Victoria C

Thank you for reading and your kind comments. That is the most complete single document history I have written out. I suppose I was hoping writing it all out would unlock something for me. I know I struggle with being labeled a 'trans woman'. I don't feel that I am but at the same time I keep on opening up to the general public as one... at work... through the radio interview. It's as if I'm trying to offer an excuse for myself to whoever I'm face-to-face with and yet at the same time I also don't feel ashamed of what I am. I'm just not proud of it - I only understand up to a point the concept of "trans pride" or even "gay pride" for that matter. If anything I suppose I feel most like a 'woman with a mixed gender history' (because my social gender history really is unavoidable - I can't pretend it doesn't exist) but really even more than that I just feel that I'm a woman going about her business and that's what I'd prefer to be. I'm glad, having typed it out that I've got it as a history even if there are still holes that I didn't include. I'm not sure how things like, my at times hellish relationship with my father, shaped all of this? There are debates that still rage over nature verses nurture. In terms of unlocking something, I did realise today that I spent years living with fear and shame of being aware that I was different. It was that shame and fear that stopped me being completely hones with Emma when we met. I only gave her a half truth and then as soon as she said I was ok and she wasn't going to reject me, I tried to hold onto that love and I found I painted myself into a corner. Funny, writing this account and sharing it, I feel as if I've put a big weight down on the ground. And hopefully I won't feel like I have to pick it up again.

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As soon as I get to my laptop I'll give you a proper reply.

silverfox Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I don't see why you consider my answer to the OP's question spiteful Jeremy. I simply gave my opinion - an opinion held, I suspect, by the majority of people in this country. > > The OP is happy to broadcast to the world his/her current condition - "...I uncovered the truth of myself, that I was indeed transsexual..." and as he/she states "... Not many marriages survive such..." changes. > > I happen to think such a profound change to the dynamic of a marriage places an insurmountable strain on the majority of such relationships. ************************ Furthermore Silverfox, regards your last comment, it's "she" if you don't mind. I'm an officially recognised intersex female. Google it if you don't know what it means. I was incorrectly labeled male at birth because the doctor simply didn't realise at the time what I was and so my family raised me as male and I was led to believe that I was a male. To cut a long story short I was eventually recognised as the female I actually am and treatment began to correct my physical anomalies. Admittedly you are right, the marriage that Emma and I have forms part of a tiny minority but we survived what happened to me and us. As for the majority of people sharing your opinion... if there is a majority, I would hope it is a small one. Victoria

Hello, Sorry for not posting earlier but I have had the flu for the last few days and any energy I did have was used up by the discussions I participated in with Trans Media Watch which keeps an eye on all transgender/intersex mentions in UK media (obviously, hence the name!) Silverfox, That was a very interesting article which is further lived up by the fact that it would appear to be a very public argument between Ms Christine Benvenuto (of the Guardian article) and her ex, Ms Joy Ladin who wrote her on book about her transition last spring and it had exposure in the Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/05/transgender-woman_n_1311562.html I also uncovered a 'full excerpt' of Ms Christine Benvenuto's book here: http://us.macmillan.com/BookCustomPage_New.aspx?isbn=9780312649500 When you compare the two sides what you see is that one person was a (trans) woman who ought to have been more open before marriage but probably had lots of issues as I did and then there's the wife who shows no sign of ever accepting that her partner was or is a (trans) woman. Christine Benvenuto seems to remain convinced that her ex is a "mentally unstable" man. Anyway, my point is that there is no reason that that couple should have stayed together. There's no obligation for a couple to stay together if one of them has a problem and they can't face it together. Emma and I were, I suppose, very lucky that our marriage survived. Emma was able to handle what happened to me and I was able to handle Emma's behaviour towards me until we got to a point where we worked again as a couple.

Thank you all so much for your comments. In the light of which I hope maybe you caught the interview online if not on the radio. We did have an amazing response through twitter and Facebook to the radio interview which was wonderful. I know we are a very rare couple - I participate in a number support groups and over the last few years have only met a handful of couples like us, literally. Most trans people who are married at the point of transition end up experiencing their partner requesting an end to the relationship. One can hardly criticise... it's a very, very difficult and challenging situation. Nonetheless, another benefit of the radio interview is that a publisher contacted Emma Cantons to offer to publish her book - an autobiography and a portrait of our relationship titled If You Really Loved Me. It's available on digital formats and print through Amazon and Waterstones and if you look at the Amazon Kindle version then you have a taster of the opening pages to see how she writes. I admit I'm shamelessly plugging but I'm very proud of our relationship and Emma's achievement. Thank you Victoria Cantons

Hello, I feel I am taking advantage of this opportunity but I wanted to share that Emma, my 'wife' (partner, if you prefer) and I, were interviewed on BBC Radio 4: Saturday Live on 15/09/2012. The podcasts and BBC iPlayer are still listing it at the moment. The issue that we agreed to discuss was the fact that Emma and I married in 2005 but a few years after, I uncovered the truth of myself, that I was indeed transsexual. Not many marriages survive such a calamity but we did. In spite of the fact that I'm a part of the interview I think Emma spoke very eloquently about the downs and ups of our marriage. Just wanted to put this out there! Thank you.

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