Fi from West Dulwich

Our gardener, whom I pay ?12 per hour usually, has bravely agreed to look after my two year old for half a day a week, pottering around the garden together or going to the park - no formal childcare experience or qualifications and very much a private arrangement. I have absolutely no idea what to offer to pay - is ?12 per hour too little, or about right? I don't want to do her down or insult her and she has no idea what is the going rate either so we would be grateful please for some pointers. Thank you very much in advance for any posts.

How kind, thank you! Shall shout if can't find one in shops to try.

Having recently had a crisis of confidence after looking at myself in a Proper mirror (ie not the kindly one in the bedroom that dims the harsh, wrinkle-revealing glare of daylight) and realising that 20 months of breast feeding and night wakings had left me looking, well, sucked dry, I promptly purchased some gold leather Converse and a new lipstick and instantly felt Much Better. But actually aside from looking like the life blood has been drained from me, I feel MORE confident now as a mother. Granted I tie myself up in ludicrous knots wondering whether I have damaged O in all sorts of ways (poor birth/wrong position in sling/London air pollution; you name it, I've worried about it), but actually, I see my pre-baby outlook as amusingly self-indulgent. I LOVE how important I am to O, and I value it enormously for him and me. And I think all those people who still have time to lounge on sofa and read Heat magazine have yet to find out what really makes life worth living. And I love those conspiratorial looks, smiles and grimaces that mothers passing each other in the park or street share. It is like a big, oxytocin fuelled club and I am really rather proud to be a member. Anyone worried about losing their identity should give themselves a pat on the back. And buy themselves a new lipstick.

Haven't got a child at either but looked around both and got definite feeling rosemead good for girls but not for boisterous boys, which my son most definitely is - lots of stairs and small rooms, which inevitable means not much space for letting off steam. oakfield nursery - new head told us their USP was that they actively teach their toddlers, which put me right off because I want my children to bumble around and play for as long as possible before formal schooling. But each to their own. Hope this helps you in your decision making, it seems there are many happy parents from both schools.

If you have, would be v grateful if you could let me know whether it fits. says is universal but last universal foot muff we bought was thoroughly annoying as kept slipping down. Thank you in advance.

Oh, only 18 months (well, a bit less at the time) but he does actually LIKE Marmite, so it wasn't unutterably mean. Don't worry, I plan not to be such a spoilsport forever.

Mine is not so much trickery as down right cruelty - poor old Master O, I am a horribly mean Mummy about sweet things, and I put a bit of Marmite on my plate if I am having chocolate cake. He of course is desperate to try some, and as it looks much like gooey chocolate icing, so far he hasn't twigged that chocolate is NOT the savoury spread rich in vitamin B12. This does not reflect well on either a) my morals as a mother, or b) his intellect. Poor sausage.

yes, could very well be, we had same with our son, now 18m - he suffered terribly and in the end, if he woke early and in pain (he wasn't a crier so if inconsolable was clear sign was due to physical discomfort) we would dose him up with teething powder and bonjela, and if really bad, nurofen. am not keen on medicine for me, let alone him, but it did help him sleep considerably better which has its own benefits of course, and limited his stress, so i think this justifies going in with the hard stuff!

Good points from everyone, thank you. Also occurred to me last night that one very good reason for waiting a while is that O is likely to beat up a new baby, quite literally. He would either smother it in great bear hug or, equally likely but much less appealing, bash it in the face. Another point that is also worth considering is the size of your child - sounds silly but O is seriously heavy, and I simply couldn't manhandle him plus baby, and why should he not have cuddles/carries for as long as he wants or needs? I think another one any time after he is 3 would be a complete blessing; quite right to warn me not to schedule he or she's arrival to avoid disappointment!

Would love to know what people think works in terms of age gap between babies. Master O is 18 months but thinks he is still a newborn judging by his propensity to breastfeed, cuddle, and suckle himself to oblivion most nights - none of which I mind, but it does rather put the brakes on being ready for number 2. Quite like the thought of a 3 year gap, to get him fully mobile sans buggy, and at preschool, not to mention give my poor old breasts some hope of respite between the two. Do people find this works, or do they have any other thoughts? Must admit feel a little bereft when I hear that NCT friends etc are starting on No 2 already, when O still seems so much my baby. Also, quite honestly, he is delightful but EXHAUSTING (said with feeling after yet another ambulance ride to King's this afternoon, after consumption of inappropriate substance; this time dried plaster bonding coat left over from decorators), and I don't want to be the grumpy mother of 2 who is more harrassed than happy - saw my sister go through that and I don't think she or the children had a great time for the first 6 months to be honest. I am one of 3, with 2 years between us all, which was great fun, but I look back now and wonder, How On Earth Did My Mother Cope?

hello, am a nutritionist who writes cookbooks, especially focussing on children's food that gets the thumbs up from both parents and children. not sure if this is sort of thing you are looking for but do get in touch if you want to discuss it. Got an 18 month old little boy. Thanks

