enjoy your little one!

Hi, we too flew with a bugaboo and car seat. The bugaboo went in the travelbag as luggage - too big to stow next to the air stewarts I'm afraid! But the car seat is great for carrying baby on - and it's somewhere for them to be in - if you are lucky and are allocated a seat next to an empty seat. x

my friend's son picked it up in weeks (biscuit, motorbike, more, milk, please and thank you) and at my daughter's nursery baby signing was in daily use for non speaking babies, so I think she should be able to - not sure where the classes are - will ask and find out and come back to you!

I would recommend baby signing! she sounds like a girl who's frustrated and can do with being able to communicate? It worked for a friend of mine whose boy went into meltdown with everything.... I think you have a little clever one on your hands - just not able to talk yet!

i've used both gina and the baby whisperer. gina suited my son, the baby whisperer my daughter and she seems similar to your 12 week old - I found that her advice was good in terms of getting a baby with no routine into a routine as it were. she recommends something called EASY - Eat, Activity, Sleep (Your time!) and a gentle, shush, pat technique for helping a baby get to sleep without leaving them to cry it out. Though I would say if you can rig something to darken your room, I would - even as a temporary solution - makes a big difference. Good luck! As you already know, babies grow out of all sorts of habits in no time! x

Hi there - can anyone suggest a playgroup venue suitable for an almost 2yr old? My nanny is geared up to take my son to the One O'clock Club at Crystal Palace, but he's been there so many times and I wonder if there is something else to add to their repertoire of playgroups... Any suggestions welcome - thank you!

so sorry about this! Very poor behaviour from your cleaner. There are good ones out there - and my experience is that they come via recommendation. When I had a c section my cleaner came and did a couple of extra hours a week and REFUSED to get paid to help me out (she wanted to thank me for finding her new clients). She's by no means perfect - sometimes she rushes through things, and somehow seems to leave the vacuum cleaner bits lying about the house, but on the whole, she's reliable, entirely trustworthy, will always do whatever tasks I ask her to (and over the years some have been spectacular). I'm only upholding her as an example to say 'keep the faith' and you will find a good person to help you out. I wish I could recommend her - but I think she's now fully booked during the week. Good luck!

I would say that you tell them as much as they are interested to hear, and always truthful. My daughter was about 3 1/2 when her brother was born and she asked how babies are made - to which I replied that babies need a mummy and a daddy to be made.... That seemed to be enough at the time. She also asked 'how will the baby come out' and again I gave a truthful, albeit non elaborate answer... I don't think she'll worry - but she'll pick up your emotional queues. I would perhaps engage in some imaginary play - so that she starts getting the idea that one day there is a bump but the next you'll come home with a new baby - I think that will help without needing to give huge emphasis on the biology of it all! xx

My son's name is down. I have had lots of friends with children there - the children are happy and well looked after. It's very much play based, not a big pushy pre school. A little sloppy when it came to the needs of a child with allergies (gave biscuit with dairy to a child allergic to dairy). Otherwise fine. My concern is the lack of outdoor space though....

I think the key question is schools I'm afraid - do you want to walk to a good school? Do you want to pay and walk to a good school? Pick your school, decide on whether you'll pay or not, then do your budget and work out whether you need to be sitting on top of the school, or whether you can cope with a drive, I would say. We drive to school and it requires a 2 hour commitment daily. Not to be sniffed at - but we opted for space.

I just took my daughter to a 6th birthday party, so it might be a teeny bit too old, but I think depending on the numbers and the children you have, it may well work very well - but there is a place called 'All Fired Up' on East Dulwich Road, which is about painting pottery etc - and it is a great party venue, and there is an activity in place already!