Roll Deep

You mean The Daily Wail and the Standard issue, surely?

RosieH wrote: "Gentle sex has been proven* to be a good cure for both headaches** and period pain." SteveT opined: "Yeah, and it gets the phlegm off your chest." I bet it does Steve, you dark horse you...

" All of that..........at once?" And some... http://s4.hubimg.com/u/17667_f520.jpg

"The South London Press..........the worst paper in the world?" No. That would be the Guardian.

I've got a feeling we're about to be subject to a female feat of multi-tasking in the form of a strong collective expression of indignant self-righteous scowling whilst typing scathing - yet uncharacteristically rational - attacks at every swinging dick on the forum.

The Holcroft Covenant - Robert Ludlum

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Quite right *Bob*, quite right. Although for the real 'Caesar on the steps of the senate' blood bath you've got to rally your allies with over 2 or 3 pages of poisonous insinuation before you commit. Otherwise it's like calling "100", and everyone soon forgets about it.

"I remember when there was a thread about the Russian Mafia, prostitutes and used condoms in East Dulwich. Can anyone remember who started the thread?" Lewishamman, so I'm told.

Can anyone else picture Ted Max thundering to himself: "How dare they snipe at me in such a mutinous tone. Do they know who I am?!?! "I'll show 'em whose boss!!" Tappety tap tap tap tap.........post.

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Woof What's your company called? Mark and Phone LTD.

Another serious disadvantage is that after a heated conversation with either your partner or builder, you can't slam it down on the table in anger.

It depends on what contract you've got. And reception.

I remember when you could buy a pack of Space Raiders for 10p.

If you rub it, it will grant you a wish.

It can make your breakfast, if you ask nicely.

Shit.

They're tools of vanity. They serve no purpose other than to generate gloating discourse in offices and their associated social scenes. Gideon: "Hey Ptolomy, have you seen my new squash raquet?" Ptolomy: "Get f_cked loser. I play squash online anywhere I want now thanks to my handset." G: "But Ptolomy, I thought we were friends." P: "Yeah, we were friends until I realised my potential and Appled up."

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't investigated the possibility of getting one. It's just that I came to the conclusion that carrying a mobile phone shoudn't require a counter weight to keep my clothing level on both sides.

I suggested: My tip for enduring a sexless existence is to go and buy yourself a remote controlled helicopter. Giggirl replied: If you're thinking of going down the "remote controlled" route then you may find a rabbit more rewarding. Apart from alluding to today's snatch plant being operated via a wireless handset, do you mean to suggest that it runs on two-stroke aswell? Doesn't sound very user friendly. Sounds like you'd be better off with a lawnmower engine between your legs.

So, judging by the lack of response to my inquiry, the majority (the regulars, at least) of east dulwich are zombies marching under Steve Jobs spell. Typical.

"Does that count?" Well it certainly helps in satisfying collective speculation regarding your mental balance. But I suspect there's more you're not telling us. For our own good, no doubt.

Woof I have to ask this. Was your brain ever starved of oxygen for a short yet irreparable time at any point in your life? Just wondering.

Are there any other rebels who've yet to be assimilated into the order of the icult? I agree the wizardry is tempting, although a little hard to keep track of. But I'm not fussed. I'm happy to keep plodding on with my medieval mouthpiece. Restricted to communication only, with the added luxury of an in-built video camera for those occasions. So ipeople, if offered an upgrade or a flying carpet, which would you choose?