Well well done on you for your honesty, it makes it much easier for others to admit to having off days. So much of the propoganda of parenthood gives it a Little White Company makeover but some of it was rather a rude shock to me. I adore my child and I thrive on looking after him, but I don't pretend that it is always easy and I still miss the order from my previous existence. It is sometimes hard to acknowledge that without feeling as if you are letting the side down or failing in some way, when you come against someone resolutely intent on projecting an image of perfection. I did laugh though when I spotted someone whom I had previously labelled as Horribly Smug upon first meeting her, after having to endure several minutes of hearing how wonderful her child was, only to spot her berating same said child fiercely in the library for being a perfect brat. If she had been a little more human the first time I had met her I might have been more inclined to jump in and offer her a hand or at least grimace in sympathy, but as it was I just smirked childishly.

Thank you for this and indeed all other lovely posts, which quite cheered me up this morning. The funny thing is, I DO genuinely feel that I am doing a good job as a mother, and I really enjoy little O, so I really shouldn't let it bother me - and yes, as many people have suggested, she is pretty smug about most things in life, so I should have known by now what to expect. I think perhaps when you are so keen to do something well you make yourself more prone to self doubt. In my stronger moments I just laugh, but yesterday she caught me off guard. I do also find it quietly amusing such people let slip about the reality behind closed doors; this friend yesterday interestingly divulged that one day early on her husband found her weeping because all she had achieved was to hang up one sock - rather different from the picture she painted at the time, which was all "I'm getting more sleep now than before the baby was born". She is a good friend in many ways, but I would so love for other mothers to drop their guard and cheerfully admit when they are tearing their hair out, which, let's be honest, we all do at some point. I have other friends with whom I have hysterics as we try to outdo each other with our offspring's ghastly antics - SO much more fulfilling! ------------------------------------------------------- > I feel for you Fi, having felt similarly insecure > etc after meeting with some other mother-friends. > I have found that often people present what they > want you to see of their lives, and the way I try > to deal with it without losing someone who might > be a good friend in some other ways, is by > thinking that if that makes them feel better and > that is how they cope with things, then so be it. > Often you may get hints that things are not as > rosey as they seem in their lives. I tend to be a > bit of an open book, but others aren't. I have a > similarly shall we say"energetic" boy, who is > charming and cheeky in equal measure, and we tend > to spend most of our time with lovely non-smug > people now, but that doesn't mean that your friend > can't have a place in your life, just perhaps not > the place they had previously occupied. I agree > with Dulwichmum - step back until you feel in > control of how you deal with this friend!

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this evening, after seeing a very nice but frankly a bit superior friend, and it has made me beg to ask the question, Why are some mothers smug and not supportive? I'm delighted to hear that some lucky people get a full night's sleep every night, and that their child wouldn't dream of bashing another around the head with a bucket (still on at least 3 wakes a night, and guilty to the latter), but I hate leaving a chat feeling, frankly, a bit despondent, after hearing that everything is perfect in their life. I am not complaining about my lot - I consider myself lucky indeed with Master O, who for what he lacks in docility certainly makes up for in character and charm, but I suppose my confidence is rocked a bit when confronted by other people's presentation of perfection. I don't think parenthood is ever 100% rosy all of the time, so why can't the smug ones just admit to the odd chink in their armour and make the rest of us feel a bit more supported? Does anyone else feel like this or am I just being a tired old grump tonight? If I am completely honest with myself, I think that perhaps I feel a bit insecure when I hear how brilliant other people are at motherhood because I had a fairly poor birth experience and felt a bit bamboozled afterwards. I felt deeply protective of O from the beginning and I didn't have PND or anything even approaching it, but nor did I have the post-delivery euphoria that I had hoped for and the feelings of deep connection with him came a couple of weeks later. We have more than made up for it since, and indeed he is, I think, a glowing testimonial to the powers of attachment parenting, but I find it hard to stop the memories of the beginning clouding how I judge myself, and I supppose that makes me more sensitive to the smugness of others. This forum is a brilliant example of how supportive fellow mothers can be; I'd love to see a bit more of that in day to day life. Or perhaps I simply need to get some less smug friends?!

Hmmm, thanks, must admit am tempted by Spotty Otters boots with fleece lining: http://www.littletrekkers.co.uk/shop/?page=shop/flypage&product_id=8817 My niece wore hers for absolutely ages as a sort of all rounder boot as nice and warm, and drawstring top keeps out splashes when puddle jumping.

Fat little O has socking great calves plus a high instep, making standard wellies hard to pull on. Looking for a good all round winter boot and wonder whether anyone has any suggestions please. Thank you in advance for any posts.

My second product warning in as many minutes; sorry to be the voice of doom but I also wanted to warn any Bambo nappy buyers to watch out for super absorber gel on their baby's bottom when changing. These are sold as being eco/skin friendly but when I used them I was horrified to find my little boy's bottom covered in the tiny beads of gel, which is the subject of much controversy over its potentially toxic effects and the reason why many people avoid disposables entirely. Almost all nappies contain the gel, but this is the first time I have ever found it leaking on to the skin. Ethical Superstore refunded me and were very helpful, and this may be a bad batch and therefore a one off, as my sister has used the brand for a while without issue (although she did say that the style had changes so perhaps this is a new problem), but if you do use them, do watch out for any escaping beads on to your baby's skin.

KEEP meaning to post about this but get side tracked by mountaineering toddler. We bought some of these, as sold in JoJo MB, with an adorable ladybird backpack, intended I think in PC bid to disguise fact that they are indeed reins. Lovely idea but as the harness point is one attachment at the back of the neck, on the backpack, a) they are much harder to use to get any real control over your child when they are making a bid for the road than the two point traditional harness, and b), more worryingly, if your child turns the cord readily wraps around their neck. This isn't great clearly, but if they then slipped I think it would be really dangerous. No such drama befell O in his one outing in them, but we were so unimpressed when he simply turned towards us and got the strap around his neck that we took them straight back. JJMB were very good about it, although surprisingly they did say was a bestseller and that this problem had never been reported by anyone else, but I was seriously unimpressed by the design and would not recommend them. We have since bought the old style harness for a fraction of the price and it is much better, simpler and more effective.

Thank you all, clearly I am being too harsh on my little sea lion, poor sausage. Felt very mean after posting for even worrying - of course he'll talk; right now he is simply too busy putting stones in the watering can and climbing the furniture. Unfortunately for him he comes from a horribly articulate family, and his cousins are revoltingly bright, and typically quick talkers being girls. He will doubtless get there in his own time and meanwhile he babbles and barks happily.

That's EXACTLY what O is like! Except instead of Oh oh it is all sea lion bark, "Diggle Diggle" and other such unintelligible phrases. Good to know he is in good, if peculiarly male, company. And like you we were really complacent (we were really a bit smug in secret, to be honest) when he walked so early, which has made his disinterest in words rather hard to take as the rest catch up - where's O's USP now he's not the only mobile kid on the block?! And there was I thinking I wasn't the least bit competitive.

Oooh, great, thank you, I obviously have been surrounding myself with over-achievers.

hello, what about the aborted home birth experience? any relevance? if so happy to talk to you!

Scrumptious 17 month old O has many qualities for which I am rightly proud (smug?), but I must admit English is not one of his strengths. He does however do a good line in what can only be described as a bark reminiscent of something you'd expect to hear on a Polar ice cap. He has been talked to, sung to, given lots of attention; in short all those things you are meant to do to ensure your child develops the linguistic skills of humans. And still the bark. He CAN do Mama, Dada, Hector (dog), DUH (duck, dog), Pooter (computer) and a few others but mostly when prompted, he doesn't really volunteer any words. Hearing seems fine, and he seems to understand most things, he simply doesn't seem remotely interested in communicating with WORDS (or my words at least). I try not to jump at his every bark but there is only so many times you can ask whether it is the yoghurt he wants before he throws massive paddy. I understand that boys are more inclined to go down the sea lion route than girls, and indeed it is slightly embarrassing to see his younger female cousins outstripping him verbally. I don't really mind, well I suppose I do a bit, but wouldn't be bothered as long as I could be reassured that he will speak in his own time and that I won't find myself having to return him to the Zoo when his true parentage becomes evident. P.S. Should add that he is physically very advanced - walked at 10 months, is huge, great balance, and spends all energy on running around and not, clearly, on more cerebral activities. It seems that perhaps his brain is in physical mode and not ready to turn its attention to language, which makes me feel a bit better.

Kari Me was good and v discrete - I walked from Pimlico to Vauxhall one day with O merrily attached and no one batted an eye. Later on Ergo gets my vote every time, not so much for feeding (although it is possible) but for simply making the heaviest baby seem light and easy to carry.

Good advice all. I would also say don't read any books, especially not The BAby Whisperer - I dearly wish i had never set eyes on the ruddy thing, the book had me desperately trying to disassociate sleep from feeds for my poor little newborn who, it transpires, it a suckler through and through. Some babies are, some aren't, and if you have one, no amount of 'discipline' will change their inclination at the early stage, unless you make them go cold turkey and do the dreaded controlled crying (please please please don't listen to any wellmeaning friends who offer that solution either, studies show raised cortisol levels from prolonged stress are, unsurprisingly, damaging). Find out what your baby wants, and then try to accommodate it as much as possible - eg sleeping in sling, or, dare I say it, in your bed. we swore we wouldn't and guess what, we did and LOVE it! even, in fact especially, my husband. So i suppose to conclude my rambling post is not to write yourself rules before your baby even arrives, but learn with them, and be gentle on them and on you, to give you both the best possible start. I wish i had not spent so long trying to put O down when actually all he wanted was to suckle himself to oblivion. He won every time of course, and quite right too, but i could have saved a lot of heart ache had i just stopped and listened to my instincts. good luck!